WIT AND HUMOUR,

Evening Post, Volume LXI, Issue 16, 19 January 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR,

MARK TWAIN WAS TOO REALISTIC. It is a Denver nowspaper tradition that the funniest bit of journalistic work ever done by Mark Twain was strangled by a too friendly proof-reader. Mark was ordered to writo up the- opening of a tavern, quite a noteworthy event in thoee days in tho Colorado town. He thought it would be funny to make his account of tho festivities bear silent witness to tho potency of t_o free refreshments dispensed 1 - Tho article began soberly enough, but soon tho diction became misty, even the spelling grew confused, and finally the whole thing degenerated into a maudlin, incoherent eulogy of the tavern-keeper. It was funny. Mark read it over, and laughed until " he cried. But the next morning, when ho eagerlyi scanned the paper, he could not find his work. In an obscure comer he saw a, two-line item stating that "the Alcazar Tavern was opened with appropriate festivities last night." That was all. He nfchedi down to the office and enquired about his article. The managing editor knew noth.ng about it. The city editor couldn't tell what had become of it ; tho foreman said he hadn't seen it. A® Mark was snorting about the "outrage" and was running about the office trying to get track of his missing "copy," a proof-reader 4 slyly nudged him, and said, confidentially): — "You owe me a cigar." "How is that?" enquired the humorist. "I've earned it." was the reply. "I saved your job for you last night. Maybe you don't know how the oft man here feels about such things ; but be won't have it if he finds it out. He's sacked three men since I've been here — just that way." "Just what wav?" "Why, just as you were last night, you know. Your stuff wouldn't do at all ; it was simply awful. I knew if the old man saw it you were gone ; so I fixed it up myself." DIDN'T SEEM POSSIBLE. A citizen of Detroit (says the Free Press) who had been to Lanskig on business, waa returning the otker day when an old farmer, going home with his wife, took the next back seat, and opened a conversation which lasted almost into tie city. Then ho happened to mention something about Europe wfrLch the farmer doubted, audl tho citizen protested : — "But I have been, there and know." "What! You've been to Yurup?" "Yes." * "Bin in England and France?' "I have." "Been to Rome and seen the ruins 1 ? ' "Yes." "Bin right in Paris?" "I was there two months." "By cracky, Maria," said the old man, as he turned to Ms wife, "here's a feller who's been all over Yurup and rides with us a- hull half-day before he lets «n a word! Why, tke Bixty's didn't' go no further than Boston and the fust night they got home they kept the hull town up to 2 o'clock in the morning to tell about pavements and picture halls and opera houses and street cars and door bells which would ring by pressing a button! Wall, wall! Bin to Yurup and not bragging over it 1" BROUGHT TO TERMS. Sir George Rooice, before he was made admiral, had served as a captain of marines upon their first establishment. Being quartered on tho coast of Essex, where the ague made havoc with his men, the minister of the parish was so harrassed with the duty that he refused to bury any more of them without being paid his accustomed fees for intemnent. The captain made no words, but the next that died he ordered to be carried) to the minister's house and laid upon the tablo of his great hall. Opposition to the order was of no avail, and it was executed. This greatly embarrassed the minister, who, in tho fulness of his heart, 6ent the captain wprd that announced his coming to ternw. His message was : — "If you will have the d'jad mv t>**n away, I will never again dispute with you. So far from tiat, I shall be always ready and willing to bury you and your whole company for nothing." The dead man was removed and regularly buried. GOOD SOLID WILD WEST REASON. 'Does Shacknasty John°pn live near here?' enquired a traveller who was joirneying across the Oklahoma Prairie. "Nope," replied the man addressed, a grey-whiskered old fellow, ia response to a stranger's hail. "Well, do you know where he can le found?" "Nope." "Dear me ! I must have lost my way. Can you tell me where WilliiiTi Hi on, familiarly known as 'Old Grizzly,' lives, then?" " "I reckon so." "Where is her" "Right here ; I'm Hoon." "Indeed! Why, they told me ab the settlement that Johnson lived within gunshot of you." "He did. That's the reason he ain't here now." HER CASTLES IN THE AIR. In the Teign of Charles 11. , Dr. John Wilkins, the i-juop of Carlisle, attempted to prove the possibility of a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who had written thireen folio volumes upon speculative matters, meeting with the bishop one evening, thought to disconcert him. "My lord," she queried, "suppose you were able to carry me to the moon, where am I to bait on way thither?" "Madame," said the bishop, "of all people in tho world, I should not have expectedi that question from you, you have built so many castles in the air that you might sleep ever^- night in one of them !" WHICH WON? "What's the matter?" exclaimed Bykins' friend, in dismay. "Have you been sick?" "I've had a little season with the surgeon," was the cheery reply. "Was it an accident?" "No. It was a bicycle race." "Who won it?" "I got the best of it. We were threa in a bunch. One man fractured his shoul-der-blade and broke his arm and one leg. Another one dislocated several joints and stove in a number of ribs. I didn't break anything but my collarbone." "What do they mean by a test case?" "A test case is one which is brought to see how much the lawyers can make out of it." Sorro— "You haven't forgotten that ten shillings you owe." Borro — " My dear boy, it's inscribed on the tablets of my memory, never to be erased." ' The Bride (from Chicago)— " This is my fourth bridal tour." The Bridegroom — " Well, I hope it will be your last one." The Bride (bursting into tears)— " You selfish thing !" "Well, little chap," said the stranger in tho family, picking up one of the children, " what are you going to be when you're a man?" " Nuffin'," said the child. "Nothing? Why?" asked the stranger. " Because," said the child, "I am a little girl." An Australian paper announces that a "performance was given by the Bath chair," which suggests a queer discovery of a musical chah\ It is only the context which elucidates and minimises the announcement. The performance wa3 given by the "Bach Choir-"