A BAD MARKSMAN.

Evening Post, Volume LVI, Issue 74, 24 September 1898, Page 2 (Supplement)

A BAD MARKSMAN.

One of the stories that the late James Payn, the novelist, liked most to tell was about what he called an American duel, wherein two duellists, with one second, met within doors and drew lots to decide which should shoot himself. A. was the unlucky mari, aud without a word he retired into the next apartment to carry out the purpose of self- destruction. B. and the second, both very much moved by the tragedy of the situation, remained in listening attitudes. At last the pistol was heard ; they shuddered with emotion and remorse, when suddenly in rushed the supposed dead man, triumphantly exclaiming, ' Missed, by Heaven !'

She : I thought you told me your salary was £5 a week ? He : Oh, no ; I said I earned £5, but I only get £2. The governess was giving little Tommy a grammar lesson the other day. 'An abstract noun,' she said, 'is the name of eoraethine: which you can think of, but not touch. Can you givo me au example?' Tommy : ' A red-hot poker J' . ,

Both Expensive. — Some of the strongerminded women are disposed to argue that a feather on the hat is no more cruel to the birds than a whole quail on toast, and insist that both are designed to tickle the fancy of weak man. • Doctor,' said a man to his medical attendant, who had jußt presented a small bill of thirty- five shillings for treatment during a recent illness, ' I have not much ready money. Will you take this out in trade?' 'Oh, yes,' cheerfully answered the doctor, ' I think we can arrange that : but what is your business ?' 'lam a cornet , player,' was the startling reply. A Russian peasant having gone to buy himself a pair of new boots, fell asleep by the roadside on his way home, and was stripped of his cherished boots by a lightI fingered tramp ; but his sleep remained unbroken till a passing waggoner, seeing him lying across the track, shouted to him to 'take his legs out of the way.' 'My legs?' echoed the half- aroused sleeper, rubbing his eyes ; ' those legs ain't mme — mine had boots on !' An inspector, examining a boy's written answers to a series of questions upon elementary physiology, lighted upon a sentence, 'The liver is an infernal organ.' He poised his blue pencil over the sentence, and was about to Bwoop down upon it, when he paused, and speaking with that sincerity which comes from personal experience, said, with a pad smile upon his face, ' No ; let the word stand. The boy is right— quite right !' A devotee of football, well known to be very stingy, was present at the playing of the final tie for the Association Cup. Carried away by the dashing performance of a certain player, he offered, to pay for some refreshment for him. He devoutly hoped and expected the player to ask for a gluss of beer or some other inexpensive drink. Bub the player knew him. Seeing an opportunity that was not likely to occur again, he said, with a moment's hesitation, 'I guess I'll have a bottle of champagne.' 'Guess again,' were the only words the astonished admirer had power to utter — 'guess again 1'

to the direction ; and his ultimate escape after two and a-half years — these things form but a very small part of the narrative, which has been declared by those most competent to judge to be unique in the history of the world. Next comes a quarter of a century of residence in the Australian main among the cannibal blacks. There are weird incidents which will cause a thrill of horror and pity throughout the civilised world, such as the finding of tvo English girls as the wives of a cannibal chief, and the discovery (in a condition of idiocy) of the lost Australian explorer, Gibsop. M. de Rougemont made his pots and pans out of virgin gold, and maintained his prestige among his strange subjects by all sorts of astonishing devices — not the least among which was hie drawing a colossal portrait of Her Majesty the Queen, pictured on the rocks, with charcoal and queer pigments such as the blacks were wont to decorate themselves with on occasion of a corroboree or festival dance. M. de Rougemont has appeared before eminent geographical authorities, who have heard and checked his story by meami of maps and charts and explorers' latest reports. Indeed, so interesting is M. de Rougemont's narrative to scientific bodies, apart from its popular interest, that arrangements are being made for him to read a paper before the British Association at its Bristol Congress in September. M. de Rougemont will also approach the Western Australian Government on the interesting subject of some new goldfields of vast richness which he found during his amazing wanderings. The narrative appears in the Wide World Magazine, commencing in the August number. It is certainly the most amazing story a man ever lived to tell, and, having regard to the advance of civilisation, it is extremely unlikely that any other white man will again have an opportunity of going through similar adventures.

Diner (to waiter who brings the soup) : Why didn't you take your finger out of that coup P Waiter : Oh it ian't hot.