THE STORY-TELLER. Silas P. Cornu's Dry Calculator.

Evening Post, Volume LV, Issue 101, 30 April 1898, Page 1 (Supplement)

THE STORY-TELLER. Silas P. Cornu's Dry Calculator.

' Talkin' about inventions, did you never hear of Silas P. Cornu's Patent Dry Calculator ? You surprise me. It was a lot thought of in its time, an' I guess if you'd come to Athens, Dakota, about ten years ago you'd have made its acquaintance pretty sliok. 'It was a cur' us piece of mechanism that machine, Bir, an' it was a credit to its inventor. It eorved its purpose, au' if it ain't in use to-day it's through no fault of Silas Cornu. 4 Maybe you've heard of the University of Athens. Dak ? You do surprise me, sir! Wo turn out scholars there who compete with British graduates on classical lines, mi' JbfiAt 'em> . hollo*;. Mythology nourishes there, sir, an' if you want HTiy instruction about Homer, or Venus, or J. Ccos'iv, or any other ancient favourite, I don't know a better pluco to apply to for psrtic'lers. ' Yos», sir, at the time £ speak oJ Athor.s whs clean gone on the classics, Everything else came in second, with a big amount of daylight between ; an' if ono thing was inoro disregarded than another it was liggerin' vp — usuth'niatics, as they call it. All figgeriu' was put on one side, an' loft there. Seemed to the head men of the University, sir, that civilisation beg-an an' ended with Homer, and Venus, an' J. CfC3ar, who lived bofore the multiplication table was invented ; an' if they did so well without it why shouldn't we? 4 It was a seductive sorter roasonin', and iho students took to it amazin', an' the same notion filtered down through all the schools in tho placo. All those who'd beon convers.mt with math'matics tried to forget 'em, an' soon thetfe wasn't a child in the city who did more- than know his fingers from his alphabet, and even then they got mixed up at times with their 9's and q's which air amazin' like when you come to think of it. lOf course a certain amount of figgerin' had to be done, but it was fixed up on the quiet, so to speak, an' folk were more or less ashamed of it, an' if they couldn't get a buih right they hadn't the courage to ask anyone to help 'em. ' Now, Silas P. Oornu happenod to call there one day for some objec's for the Tontine Museum, of which he was secretary, an' he was sorter struck by the difficulties tho inhabitants had with their figgerin' up. He had been working at a mechanical arrangement for a long time back in his spare hours that was to do atstruso calculations with its wheols an' cogs that no man livin' could do with his head, even if he wanted to — lograthums they called 'em. I won't say what a lograthum is, 'cos I don't know, but I reckon there's cities been built, an' nations riz an' fallen, that never had a derned lograthum to divide among 'em, so tfyey don't seem, as you might say, absolutely essential to human progress. 'However, Silas Geemed to think there'd be a run on 'em if they could be turned out slick, an' he no doubt saw dollars in it, for he put a power of time in tho job. But those lograthums, sir, were tricky, an' weren't to be had in a hurry, an' Silas sorter began to see as life wouldn't be long enough to get the machine properly fixed up an' the patent registered. 'Now, when he came to Athens he saw at once that although he couldn't get his lograthum machine inter workin' order he could easily rig up a smaller machine on similar lines that would do all that Athens wanted, an' bring in a fair amount of remuneration. He argued, "If the inhabitants of thishyer city don't wanter soil their heads with figgers they've no cause to. Let 'em invest in a calculatin' machine, an' thoy> can reckon on the work bein' done for 'em aut'matie'ly." So ho went home, an' in a few months ho had turned out an attractive - lookin' article— somethin' between a sewin' machine an' a box-organ — as would do anythin' in simplo addition for twenty-five dollars. For an extra ten dollars you could add a switch which would include multiplication, an' there Silas stuck. Ho couldn't tack on division or subtraction, no matter how many dollars you'd plank down. ' Still, notwithstandin' these limits, it was a tidy article, an' as soon as it was on the market Athens went in for it bodily. There wasn't a store of any size or a citizen of any standin' but had a twenty-five dollar Calculator. Most of 'em went in for the ten dollar extra switch as well, for when you come to think of it you can't get far, even with classical tastes, without havin' a multiplication sum on your hands now an' agin. How those Athens folk got on without either division or subtraction I don't know, but I s'pose that people that air content to think about Homer, an' Venus, au' J. Gesar, an' talk in Greek an' gumArabic, don't do much in that line. ' Silas made a sight of dollars out of Athens, but didn't do much with it elsewhar. Outside that seat of learn- ( in' folk weren't too proud to do their figgerin' up for themselves, an' thoy only heaped derision on the canvasser that called offerin' the calculatin' machine. But in Athens Silas did well. His Calculators were so constructed that they couldn't go wrong.

