WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXVI, Issue 16, 18 July 1903, Page 10

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A BALLAD OF BALDNESS. A man was filled with dark despair On finding, one day, that his hair, Which won ail maids so charmingly, Was sadly failing as a. crop, His barber said 'twas "thin on top," And falling out alarmingly. His friends, with jests predominant, Declared his hair was quite as^cant As honour in an alderman ; While others viewed his shining pate, And said of this unfortunate They never saw a balder man. He tried all nostruahs, old and new, The salves, and oils, and ointments, too, And liniments with ediment. "In strife to win my hair," said ho, "Financial outlay shall not bo A visible impediment." It soon became his one idea 1 To try each patent panacea, In hope that each ■jxperiment Would win his hair again ; but no, His baldness grew apace, and so Did his companions' merriment. The more he rubbed with hopeful aim, The less luxuriant became His hirsute growth umbrageous, Till now he sees with poignant twinge, His hair is but a narrow fringe— < His baldness is outrageous. This moral I would inculcate: Oh, seek not to avoid your fate, But bend in due submission to it. When Nature makes a certain plan. 'Tis all in vain for puny man To offer opposition to it. Graspit — "Yes, I'm a self-made man." Cynicus — "Well, I must say you are entitled to a (rreat deal of credit for your charitable act." Graspit — "What charitable act?" Cynicus — "Relieving the Lord of the responsibility." Young Jack Notwed — "You don't think bachelors should be taxed for npt marrying, do you?" Gladys Britely — "Dear me, no! Most of the bachelors I know deserve a 'humane .medal' for staying single." , In the Future. — I had to discharge my wife to-day." "What was the matter?" "She was horrid to the cook." Dinwit — "Say, pur backbones are like serial stories, aren't they?" Thinwit — "Prove it." Dinwit — "Continued' in our , necks." , D'Auber — "This is a little sketch that I dashed off hurriedly just to keep the wolf from the door." Criticus — "Well, if that doesn't frighten the life out of the wolf, I mjss my. guess." "What's the latest thing out in shoes?" asked one woman ol another at the oluty. "My husband," was the prompt reply. Stella — "Jack 'proposed to me. last night." Bella — "Yes? He told me yesterday when I refused- him that he woujd do something desperate." Cholly — "Was poor Gussie pwepared to die?" Algy — "Oh, not at all. His valet was away on his vacatiqn, ye know." "The Hifens are awfully proud of their family tree." "But it seems to me it •might have been greatly improved by a little pruning." Mother — "Only good little boys go to heaven." Bobby — "Then I guess I'll be bad and go with the rest of the family." The Aunt (telling the story of the Sleeping Beauty) — "What do you think did the Prince give the King's daughter to wake her? Well, how does your mamma wake you uip? What does she give you in the morning V" Elsie— ."A spoonful of ood-liver oil, Auntie." "Did any other man ever kiss you?" he fervently asked. "Well," replied the girl who has spent three seasons at the seaside, "no 'one that wasn't engaged to me ever did." The old gentleman steadily regarded him. "Well," be' said, "it is evident that my daughter did not pick you out for your personal attractions. Henoe I must; conclude that 'you have some practical points that are of value. Take her, my boy, she's yours." Simpson — "Do you know anything about art?" Jackson-rr-"I know enough about art not to try to talk about it. 1 ' "The day isn't far distant when the man in tlie flying machine will look down upon the automobilist," said the prophetic soul. "And let us hope, too," replied the weary pedestrian, "that he'll fall down on him." ' , The Parson — -"I intend to p-ray that you may forgive Casey for having thrown that brick at you." The Patient—"Mebbe yer Riv-rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd just wait till Oi git | well an' then pray for Casey." *' Myer— "Meeker's- wife buys all his ties for him. What do you think of Sier taster' Gyei< — "Not much; but I admire Meeker's nerve in wearing them." "If Jack Nospud should ask you to marry him," simpered Maudie, calling up a blush, "what would you do?" "What I have always, done,'' said Mabel j "send * him to you." "Is my daughter * familiar with the great composers?" asked Mrs. Guinrox. "Madame," said the music teacher, witii . a look of desperation, "she is not merely familiar with them— she is impertinent," Father : " This is going to hurt me more than" you, my son." Son: "Hold on, Pop ! Please remember that I'm tne consumer in this case, and you're tlie striker and 1 operator." " Yes," said the actor. '*' Starr, the tragedian, is mad, hopelessly mad." "Overstudy?" asked Crittick. "Nq; it| was his understudy that made, him, mad. He made a bigger hit in the part than Starr." " What bothers me," said th,e new prisoner, "is the thought of a long trial and weary months in jail!" "Dont let . that disturb you," replied £he High Sheriff. " I've just got word that they're coming to lynch you at 12 o'clock sharp !" "I think the great trouble with, the American people," said the young man as he took the girl aroudd the corner to the restaurant after the play, "is that they eat too much. " "Do you t' she answered. " Let me see? Ah ! Here it is. I can lend you a dollar if you're short." " Miss Passay (coyly) : " And just think ! Last evening he' suddenly caught me in his arms and kissed me." Miss Pepprey : "He always was a good-hearted fellow — and so unselfish." " This is my birthday." "And I SUPpose you feel as young 'as you ever did?' " No ; I don't believe 7 I'm quite old enough yet to feel as' y'onn|; as I ever did." " I want to get some bird seed," said the customer in the seed store. " No, ye don't, smarty," replied the new clerk, recently acquired frojn the country, "ye can't joke me. Birds grow from eggs, not seeds." t Miss Withers : " I presume Mr. Flipp made his usual weekly call on you last night?" Miss Callow: "Yes; and' I ; must say tfiat he made a fool of hin- / self." Miss Withers: "Proposed to you, » eh?" ' • ; Enthusiast: "How do I like his play ? ing? Why, I think he is one of V '; greatest pianists I ever heard. What the reason he isn't famous?" Cri "Well, he has only a plain Amer.i « name, and musical people, you know \ sent that." , v/ Tess: "Now, here's a' secret. I >»<«* married last week to Dick Gaylark." Jess : " Oh, my 1 I thought you'd be the last person in the world to marry him.." Tess: "Well, I hope I am." Miseries of Heiresses. — Dora ; " How . miserable Arthur looks since I rejected him." Clara: "I don't wonder, poor fellow. Now he'll have to work for a» living."