WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LVII, Issue 23, 28 January 1899, Page 10 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Ethel — " Do you meet many people while wheeling?" Tom— "Oh, yes; I run across a friend occasionally." She — " I heard that you said that I was no spring chicken." He — "Neither you are, my deny ; you're a duck." Medical Practitioner — "In a patient, what is the first thing to find out. 1 "' Student — " Find out if he can pay." Little Clarence — " What do people feather their nests with?" Mr. Callipers — "Cash down is the best thing I know of." Landlady — " My lodgers are all so witty." Mr. Firstfloor — "Ah, there is nothing like hunger to sharpen the wits." " You say they are twins, and yet one is five years older than her sister?" " Yes. You see, one of them is .married and one is not." Not Lasting. — Marie — " Did you make an impression on him ?" Edith — " Yes, but it did not last j he was too soft." — Harper's Bazaar. Mamma — " Well, Tommy, you know nc one will love you if you are so naughty." Tommy — " Satan will. He loves naughty boys best."— Fun. " Named your boy after yourself, Mr. Barrows." "No, Mrs. Thompson; we have named him James after a prolonged family row." — Harper's Bazaar. Mr. Foster , Tightfist— " I say! let me have the fiver I lent you last night, will you?" Mr. Spender — " For heaven's sake have a little patience. I haven't had time to spend it yet?" Mrs. Short — " Here's an invitation i o Mr. Long's wedding. What on earth can we send him ?" Mr. Short — " He lost a ten-dollar umbrella of mine a year ago. I'll make him a present of it." Mistress — " There's dust on the piano, Mary, of at least six weeks." Maid — " But, ma'am, that was the fault of the girl that was here before me ; I've only been in the house three weeks !" " That fortune-teller said if I paid her a sovereign she would reveal to me why I don't get rich." " Did you give it to her?" " Yes ; and she told me I had a great weakness for fooling away money." Dobson — " So the factional fight is on again in the church ?" Hobson — " Yes. half the congregation are opposed to the new pastor. Dobson — "What has he been doing V Hobson — " Pleasing the other half." Beggar — "Madam, would you please help an old soldier along who has seen many battles?" Benevolent Lady (handing him a shilling) — " Where — India or Egypt?" Beggar — "In the il'strated papers, mum." Mr. Newlywed (reading) — " Nobody ever saw a dead mule." Mrs. Newlywed (who is thinking of something else and not listening) — "Don't you think your life insurance premiums are a waste of money, John?" Anxious Mother — "How is it that you have so much trouble with your housekeeping? You told me your wife could cook." Son — " She can.'' Anxious Mother — 'Then what is the matter?" Son — " She won't." Mr. Harix (after reading letter from son at college) — " John says he is a quarterback." Mrs. Harix — "Wa-al, send him the quarter, an' let him pay up. We can't afford to hey him in debt fer th' sake uv a small sum like that." An irrepressible poet wrote to an editor — •" I give you one more trial. Will you not sens me a cheque for this?" The editor replied — " We have tried to check you for years past, but it really seems impossible." The Marquis (at the swellest ball in London) — " Surely I have seen your beaui.ial face before, Miss Saintlou Cureall?" Miss Saintlou Cureall — " Morn likely. Pa 'used it on all his patent medicine ads., as ' After taking.' " Papa — " Now, Johnny, I have whipped you only for your own good. I believe I have only done my duty. Tell me, truly, what do you think yourself?" Johnny— "If I told you what I think you'd give me another whipping." Some years ago, at Winchester, a notice was put up that " Mr. So-and-So (one of the masters) will give a lecture* on 1 Our eyes, and how we see through them." Underneath some boy wrote, " or our pupils, and how they see through us." Papa — "See the spider, my boy, spinning liis web. Is it not wonderful? Do you reflect that, try as he may, no man could spin that web?" Johnny — "What of it? See me spin this top. Do you reflect that, try as he may, no spider could spin this top?" Miss Nerves — "Doctor, I'm in constant dread of getting into a trance or something and being buried alive." Dr. Pylls — "Nonsense ! You take what I prescribe, and drive such foolish notions out of yonr head. Such a thing as being buried alive never happens to my patients !" Hobson — "How did you enjoy your summer trip, Bagley?" Bagley — "Had a delightful time. Gained 130 pounds/ Hobson — "One hundred and thirty poundr. I don't believe it." Bagley — Don't you? Well, here it comes down the street. Just wait a moment and I'll introduce you." " You are an iceberg," exclaimed her elderly but well-preserved adorer, pr 1 " with anger and mortification, " a dozen Cupids, with a hundred arrows each, could never find a vulnerable place in your flinty heart?" "Not if they used an old beau to* shoot with', Mr. We'llup," coldly replied the young and beautiful Miss Flyppe. "You say you are an actor by profession?" asked the magistrate. "I am, your Honour," answered the frazzled, red-eyed, and forlorn, but still dignified specimen of manhood before him, in a deep, tragic voice. " Well," said the magistrate, " I shall have to send you to the work-house for 60 days. We haven't any play-house." " The idea of your being afraid of an insignificant little mouse," said Grumbly to his wife the other evening. "I'd be ashamed to tell it." "Oh, that doesn't prove that I am a coward," answered the better half. " I possess more courage than most women, and have proved it." " I'd like to know how," he growled. " Why. by marrying you," she replied. "Talk about the police being incapable," said he ; " look how quickly they have broken up that crowd. It is melting like ice before a furnace." " You are mis- j taken, my friend," replied the man of observation; "there is not a policeman in sight.' "What is it, then?" "Mercian outdoor entertainment of some kind, » id one of the performers is just going round with the hat." Private O'Meara appeared before his colonel and asked for a two weeks' fuslough to visit his sick wife, who wanted his help, "an' she with all those childeabout her." The colonel eyed him for r. few minutes, and said — " Patrick, I might grant your request, but I got a letter from your wife this morning, saying that she didn't want you home : that you were a nuisance, and raised the devil whenever you were there. She hopes I won't lei you have any more furloughs." It war Patrick's turn to eye the colonel, as he started for the door. Stopping suddenly, he said — " Cornel, darlin', there's a beau tiful pair of us this day. I niver was married in my loife at all." An old whitewasher stood before the Court as a witness. The lawyer for the defendant tried to confuse him. " Yon are James Miller ?" " Yes." " Are you the James Miller who was sentenced, undeT mitigating circumstances, for robbery ? ' "No." "You are perhaps the Mille v who was sentenced to two years' imprisonment for theft, then ?" "i am not thai Miller, either." "Were you eve« in prison ?" " Yes — twice." " How ? ong the first time ?" " One afternoon." "Om afternoon ! And the second time ? Yoi must make a truthful statement, for you are a sworn witness. If you wero in Srison for so short a time, what did you o?" " I whitewashed a cell for a lawyer who had chaatad hio nlintifo,"