ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVII, Issue 150, 25 June 1904, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

r-^Jt, JOHNNY'S LAMKNT. " 1 cannot oat a square uiu.il," iSijfhi'd litlle Johnyy 15uil ; " Jslc iu«c, you know, it pains me so, The coi noiß tthiny» Juiil." — Good Housekeeping. So M might way lie begnn Oji i oils and bniiN to founder ; And J uli imy Burl, his friends ni&crt, Is now a iiriu?hcd lounder. — Chicago Tribune. THE SEVEX LIES OF MAN. BclioUl tho seven lies of man 'And tell his age by that ; As soon us ho can lisp, he says : "It must have- been the cat!" Next, when, the baseball t^nm begins To make its thiilling scoic, His well-loved grandmamma falls dead A dozen times or more. Third, like a furnace does he sigh ; Of course we know the gist. He tells the maiden fniv she is Tho first he over kissed. Fourth ngo, ho comes home in the morn, And gladness iill« his cvp — The good Sumaritnn has been With sick friends sitting up. Fifth, to tho woodshed ho repairs His heir to interview, And says : "My son — kcrswat ! Kerswish 1 This hurts me more than you!" He next has leisure on his hands And fills a jug with bait ; He hooks a minnow, then ho swears Ten pounds to be its weight. Last age, when lean and slippered grown, He finds his greatest joy In telling what perfection ruled The days ho was a boy. — M'Landburgh Wilson in New York Sun. PUZZLED. Doctor : " Well, Mrs. O'Brien, I hope your husband has taken his medicino regularly, chV" Mrs. O'Brien : " Shm-e, llien, doctor, I've been sorely puzzled. The label says, ' One pill to ho taken three times a day, 1 and for the life of me I don't see how it can be taken more than once !" Farmer Hoptoad: "I dunno as them city folk is so lazy, after all." Farmer Trefrog : " Hotv's that, Hiram?" Farmer Hoptoad : " One of the clerks at that hotel where I put up wnz ahead of me every morning, tiy to beat him as I would!" Mis. Cobwigger : "So your husband thinks) his po&ition in society is now secure?" Mis. Newrich : "Yes. He is to mire about it that he has stopped hiring a dres-s-suit:, and is having ono made to order." " It's mighty queer about families. There's Mrs. O'Shaugnossy — she haa no children, an 1 if I raymeinber corrictly, it was tho fiaino with her mother." Convict: "Well, I leckon I'd rather ho in the penitentiary than outride." Visitor: "Why?" Convict: "I'm here for bigamy." Crumbs of comfort never come from eating crackers in bed. Distinguished, artist : " Perhaps if you como here you will gob a better light on tho picture. This studio is not nearly lnrgo enough." Fair visitor (desirous t/> understand) : ',' Yes, yes ; I know. One oan'l gel far enough away from your pictures !" Still nblo to attend to business : " I told Uncle Simon that he was getting too old and feeble to attend to business." "Did he tak<? it kindly?" "He throw me out of his ofiicc." ''What is a counter-irritant?" asked Mrs. Smithcrs. "A counter-irritnnt," roplied Smithers, "is a woman who makes tho clerk pull down everything from tho shelves for two hours, and thon buys four cents' worth of hairpins." A Mot mon once argued polygamy with Mark Twain. The Mormon insisted that polygamy wns moral, and he defied Twain to cite any passage of Scripture that forbade the practice. "Well," said tho humorist, " how about that passage that tells us no man can serve two musters ?" " Does Mr, Reuben Haybiick keep boarders?" "He takes 'em, but ho don't keep 'em." " Did you ever get into an argument with him?" "Yes, indeed." "He'a quite dogmatic, isn't he?" " Oh, positively bulldoginatit!." "He's what I call a 'budding genius. 1 " "Who? Bragg?" "Yes, liko all budding things, he's inclined to blow." "Goodness only knows," said the old parson, "I have had a hard time separating tho good, from tho bad." "Excuse me," spoke up tho doubtful deacon, "but are you - alluding to the congregation or tho collection box?" "Gimnic a pound ov tea." "Green or black?" "It don't mek no difference — it's fey a blind woman."

The bride und bridegroom sat side by side. " Dearest," he said, looking up into her eyes, for he was the smaller, so that ho really and truly looked up and into her eyes. " Yes, love," she responded in soft, frightened mouse tones. "If I had known that tunnel was that' long I would have kissed you." " Didn't you kiss me? 1 ' sho ofckcd, with much surprise. " No," ho roplied. " Well, somebody did." Mrs. Newlywed — "John, I think baby has swallowed my pearl necklace.'' Jlr. Newlywed — "Gad ! You seem to bo determined to bring that young one up with the tastes of a millionaire's child." Thespis — "How did. the star come to discontinue her divorce suit?" Foyer — "Why, the judge said he would give it a private hearing." "What would you suggest #s a name for my new yacht?" "Why, it seems to me the Floating Debt would be appropriate." Cholly — "D'you know, I'm sometimes inclined to think " Clara (encourag>Pgly) — "Why don't you do it, Cholly? It's not such a difficult thing, if you really try." "Has ho much of a meniory?" "Oh, yes, indeed. ' Why, he can always remember that he has forgotten something that he ought to remember and can't, which is certainly much better than forgetting that you've forgotten something."

"What's he going to coll it?" ' " 'Portrait of a Lady.' " "But it doesn't look like her at all!" "Then he might call it 'Portrait of Another Lady.' " Sillicus — "Life is full of trials." Cynicus — "Yea, but there are not half enougk convictions." Singleton— "l'm in a bos. My wife'o dressmaker has sued mo." Doubleton— "You're in a dress tout case, you mean." Van Dauber— "So old Gotrox fell in, love at first sight with that impossible i Jones girl. Why, she is a perfect freak." I Friend — "Just so. Do you know, old chap, it wouldn't bo a bad idea to get the old boy around to look at youß pictures."