Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume L, Issue 48, 24 August 1895, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

* " Excuse me, ma'am," said the tramp' "hare you any wood you want split?" "No." His face brightened. "Any coal ru need carried?" "None whatever.' smile stole over his features as he went' on. "Is there any work of any kind ye conld call on me fur?" "No." With intense relief, he said ; ' ' Thank yer, missus, fur them assurances, even if yer charity can't go no furder. Tours is the only house that's let me git round to the question ter-day. Have yer got any cold victuals t" In our sanctum. — Kindly Caller : " Mr. Reditnr, can you lend me your scissors f" Ourselves: "We haven't a pair." X.0. : "Noseissors! Great Heavens ! And you oall this an editorial office. You'll be saying yon have no paste next.' ' Ourselves : "Try some of the other so-called comics." Leader-writer (to fair typist): "Why do you stop so often ? Can't you keep up with me P" Typist (who is rather Bhaky in her orthography): "Oh, yes; but your language is so eloquent that I frequently find myself spellbound." True and false.— Hairdresser: "Yes, I pride (•yself on the fact that all the false hair which I sell is thoroughly genuine." Making progress. — "Pull yourself together, old fellow. For each step forwards you make two slides backwards. "Hadn't Ish bettersh walk baokwardsh ?" " I don't object to this here New Woman business so much as some," said an old countryman. "It's just her nateralbent for information takin' a new tack. If she wasn't tryin' to find out all about gover'mint an 1 microbes, she would be tryin' to find out all about the neighbours, and you know the trouble that leads to." Jack (who has come down to dine with his chum) : " I say, old chap, what on earth is that smell?" Charley: "Oh, that's nothing, that's only the dinner." A new drink. — Daughter of the House (at the Tenants' Ball) : "Now, Mr. Mixen, you must come and have a mazurka with me." Mr. Mixen: "Thank you kindly, miss. Dancing do make me uncommon dry, to be Sure." Pumping. — Serious Young Journalist (alwayß ready to pump anyone with the view to getting information): "Now, in the course of a day you must expend a lot of wind ever that instrument of yours?" Irritable Bandsman (who does- not like being pumped) : " Yes, just about enough to fill a gas-o-meter." One Sunday, while a bailie was in charge of a collection plate, an old lady came in, and dropping a penny into it, passed into the ohurch. In a short time she reappeared, and, taking a penny from the plate, went out. The bailie, calling her baok, askedfor an explanation of her strange conduct. " Oh," said she, " I'm in the wrong kirk !" Servant (applying for place) : " And I ! shall want all day Sunday off, Mum." Mistress : " All day Sunday ! Whatever do you mean P" Servant: "Well, you see, Mum, I go cycling on Sundays with my young man." (Not engaged.) " Mumm*, what did Tommy Jones' papa mean when he said I was a ohip of the old block t" ; " He meant you were like your papa." " And when Tommy's mamma said I was a piece of impudence, did she mean I was like you?" An Irishman's rest.— Mike : " Why are ye standin' like an ould hen at roost, Pat?" Pat: "Howld yer whist, yer fool, oarn't ye see I'm resting?" "Was Rome founded by Romeo?" enquired a pupil ofjthe teacher. "No, my son," replied the wise man, " it was Juliet who was found dead by Romeo." MumcseUer; "Here is that book, ma'am, « How to Play the Piano.' " Lady of the house : " What book P I didn't order any book." "No, ma'am, but the neighbours did, and they told me to bring it to you." "Speaking of drawing," remarked the artist, "Ireaohedtheaomeof the draughtsman's ambition to-day." " Ah, indeed ?" " Yes ; I drew a cheque and it was honoured !" Heard in Ljmeriok. — Paddy O'Brien: "The earth is Irish." Micky Oeoghegan : " How do you make that out f" Paddy OB.: "It's in favour of the wearing of the green." "There is a nioe thing about having two babies in the house," said Sleepless. "What is that?" "They eaoh cry so loud you can't hear the other." • Those muddled orators.— "l enjoyed your leotnre on the bi-metallism question very muoh," said .the quiet man to the orator, ''but I should like to ask you. one question." "Certainly," said the orator; "go ahead." "What side of the question are you on?" Johnny : "I suppose papa didn't bother his papa much asking questions." Mamma : ' ' Why do you think so, Johnny P' • Johnny : "Well, his papa couldn't have told him much, anyhow. A candidate in a Board School grammar examination, according to the Granta, was recently asked to give an example of the three degrees of comparison. Tn^ answer was: "Boil, boiler, bust !" " Where is the" pretty girl you were making love to last summer ?" "Oh, she's married long ago." "Jilted you, eh?" "Not at all. She married me."