ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVII, Issue LXVII, 30 January 1904, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

A MUNICIPAL MIXTUBE. ! "Take notice you aro held and bound to fix a buckon trap" — Thus writ at largo tho Town Clerk's note to mo 'crerely ran. "A buckon t rap ! \V hy nol explain ! My into'.lccl they'll sap !" I cry, as all my stock of scientific words I scan. I rack my brains ; try "forward thrust" ; — he cannot mean '"buck up"? Oh, no ! the note i.s most precise — • "magnetic," "turbine," "sump." What can it be? Not Mircly that my N>ps I must chuck up Aud exercise take daily with tho houdje of a. pump. In my distress I went to Jones, who'd passed his Tech. exam. In plumbing, and certificates from Uuildhall had received : I breathed my quest. "Why, B-uc-h-a-n was a cram "Who. went inventing drain-traps." Oh ! tho joy to be relieved ! Then to that wicked Clerk I wrote both tyrannous mid short, , And said ho ought to be ashamed, and did the spoiling quote. Back came his answer quickly— 'ho was nothing of the sort ; II»-hnd "buckon" changed to "Buchnu" days before he- got niy note. — PEKA. "And now, madam," anid the kindhearled old Judge who had granted tho I divorce, "let mo ad vim you as a friend ito wait a decent interval before you | marry again." "How lone do you think I ought 'to wait, Judge'/" asked tho young woman, with some ,anxie(y. "Two hours?" Not a Lender. — 'Do you think your friend would lend himself to a, whady political transaction?" "7s T o," answeicd Senator Sorghum : "ho might lease himself, or rent himself, or sell himself outright, but he wouldn't stand any friendly borrowing." ' Floonvulkcr: "Ah, good day, madam. Call again." Mrs. Outeitown: "I will, thank ye. An' you-uns must come ter see us 1" i Wife: "Now, don't you think my new hat is a perfect droam*?" Husband: "Woll, no. To be a peVfect dream tho bill attached to it should also bo merely a dream " Mr. Ireland: "This book on swimming is very useful in sudden emergencies." Mrs. , Ireland : "Is it?" Mr. Ireland: "I should say so. If you are drowning, turn to page 103 nnd there you'll see how to save yourself." ' Miss Youngbud' : "Did you enjoy the play?" Miss Eldcrloigh : "Yes, indeed — especially the third act." Mjps Youngbud: "Oh, yes. That was tho act in which the heroino told how she induced her husband to propose." ■ The Horrible Example. — "How is it business has so much improved in t'ho side show?" asked the man from tho main tent. "I started tho 'living skeleton' to .smoking cigarettes," replied the hustling manager. "I don't see- why that should draw people." "Yes; every mother takes her boy in and points out the horrible example." Her Papa: "And if I say no?" Tho Suitor : "Well, I confess it won't havo the same etlect on me as if your daughter snid it." '•Has Mrs. Dash decided not to continue her suit for divorce?" "Yes, Her engagement to Percy Specie is off." Tho Mai, in the. Third Kow.— "What do you think of tho quartette?" The Man' Besido Him : "Well, it won't take as Ions; a.s four solos." America's message to a certain South American Republic: "Wail, Colombia !" Edyth: "George says he can't under* stand why I accepted him." Maymo : "George isn't like other people." Edyth : "Why, what do you mean?" Maymo: "OtJier people carl I*,1 *, understand why he proposed/ Count Nottapenni: "Las' night I piva ze leetle heent to Miss Roxley sat I vould Ijka she should many wiz me." Abcum : " And did she give you any encouragement?" Count Notnpenni : " I do not know. Sho simply say to me, ' What kina zo nerve food do you use?" Mr. Grouch : " Can't you stop that Uid's howling? • What's the matter wilh him?" Nmso^ir' : ''Well, sir, he was chased by a crazy man wunsl, an' ho Ihinkd you're mm." Willie : " Mamma, I told Aunt Helen sho grew homelier every day *' Airs. Slimson : " You didn't toll her I said so. did you?" "I had to, or she would have whipped me." "Ye«,'' said the .sharper, who had just succeeded in obtaining change for a bad leu-dollar bill from v guileless old clergyman, "if there's anything I like it's pastoral simplicity." "Don't you think Miss Glinsworth exhibits great vei«ali!ily?" asked Mrs. O'.dcastle. "Josiah thinks it's great, but 1 , never enred much for poetiy. I think them pictures she bums on wood just j solcndid. though*" J

• Tess : '* 1 was p;'S«ing that small Horst's with Lord Britton yesterday, and I hinted that 1 would like to have some o-f tho lovely rose 1 ; that were displayed in lie window." Jess: "And did he i>end ■ome to you?" Toss: '"Yes; they came .his morning, C. 0. D." Softening effect of wealth: "We used la think she was a lazy girl." "Yes; that was when she was poor." " How übout, it now?" " Why, now that she is i-ieb, we merely note the evidence of lassitude ai.d ennui." Mrs. Jilt: "And when you told him I was married did he seem to be sorry?" Miss Hilt: "Oh, jqs; lie snid so quite fnuikly." ■•"(>. Jilt: "Did he really?* Aliss Hilt : " Ye«, indeed ;he «aid he was exceedingly sorry, although ho didn't know tho man personally." * Re : " Was that you I kissed in tho conservatory last night?" "About what time was it';" "Come in," said St. Peter. "Wait," said the walking; delegate, pausing to listen to the music of tho golden harpa. " First I want to know if those musicians lime union cards," '"Oh, John, John, my little boy is playing with your mowing machine!" "He won't hurt it, ma'am! T)on't you worry!" It being settled that hnyd woik is the secret of success, tho question now aiiscfi, what is tho tecrot of hard work? Visitor — "My man, what brought you here ?" Convict — "Insomnia, Mum-^-do cop couldn't sleep and so he wuz patrolling his beat!" "Their marriage was a hasty affair, I understand." "Yes, indeed. They told tho minister to hurry, as they had engaged a ca-bmun by the hour." The Lady — "I gave you a piece of pie last week, and you've been fending yottr friends here over stace." The Tramp — "You'ro mistaken, lady. Them vfns my enemies." "If our combination i$ illegal," said th© capitalist, "I suppose we will have to change it." "Wouldn't it be easier to change the law?" asked his afS.oci.lte. > "I'wondor why Katherinc wears three veils wrapped around her hat and none over her fa-io?" "You "wouldn't ask if you uould see- tho hat. She trimmed it herself."