Pretty well all accounts that came in were checked by it before bein' paid, an' no two machines were ever known to express a different opinion, either in summin' up or in multiplyin.' 'They had other advantages as well. They could be used as footrests, an' when you were not usin' the thing for math'matical purposes you could beat eggs in it or clean knives an' cutlery in general. He was a handy man at inventing was Silas Cornu, an' he always put as much inter his notions as he could pretty well squeeze. ' Well, sir, mechanical math'matics hu aimed iv Athens city for a considerable period. Figgers were at a discount, an' it was a long time since a leadin' citizon had done a sum oponly on his own account. Then there came a reg'lar bust up. ' James J. Jordan, mayor of the city, kept a big book-store. He had all the volumes about Homer, Venus, J. Caesar, and the rest, an 7 grammar books of all the dead an' dyin' languages. He practically did all the sellin' to the University an' the schools, an' if anyone else wanted a book he'd bo pretty well sure to go to Jordan's for it. Some biggish accounts wero run up there, an' everybody paid 'em without a word when they bore the stamp of Silas Oornu's Calculator. 'It had seemed to many citizens for some time past that literature, an' indeed livin' gen'rally, cost more'n it oughter, but they reckoned that was the fault of tho dollar an' not of the article. No one ever thought of doubtin' Silas Oornu's Calculator, for any two of 'em always agreed, an' if machines lie they generally do it by themselves an' not in pairs like human bein's. 'Well, one day an account was sent in to the Treasurer of the University. Now it happened he'd only just got the job, an' bein' now to Athens, ho wasn't above doin* a bit of fig-germ' out of his own head. He found on that account an overcharge of fifty-two dollars. So next time he wif& in the city he called on Jordan an' pointed out the mistake. Jordan was sorter supercilious " Air you aware, sir, thishyer account | was addod up by Silas Cornu's 'Calculator?" '"I don't care who or what added it up. It's wroDg," said the Treasurer. ' ' " Do ye mean to tell me that ye doubt tho acc'racy of 'that machine '?" '"I don't say as I doubt any machine," said the Treasurer, "but I doubt this account. Add it up for yourself " '"I'd scorn to do it, sir!" said Jordan, loftily. " Here, Bowkor," said he to one of his helps, "just place this in the Calculator an' ask it to be good enough to run over it again. It's acc'racy is called inter question." ' Bowker took the account an' introduced it inter the slot, an sure enough it came out at tho other side with the old amount cert'fied as bein' correct. ' " Yo see, sir," said Jordan. " Peraps yu'll think twice before you make an assertion agin which you can't substantiate." 'The Treasurer was kinder riled by the tone Jordan took up. ' " D'ye think I'd take the word of an aut'matic candy box ? " — he called Silas Cornu's invention an aut'matic candy box, sir! " Haven't I got a head off my shoulders to do my own figgerin'? Do ye tell me this is correct ? " said ho, pointin' to the account. ' " I do," said James J. Jordan. ' " Then all J. say is you're an infernal liar?" an' bein' six foot two, an' broad in proportion, tie left that store undamaged. ' Well, sir, he went straight to tho Principal of the University an' laid the matter before him. The Principal took up the same line of argument as Joi'dan, said Cornu's invention was, like J. Crcsar's wife, abovo suspicion, placed the account in his own Calculator, an' there it came out with the same total. ( " Add it up yourself," said the Treasurer. ' But the Principal coxildn't do this, as he'd taken pertio'ler care to forget his figgerin' long ago. However, ho agreed to refer the matter to a noighbourin' university, which was runnin' Btrong at the time on math'matics. ' Well, the account was sont there, and came back with a cortiQcate that it was wrong by fifty-two dollars, the precise amount stated by tho Treasurer. ' Well, sir, if t' jre had been an earthquake I reckon the Principal couldn't have been more disturbed than he was when he saw that certificate, for the foundations of pretty well everythin' in Athens city rested on tho acc'racy of Silas P. Cornu's machines, an' here were two of 'em not only lyin' but actually agreein' in their lies. However, before the Calculator was publicly accused he thought it would be only fair to write to Silas an' ask him if he could explain the matter. 'Silas came down himself in a hurry, an' said a mistake was absolutely impossible. All Calculators had been personally tested, an' were warranted for twenty years an' two months. They were weather-proof, burglar-proof, an' mistake-proof. You might blast 'em to bits by dynamite if you were so disposed, but if you used 'em accordin' to his instructions they'd never lie — George Washington wasn't in it for veracity. However, he would inspect James J. Jordan's pertic'ler machine

