WHAT HE CAME FOR.

Evening Post, Volume LXIII, Issue 87, 12 April 1902, Page 2 (Supplement)

WHAT HE CAME FOR.

A learned Judge Avho was one of th< guests at a dinner was Unexpectedly call ed upon to reply to a toast. Rec,overinj some what from his surprise, ho said tha> his situation reminded him of the stop of the man who fell into the water while he was fishing. With no little difficulty he was rescued, and, after ho had regained his breath and was in a fairly comfortable condition, his rescuer asked him how he came to fall into the water. "I did not come to fall into the water," replied the unfortunate fisherman ; "I came to fish." THEF\jrARE EXCEPTIONS. Mrs. Manning — "Do you know, I hate a liar?" Aunt Hannah — "And yet, Mary, how sweetly you smiled when Mr. Soper declared you didn't look a day older tbau 35." Young Physician— "What is your practice mostly?" "Young Lawyer—"Domestic economy." Talkative Bore— "Well, young nfttn,' what's going on to-ddy?" Former Victim — "I am." Lady Sharp— "Her marriage seems to bo happier than the majority of that . kind." The Hon. Billy- "Yes, and it'a all owing to the wisdom 5? her father. Instead of settling a fortune upon them, he gives his titled son-in-law an allowance that is to cease if they ever separate." Lady Sharp— "Oh, I see, instead of buying a husband for her, he has secured one on a salary." Mrs. Crawford— "They alwayi seem' happy when out in society." Mrs. Crubahaw—"Ah, my dear, that's the hardest part of married life." "How about Jones's discretion? Can ' y< Vi-, trußfc him tol » kee P anything to himself?" "Rather, I lent him £5 last year, and he has never mentioned it since." "Is Mrs. Donnisthornt' a ping-pong champion?" "No, darjing, I dgn't think so." "Then why does she h«re P.P.O. on her card?" The centenarian was puzzled. — "I don't know what to do," Ke mused ; "if I say I nover drank whisky in all my life I can get half a column of pure reading matter in the village press ; on the other hand, if I say I have always used it, I can get two columns and my picture through the whisky concern." The Rector.'s Daughter— 'My father feels it very much, Mrs. Barker,' that you should leave the church every Sunday just before the sermon. Don't you think yov might try and stay in future?" Mrs. Barker— "l dursn't do it, miss. I do snore that dreadful when I'm asleep." Shortly after Sir Lawrence Alma-Tii-dema, R A., was knighted, he and Lady Alma-Taiema gave an "at home" at 4>t. John's Wood. Everybody present was congratulating them, and ono lady wav very profuse. "Oh, dear Sir Lawrence," •he said, 'T am awfully glad to hear ol the honour you have received. I supposi now that you are knighted you wiil give up painting and live like a gentleman?" , Tommy seemed to be engaged with some problem. "Papa," he said, "Do unto others as yon would have others Uo unto you,'— that's the Golden Rjale, isn't it, papa?" "Yes, my son." "And it's pufflckly right to follow the Golden Rule, isn't it, papa?" "Yes, indeed." Tommy rose, went to the cupboard, and returned with a knife and a large apple pie. The latter he placed before his astonished sire with great solemnity. "Eat it, papal" he said. Disraeli once said of »Sir William Harcourt, in his affectedly "cynical way — "He has the three essential qualifications of success in politics — & fine person, a loud voice, and no principles." To this, when it was repeated to him, Harcourt rejoined—"Leaving out the first two qualifications, it might almost be applied to 'Dizzy' himself." Teuchor— "lf you face the north, , directly behind you will be the south, on your right hand will be the east, and on your left hand west." Seeing a lack of attention on the part of Bobby, and wishing to catch him — "What is on your left hand, Bobby?" Bobby (in deep confusion)—" Please, it's some tar, an* it Avon't come off." A happy thought. — "Yes, Jones struggled along with historic plays and melodramas, but they wouldn't take. Now he has a wonder — a record-beater." "You don't say! What's the plot?" "I don't know, but the play ends in the middle of tho last acl." "The mid— say, what are you giving me?" "Straight goods. The idea is to fool the people who nlAVftys begin putting on their wraps before the curtain- falls." Pat — "I've just 'card that my woife's very ill, sorr, and I think I'd better bf going home." Employer (doubting him) — "Why, Pat, I met a man to-day who told me your Avife was well." Pat (anxious to *score) — "Sure, then, I've got no wife at all, ' sorr. So Are must both be liars.' , Mrs. Muggins — "My husband told mo a barefaced lie when he came home this morning." Mrs. Buggins— "The lie my .husband told me had .whiskers on it" - Inexperienced and anxious young mistress — "The new housemaid, Maria, ib a Roman Catholic ; but 1 hope you will not allow any religious controversy in tho servants' hall." Cook (with much dignity) — '-'You needn't have any fear, my lady ; in really 'igh-class families religion is never mentioned." The obliging shop-assistant had taken down roll after roll of cloth, until fie could hardly see over the pile on the counter. "I don't care to purchase today," remarked the shopper, as she tulned away, "I was only looking for a friend." "There is ono mj>re roll ou the shelf, madam," said the assistant; "your friend may be behind that." The"" child of strict parents, whoso greatest joy hajL hitherto been the weekly prayer meeting, was taken to the cirens by his nurse. When he came home, "O mummy," he exclaimed, "if you once went to the circus, you'd never go to a prayer meeting again in all your life." "Ye«." said the delegate, "I said I was the working man's friend." "But you don't do any work;" suggested the man with the horny hands. "No ; not ot present. ' "And you never did any work." "That's true. You see, what toe working man most needs is work, and I am too much the working man's friend to run any- tisk.of taking work away from him." „ A litble boy wan asked what was meant by sins of omission, lie astutely replied, without any hesitation, "Thoso* we have forgotten to commit." This almost equals the little girl's definition of faith as "believing something we know isn't true." A noble young Roman named Caesar Once called on x maid — tried to sqaesar— But the girl, with a blush, Said the Latin for "Tush I You horrid young thing! Let mebaesar!" 'Bus Driver (to charioteer of brokendown motor-car) : "I've been teUin' yer all the week to ttike it '©me, an' now •yer wwit» to, yer "AWa'tl 11

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