Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume L, Issue 54, 31 August 1895, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

A Lot of Water.— "Mra. Kingham seems to be in great sorrow at the loss of her husband." " tea, she has been weeping so profusely ever since his death that I think she must have a cataract in her eye." A Doubtful Compliment.— Sir Talbot Snooks, M.F H. — " What, going already, Mrs. Rougemore?" "Yes, I'm awfully tired. Don't I look it?" "On the contrary, you look blooming, in fa(t as fresh as paint." Doinsr his Beet.—" Why do you always git off your wheel, Badger, when you meet a lady? ' " Beoaunj I cin't take my hat off to her. I do the best I cau aud take myself off." We do not speak in disparaging term's when we say that a woman who wears bloomers has loose habits Not Very Satisfying.- He : " Ihad such a strange dream last night." She: "What was it ?" He : "I dreamt that you gave me a loss." She: "Well, you can keep it " This operatic oriticism during the performance of a septet comes from Dublin. Voice from the " gods " : " Ooh the devils ! Look at the seven of them singin' at warns t, the way they'll get done sooner !" Uuluoky Speeches. — " Many happy returns of the day !' says the bashful Jones to fair bride on the occasion of her third marriage. A brace of pheasants was onCe forwarded by a theatrical manager to a well-known newspaper critic. He did not know what to do with them ; it seemed a foolish fuss to send them back, and yet — So he told his editor what had happened, and asked his advice. "How long have you had them f" asked the editor. " Eight days," the oritio answered. "Then eat them up quickly or it will be worse than a oase of briberyit will be bribery and corruption." A coloured philosopher says: "I has noticed dat all great men retains in arter life de early impressions of ohildhood. Dia soar heah is whar my fader hit me wid a broomstick. J>r. W. G. Grace's favourite Dish — "Batter Pudding." Reverend Johnson : "Am dar any male membab. Ob de congreKasbuji dat hab a new hat to-night ?" Deacon Randolph : "I hab." Reverend Johnson: "Yah well, deacon : yo' kin pass mah hat fo' de collecshun. I'm suah now t' git mah own hat back aftah de collecshun, an' net somebody else's hat that's dyin' ob ole age. Letde organ chirp." Tommy; "Oh, Mr. Tomkins, may I touch youP" Mr. Tomkins: "Certainly, Tommy; but why do you wish to?" Tommy: "Well, I heard Sis say you were so soft, and I want to see for myself." There is nothing more tantalising to a man than to go home with something in bis mind he wants to grumble about, and find company there, and be obliged -to be I polite. The new old woman. — "How did you happen to give up your bioyole P I thought you said it made you feel so young." "The trouble was it made me feel too young ; it is all very well for sixteen to act like sixty, but it doesn't do for sixty to act like sixteen." An evident error. — "That's a curious typographical error," said Mrs. Partridge. " The title of this new book is printed ' The Viking Age. 1 " "Well, why not ?" asked Partridge. "What ought it to be?" « Why— Biking, oughtn't it ?" "Fact is," said the one man, "I married because I was lonely, as much as for any other reason. To put it tersely, I married for sympathy." " Well," said the other man, "you have mine." " It seems to me ma has a mighty eaay time," sniffed Johnny, as he completed hii^jecond hour of weeding the cabbagebed/^vShe hain't nuthin' to do but stay in the house all day and take medicine for herneuralgy." "Say, papa, if we were lying at the centre of the earth wouldn't we be all funny P" "What makes you think ao, my son P" " 'Cause this geography says everything there loses its gravity ? New offloe boyt "A man called here to thrash you a few minutes ago." Editor: "What did you say to him ?" "I told him I was sorry you weren't in." •- Unfortunate.— Traveller (enquiring at a feudal castle) : " Can I see the antiquities to-day?" Servant: " I'm afraid not, sir. My lady and her daughter have gone to town." Here is a little tonsorial joke which, whether true or untrue, amusingly illustrates the force of habit. A hairdresser waa summoned to a private house the other day simply to shave a pet poodle. The young lady of the house, hearing the sonnd of a voice in the room in which the operation was being performed, stepped in unobserved, and this is what she heard: " Nice day, sir." (Pause). " Razor suit you, sir?" (Pause). "Good deal of weather, sir, lately." (Pause.) " A little powder, air?" (Pause.) "Hair's very thin, sir, on the top. I can recommend our extract of cuoumber, sir. Shampoo, sir?" (Growl). Next!" Tax Collector: "Really, Mr. Biggs, I can't accept this Income Tax return of yours as correct. You say your income is £600, and yet you live at the rate of £1000 a year." Biggs: "That's all right, my dear sir. This is an income tax, not an outgo tax. That extra £600 is an expense in my business." Tux collector : "In what way ?" Biggs: "Supplying my wife with the pleasures of life. If that isn't the business of a married man, I don't kn ow what is."