SOME DOOLEYISMS.

Evening Post, Volume LXIII, Issue 87, 12 April 1902, Page 2 (Supplement)

SOME DOOLEYISMS.

The public is already acquainted with many of the quaint opinions of the philosopher of Archey Road. The following excerpts have been taken at random from his latest utterances : — Th' difference between Christyan Scientists an' doctors is that Christyan Scientists think they'se no such thing as disease, an' doctors think there ain't anythin' else. An' there ye ar-re. "What d'ye think about it?" asked Mr. Henncssy. "I think," said Mr. Dooley, "that if th 1 Christyan Scientists had some science an' th' doctors more Christianity, it wudden't make army diffrence which ye called in — if ye had a good nurse." Lord Kitchener's declaration of peace in South Africa read, according to Mr. Dooley : — This war as a war is now over. Ye may not know it but it's so. Ye've broke th' rules an' we give the' fight to oursilves on a foul. Th' first principal iv a war agin England is that th' inimy shall wear r-red or purple coats with black marks f'r to indicate th' location iv vital organs be day an' a locomotive headlight be night. They shall thin' gather within aisy range an' at th' wurrud "fire" shall fall down dead. Army remainin' standin' aftherward will be considherud as spies. Shootin' back is not allowed be tn' rules and' is severely discountenanced be our ladin' military authorities. Army attimpt at concealment is treachery. Th' scand'lous habit iv pluggin' our gallant sojers fr'm behind rock* an' trees is a breach iv internaytionol law. Retbreatin* whin pursoccd is wnn 'iv our copyrighted manoovers an' all infringements will be prosecuted. At a wurrud fr'm usj th' war is over an' we own ye'er counthry. Speaking of mosquitoes, we learn that —They on y come afther a heavy tsAn or a heavy dtry spell, or whin they'se a little rain, followed bo some dhryness ; ye mustn't mind thim, a mosquito on'y lives Fr a day. 'Tis a shoit life au' ft merry wan. Do they die iv indigisthion? Au editor's position is not a sinecure — "'Tis a hard job," odd Mr. Dooley, "but 'tis a facinatin' wan. They'se nawthin' so hard as nfmdin' yo'er own business air 1 an iditor niver has to do that." "I shud think th' wurruk wud kill thira," said Mr. Hennessy, sadly. "It does," said Mr. Dooley "Manny gr-reat itiitors is dead.," The athletic tendency* among women leads , Ml 1 . Dooley to remark:— -I go home at night an' I'm • met at th' dnre be aya v female joynt. Mo wife's th' champeen lady golufess iv th' Ivy Leaf Goluf Club ; th' finest oarslady on th' canal ; a tinnis player that none can rajeit without injury. She can ride a horse an' I cudden't stay on a morry-go-round without clothespins. Ske can box a good welterweight an' she's got medals tv th' broad jump. Th' on'y spoorts she isn't good at is cookin' and washin'. "I see be th' pa-aper," said »Mr. Henuessy, "th' athletic girl is goin' dut, what iver that means." "She had to," said Mr. Doolew, "or we wud.'' The attompts at vice crusades are nicely summarised. — I'm afraid, me la-ad, that th' frinds iv vice is too sthrong in this wurruld iv sin fr th' frinds iv varchue. Th' good man, th' crusader, on'y aw links at th' cmsad<2 waust in fivo years, an' on'y whin lie has time to spare fr'm his other iooties. 'Tis a pastime f'r him. But th' definse iv vice is a business with th' other la-ad -an' ho nails away at it, week days an' Sundays, holy da\s an' fish days, mornin', noon, an' night. The South was considerably worked np over President Roosevelt's dining of Booker Washington, a distinguished negro:—"Well, nnnyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "it's goin' to be th' roonation iv" Prisidint liddy's chances in th' South. Thoustin's iv men who wudden't hnve voted f'r him undher army circumstances lias declared that under no chcumstances wud they now vote f'r him." Of the coloured guest's behaviour at the dinner itself Mr. Dooley remarks :— There was no mark on th' table cloth where his hands rested an an invint'ory iv th spoons after his departure showed that he had used gintlemanly resthraint. At th 1 con-elusion iv th' fishtivities he wint away, lavin' his friend standin' on th' top iv San Joon hill an* thought no more about it. Th' ghost iv th' other Wash'n-ton didn't appear to break a soop turreen over his head. P'raps where George is he h«u to ossooyate with manny mimbera iv tk' ftoc&er branch on Urw it alwqvuivity, ;<