WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LX, Issue 114, 10 November 1900, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

.THE COMPOSITOR AND THE COM- ■ POSER. "Mr. Louis C. Elaom, the Boston muisical critic and composer, is of opinion, that probably no department in the newspaper of to-day suffers so much from the errors of« tke compositor . as the column of ui'usical criticism.' Hero ana a. few statements which the proof-reader caused him to ma-ke. He called Mr. Bjorksten "a new tenor," but the paper madia him "a. new terror." There was an instrument; which the proofreader would never learn to spell correctly and that* w«a the ' oboe ; whenever thaib instrument was played Mr. .El&on. was quite ready to see it stated' that "Mr. Sautof performed a fine solo on th© shoe." "Thjei worst mispriub that ever befeil me personally," says Mr.. Elson, "wa3 once when I grew too eloquent about' Haydn and spoke of him as standing 'between the oontrapunita.l giants and mod"em^Q'lourists.' .In. the printed edition I ,was' made .to state that 'Haydn "stopd between th© contrapuntal guruihts and the modern colonists,' and I have never tried to be eloquent since." . TAKING TIME BY THE FORE- ' lock; A charge of "vfatoh robbery was preferred before the-. late Sir James Ingham by a gentleman against an individual who had travelled in- the same carriage with him from Bournemouth, but in the end it was found that the watch had not been stolen, but had been left home by the prosecutor. ( To mollify the inno- , cent man, Sir James said — '\lt is a most remarkable occurrence. To 'show,' however, how liable we all are to make these mistakes, I was under the impression when I left my house at Kensington this morning that I put my watch (which, I may mention, is an exceedingly valuable one) in my pbeket, but arriving at this court I found that I must have left it at home by mistake." While business was proceeding, an old thief at the back of the court went out, jumped into a hansbm cab, drove off to Sir James Ingham's residence, and,- by representing himself as abona fide messenger, obtained possession, of, the watch,* which has never been heard" of since. A CIGAR STORY. \ "A little over four years ago," said Smithson, " I made up my mind that I was smoking too much. -It didn't seem to affect my health in the least, but I thought it., was a foolish waste of money, and { decided to give it up." , "'A ver_y sensible idea, indeed," remarked Brownlow. ''So I thought at the time. I figured out, 'as closely as I could, how much I had been spending .each day for cigars and tobacco. That fcum I set aside each day, and started a banking account with it. I to be able to show just exactly how much I had saved by not smoking." "And how did it work," enquired Brpsralow. " At the end of twelve months I found that I had £55 in the bank.", " Good ! Could you lend me " J^And a few days later," interrupted Smithson, "last Thursday" in fact — the bank failed. You got a cigar about you, have you?'/ A QUERY FOR HIM. He -had discoursed learnedly, if somewhat wearying^-, to Ms friend on the influence of food upon character. " Tell me," said he in summing up, "tell me what a man eats and I will tell you what he is." His friend, though fatigued^ was evidently interested. "There is only one question I wish to ask you," he said. "Ask it," replied the discourser magnanimously, with an air that said very clearly. " Give me a hard one while you are at it, and I'll show you how smart I am." "It is this," replied the fatigued friend. "How much sage tea would you have to drink to make a wise man of yourself?" No answer being promptly forthcoming, the conference broke up. ONE WAY OUT. "Peter," said a grocer to his shopman, "I owe about £300." "Yes, sir." " I have £200 in the safe, but the shop is empty ; I think it is the right time to fail." ' " Yes, . sir," said the courteous shopman. " But I want a plausible pretext for my creditors. You have got brains, and I wish you'd think the matter over tonight.'" The shopman promised to think it over carefully. On entering the shop next morning the grocer found the safe open, the money gone, and in its place a note, which . ran as follows : — "I have taken the £200 and am off to -America. It is the best excuse you can give»your creditors.' ALWAYS IN SESSION FOR THAT. Mr. Peck, at the banquet to the Bench and Bar in America in the Middle Temple Hall, told the following story t — An American Judge insisted upon trying a case on Good Friday. One of the coun,sel reminded him that it was a^legal holiday, and that Pontius Pilate was the only judge who was ever known to hold a court on that day. " You compare me with Pontius Pihxte?" exclaimed the angry judge. "You are guilty, sir, of gross'- contempt ,of court." ' " Inasmuch as this court is not in session," replied the advocate, "I cannot he guilty of treating it with contempt." " Let me tell you, sir," said the judge, in a crescendo of passion, " that for the purpose of being treated -with contempt,this court is always in session." ' DISCLAIMING THE SALUTE. Not' many years ago the Connaught Rangers were stationed at A^hlone, the commanding officer being a \ strict disciplinarian. One evening, as he~ was passing into barracks, he observed Private Pat Byrne going in about six paces in advance of him. The sentry saluted the- officer in the usual way, and the soldier, who had slightly indulged in some "J. J. and 5.," and was not aware* of the officer's presence, returned the salute. > The, officer promptly called on him to halt.' As" the officfc? came up the soldier stood to attention ahdVVas asked —"Why did you return tike sentry's salute, knowing it was not intended for you?" to which he replied—" l always return anything that I'm Hot entitled to, sir." ' ■ # "Harkins," said Mr. Barlow to his foreman, "the firm has' decided to inaugurate a system of profit-sharing with its employees." "Good!" replied Haa-kins. "What were th© firm's profits last year'/" "Last year the "firm lost sfeyen thousand pounds/ " That necessitates" a cut of 10 per cent, in wages under the new system. Tell the men th© new arrangement comes into effect immediately, Harking." Provision for the future— Mrs. Bonney : Six motherless children, you say? And can't you find work? Twtmp : Oh, they're not iold enough for that yet, ino-'am. She— ;" Left her husband, has she? Why, she used to say he < was;' the ' light of her existence.'^ He— -"Yes, 1 but the light began to go out at nights."