4 So he called on Jordan an' asked to see his Calculator. Jordan wasn't for showin' it at first, but Silas ,produced a revolver from his vest an' handled it persuasively, so he was taken to the machine. Silas felt it all over an' examined the iittin's. ' "Thishyer machine's all right for calculatin' purposes, or egg-beatin', or knife-cleanin'. You've nothin' to say agin it's egg-beatin' or knifecleanin', have- you?" said he, turning to tho Treasurer. ' " I have nothin' to say agin those pertic'ler accomplishments," said the Treasurer. "All I say is it don't add up fair." '"We'll soon see to that," said Silas. "Jest draw out an invoice, Jordan, for that row of books." ' Jordan, lookin' more or less foolish, sat down and penned it out. Silas put it in the slot an' turned the crank, an' out it came at the other side added up and cert'fied. ' "Now, is thishyer correct ? " slid Silas, handin' it to the Treasurer. ' The Treasurer sits down an' works it out. "Thirty-three dollars overcharged," said he. ' " Give it me," said Silas, sittin' down to figger it up himself. ' I wasn't there at the time, but I have been told that Silas looked mortal bad when he found the Treasurer was correct. That account was wrong by thirty-three dollars. 4 Silas was a man of action. Ho pulled out a pertic'ler tool from his pocket, an' in two minutes had the Calculator open an' was peerin' inter it. 1 " What's thishyer, Jordan ?" said he, black as thunder. '"What's what?" said James J. Jordan, lookin' pertic'ler white. ' l> What's this ile mean ?" asked Silas sharply. ' " Wo has to ile 'em occasionally, to keep 'em in order," said Jordan. 4 "Air you aware," said Silas, "that the full title of this machine is ' Cornu's Patent Dry Calculator ?' " an' he pointed to the letterin'. ' " Yes, I've noticed that." { "Why did you apply m'isture in the shape of ile ? I spec' you know what ' dry' means." ' " I thought it referred to the character of the calculatin' work the machine did. Most folk call figgerin' up pretty dry." 4 •' Have you read tho instructions sent with each machine ?" continued Silas. ' '•' Can't say as I've seen any instructions. Have you, Bowker ?" said Jordan to his help. 'Bowker shook his head. Apparently neither of them had seen those pertic'ler instructions. ' "Thishyer machine was in perfect order for calculatin' ace'rately," said Silas to the Treasurer, " so long as my instructions were followed. It's a dry machine, an' I laid pertic'ler stress on that in my instructions, an' I cautioned the owner agin employin' ile or any other m'isture. If you go opposite to my instructions I'll not be responsible for the calculatin' done. It's a pity, Jordan, you forgot those instructions," he went on slowly, an' sorter fidgotin' with his ban's. " P'raps* you'll remember this a bit better," an' with those words he flashed out his six-shooter an' fired straight at him. 'He was a smart man, that Treasurer, at olhor things as well as figgers, for he knocked the barrel up before Silas pulled the trigger. Tl^ere was a big globe of the world standin' on a shelf just above Jordan's head. The bullet went in at Australia an' came out of the Atlantic at the other side. ' iSilas glanced reproachfully at the Treasurer, an' then seem' that Jordan an' his help had vanished, pocketed the revolver. ' " Let's inspec' somo othor machines," he said gloomily. ' They called on twenty-five stores runnin', and found twenty-five Calculators with their inaides swimmin' in ile. Word got round that Silas was comin', an' the proprietors of those stores were not at homo. Seemed as if they'd been called away sudden. 'On further investigation there wasn't a Biugle Calculator in the place that was correct in its figgers. It turned out that tho peculiarity of the machine for figgerin' ahead when ilo was applied had been ascertained pretty early on by Jordan an' his frien's, an' on a given day all the store Calculators wero iled, an' a young man was sent round to the private residences to inspec' the machines there free of cost an' see that they were in workin' order. Apparently ho put them so, for they always agreed with the store reckonings. Out of three hundred an' ! forty Calculatros in Athens city, three hundred and thirty-nine were iled up to the chin, an' the other ono, evidently kep' for experimentin' purposes, had jest been lubricated with vaseline. The power of that machine for summin' up in favour of the seller was remarkable. No doubt there'd have been a big run on vaseline at Athens if tho Treasurer hadn't turned up. 'That did for Silas P. Cornu's Patent Dry Calculator as far as Athens was concerned, an' folks began to understand how it was their incomes had done so little for 'em since Silas's invontion was sprung. They were sorry for Silas, for somehow all his inventions stopped short of complete success. No one blamed him that his machine wouldn't stand ile, but in future, save for egg-beatin' or knife-cleanin', they dare not use it themselves or buy at a store that employod its services*

'JanioaJ. Jordan an' thirty- nine other storekeepers were soon afterwards sentenced to three years' imprisonment an' a heavy fine for incitiu' Calculators to perjure" themselves, an' aidin' an' ab,ettin' 'em in the act. A 33 r oung machino iler narrowly escapod conviction also. ' Athens University was obliged to take up figgorin' agin after this disclosure. They hired a top-sawyer professor from the neighbourin' university to put 'em in tho way of it and start 'em fair. They knocked off an hour or two a day from Homer, an' Venus, an' J. Caßsar, devoted 'em to addin up au' multiply in', an' now ifc 'ud take James J. Jordan all his time to get a red cent more for a volume than he ought to have. ' Silas went back to Tontine, an' soon after resigned his situation at the museum so as to devote himself altogether to his lograthum machine. Ho hoped that Athens University would take it up when it was ready. Maybe Athens University would, but that particular machine never was ready.' — Henry A. Heri^g, in the Windsor Magazine.