HE WANTED TO BE PUT OUT.

Evening Post, Volume LV, Issue 125, 28 May 1898, Page 2 (Supplement)

HE WANTED TO BE PUT OUT.

One of the first men to reach San Francisco with a hoard of Klondyke gold was an Irishman named Fiunegun, who had been very poor before he struck it rich. 'Oi say, yez kin bring me two dozen eyesters,' he said, airily, as he took a seat in one of the finest restaurants iv 'Frisco. The oysters were soon set before him, and Finnejran, looking about for something to put on them, and hardly knowing what the something should be, spied a bottle of the fiery Tabasco, and proceeded to season the bivalves not wisely but too well. Impaling an oyster upon his fork, he thrust it into his mouth, then leaped to hiß feet with a terrific roar of pain, and began dancing about and yelling like a madman. ' See here :' cried the proprietor, rushing to the table, ' keep atill, or I'll put you out !' 1 P-p-put me out, is it ? Oi wish yez would put me out !' yelled Finnegan. 'Me insoidoa is blazin' loike a matchfactory !' — Harper's Magazine. Makes a Bolt for Business.—The ironfounder. Very Irritating to the Farmer. — Treading on his corn. Worse than Heavy Sleet or Snow.— • Hailing ' 'buses and cabs. Not Usually the Centre of It. — The man who has a wide circle of acquaintances. A farmer was startled by hia little daughter asking, 'Father, when you've finished milking a cow how do you turn it off?' hunting: You often hear of self-made men, but never of self-made women. Larkin : Women prefer to be tailor-made. Comment Matrimonial. — The Better Half : You know I am a woman of few words. The Worae Half: Yes, but you warm 'em over so often 'I've been married five years,' said the proud little matron from Detroit. ' That's nothing,' laughed the Chicago Woman; • I've been married five times.' Miller: You never see me turning my head to stare at a pretty girl I pass on the street. Baker: What! do you mean to tell me that your wife never allows you to go out alone f ' Minister (to irate coloured woman, who has been complaining that her husband neglected and abused her) : Have you tried ' coals of firo ' on *his head ? Coloured Woman : No, massa, but I'se done tried hot water outen de kettle. Win : Wilkina has invented a telephome appliance which cannot fail to make hia fortune. Gildea: What ia it? Win: It ia a device to enable two ladies to talk over the same wire at the same time. The Fair One: I suppose you will marry, though, when the golden opportunity offers, won't you ? The Cautious One : It will depend upon how much gold there ia in the opportunity. 'Officer,' shouted an excited man to a Chicago policeman, ' those fellow 6in that saloon just stood me on my head and took away every cent I had!' 'Thim boys at Patsy's,' was the officer's comment as he moved on, 'was always great at jokea.' A little girl aged five, who had been on a visit to an aunt in the country, was playing with a collie dog, when she was asked if her aunt had a dog. 'No,' ghe replied, ' my auntie has'nt a dog nor a pussy, nor a dickie bird, nor a live ting 'tall— only my uncle.' At a New England Society dinner some years ago, Mark Twain had just finished a piquant address, when Mr. Evarts arose, thrust both hia hands into his trousera pockets, aB was his habit, and laughingly remarked, 'Doesn't it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny ?' Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited' by this sally had subsided, and then drawled out, ' Doesn't it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his handa in his own pockets?' One evening John Scott (Lord Eldon) had been sipping freely of the convivial bowl with a friend in Edinburgh. Not being able to distinguish objects with any degree of certainty, he felt himself losing his way to his own home. While in thiß perplexity bo saw someone coming toward him whom he aaked — ' D'ye ken whaur John Scott bides ?' ' Whaur's the use of your speering that question ? You're John Scott, hinißel.' 'I ken that,' answered John indignantly, ' but it's no himsol' that'a wauted— it's his house.' In a certain manufacturing town it waß a common thing not two years ago, for skillod workmen to save sufficient money to build houHos for themselves. A great deal of rivalry existed among these men as to who should have the best house, with sometimes curious architectural results. A. and B. wero two rivals. A. having built a house, 8. , whoso turn soon afterwards came, determined to outdo him. So he called iv a well-known arohitect to prepare plans. Asked what aspect ho would like to his house, B, scratching his head, enquired: ' Aspect ? What's that ? Has A got one P* ' Why, of course,' said the arohiteot ; 'he couldn't possibly——' ' Then put me on two of 'em.'