ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVIII, Issue 128, 26 November 1904, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THE EIGHT HON. R. J. SEDDON, P.C. Mr. Seddon iruki;i> a. practice of winding up his Budget speeches with a quotation from a New Zealand poet (writes the Financial Times). This love for the poetic lias had the effect of putting the New Zealand poets on the track of llr. Seddon himself, and one of these has perpetrated some descriptive lines which ought not to be withheld from the public. As will be seen, their immediate reference is to Mr. Seddon's proposal for the creation of a High Conimissionership of New Zealand in London, and his own probable occupation of the position when created. The lines deal with eminent personages in a somewhat free-and-easy-style, but that is only the colonial way. We give a few extracts : — There's a voice that's calling Richard from across the vasty deep ; He hears it in his waking hours, he hears it when asleep ; And it fills his soul with visions, resplendent as the sky When in the vest the setting sun sinks slowly down to die ; For he sees himself the centre of England's proudest throng, ■ Bedecked with royal favours and the theme of laureate's song ; He sees the old nobility rise in the House of Peers And greet his entrance with the King with thrice-repeated cheers ; He hears with wild and rapt'rous joy the . herald old proclaim The list of noble titles which 'tis now his right to claim ; And as he rises to address the greatest in the land He feels that theirs is to obey and his is to command. They listen to his ringing tones, they watch his stately mien, They mark his regal poise of head, his grey eyes flashing keen ; With bated breath they hang upon the words that glowing fall, And marvel much to hear such speech within their ancient hall. Tne King, entranced and wonder-struck, turns to an ancient peer, "And by my faith, good Earl Vieux," he whispers in his ear, "Didst ever in thy wildest dreams of England's future bliss Conceive within thy fertile brain so strange a scene as this?" And now beyond its portals, beyond its oaken door, Is heard, like distant thunder, a deep and muffled roar. All England here has gathered, in a vast tumultuous throng. And they greet the bold New Zealander with cheers both loud and long — With cheers that gather volume as they rush and mount on high, Until the clouds above them are sundered in the sky, And London's massive piles and domes all , tremble where they stand, And. the echo oi that mighty roar resounds throughout the land ; v Ib was wafted by the breezes to the isles beyond the sea, From tho snows ot Manitoba to the groves of far Fiji ; And the meteor flag of England where'er it flew on high, Felt its silken folds unfurled as the echo hurried by. The sun put on new splendour and the moon put on new grace, And the echo still is travelling through the boundless realms of space. "It seems Woodby has discovered that he has a family tree." "Yes, it's an outgrowth -of his successful business plant.' "The man adveitised that for 50 cents he would forwaid a little device that would enable housekeepers to save at least half their coal bills. So I sent the SO cents." Aud did you get it?" "Yes>, it was a bill file." "It's a mistake to marry too young," remarked the Wise Guy. "Well, at any rate, it's a mistake tliat isn't often, repeated," murmuied<the Simple Mug. Nothing wounds a feeling mind more than praise unjustly bestowed — on another. He : "Can't we just quietly separate without getting a formal divorce.'" She: "But I'm already encaged to another." "I thought you were quite well acquainted with Brown," said Ascum. "No, indeed," replied Cholly. "I — aw— only associate with my equals, and — " "Really, you. should aim higher than that." Miss Passay: "You may sneer at pet dogs, but they're faithful, anyway. I'd rather kiss a good dog than some men." Mr. Sharpe : "Well, well, some men are born lucky." Clarinda : "Aren't you allowed to keep a dog in your new flat?" Florinda : "No, we had to give Fido away ; ' but Jack had his dear little bark put in oui phonograph." Clara : "How under the sun did EditL happen to marry Mr. Awkward?" Dora : "He was the bane of her life at every ball she attended, and I presume she married him to keep him fiom wanting to dance with her."

"What do you think the outcome of this agitation against Trusts will be?" "I can't say," answered Mr. Dustin Stax, "excepting that I am entirely confident that the outcome is not going to affect the income." Mrs. Grisscross : "How do you find Henry, doctor?" Doctor: "He needs rousing ; I think a mild shock would help him." Mrs. Crisscross : "That's easy ; I'll tell him I ordered three new dresses this morning." He : "I understand that Mrs. Wiggins rejected Mr. Wiggins thirteen times before she accepted him." She : "Yes. She evidently thought it best to shake well before taking^." Police Magistrate : "How did you (manage to extract the man's watch from his pocket when it was provided, with a safety catch?" Pickpocket: "Excuse me, your Honour, but that is a professional secret. I -am willing to teach you, however, for 10 dollars." Tess : "What's the celebration at Bess's house this evening?" Jess : "She's keeping her birthday." Tess: "Well,. it will be a great success if she only keeps it as well as she keeps the date of her birth." .."Well, my friend Jones has been elected," said the officeseek.^r. "I want to send him some flowers. What would you suggest?" "Forget-me-nots would be just the thing for you," replied the wise friend.

Ella: "What nice hair Bella ha»." Stella : "Well, a woman is a fool to buy an inferior article." "By Jinks !" said the man who keeps track of things theatrical, ;I would like to see one prhna donna, who can sing as well as her press-agent says she can." '" If she could," says the girl who also keeps track' of "the way things go, "her press-agent would say she "sang a great deal better than that." Ida : " Are they really so rich ?" May : "I should say so. When they slipped several spoons and saucers into their grips the hotel clerk said it was merely the souvenir hobby." Two Uttle maids of four and six years, respectively, were seated on a stool. Presently the elder of the two said, reflectively : " Don't you think that if one of us was to get up there would be more room for me?" "How did the wedding come off last night?" "Without a hitch." "Glad to hear it." "I said without a .hitch. The bride backed out at the last minute." Attention is being drawn once more to the danger of disease germs id bread. To soak the loaf in a weak solution of car* bolic acid and water is said to be m simple and inexpensive safeguard. The lady : " That isn't the same story you told me before." The beggar : " No, lady ; you didn't believe the other one."