Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume L, Issue 36, 10 August 1895, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

TTri Pax ?— Quildrive : "Singular thing that they're going to have the words ' His End was Peace ' inscribed on old Bullion's tombstone." Inxling— "Not at all. He died a beautifully tranquil death." Quildrive : "Possibly. But how could his end be peace, when the peace was brokeu at his gorgeous funeral by 55 oases of pocketpicking, and 146 free fights ?" LiteroryTaste.— MissGushington: "Oh, call Hall Came a sweet writer." Mr. Nowise: "Ha! in fact, a sugar Came." O'Looney Problem. — O'Looney is anxious to know the difference between the "man who sinks the shop" and the " lady shoplifter." A Fishy Joke.— She : " And what do you think the most seasonable winter fish ?' ' He : *' The skate, my dear." " Save TJaFrom Our Friends." — Brown : " The worst of Kennington Jones, is, that he never knows when he has had enough. I am sure he was^haU-Beas-over at the Bsyswater Browns' the other night." Robinson: "Half-seas-over? Oh, no; he was just sailing into port." Colonel (to bandmaster): "Send that man home for not being properly dressed ; I wou't let him go out with the battalion." Bandmaster: "Please, feir, he's the big drum." (Collapße of colonel's authority, and triumph of Big Drum.) Connected with Literature — Quiteso: "Miss Million's knowledge of books is really phenomenal. She must surely be connected with literature. ' ' Justso : < ' Has been for years." Quiteso: "Ah, I guessed as much. Playwright, Journalist, or novelist, eh?" Justso: "None of 'em. Counter-jumper in a second-hand book store!" She Wanted More.- He : " You are my all in all." She : "I would prefer a husband who owned a little more than that." 'Any Abroad. — "An' they 'as the bloomin' cheek to call this 'ere the bridge 'of Sise !" exclaimed \Arry as he stood looking on the famous Venetian structure. " Why, it ain't 'arf the size o, London Bridge !" "I saw you angling for the captain, but why did you struggle so hard when he tried to kiss you ?" " Oh, that was only a piece de rctUtance!" A certain superintendent of schools had c, way of thundering questions at the children that completely deprived of them their wits. One day he called the thirdreader class to stand upon the floor, and began a promiscuous catechism. At last, pointing with his finger to a small, shrinking figure at the end of the class, he DBonted, "You there! What do you underntandby climate?" The answer came in a weak seared voice, "Get up it, sir." A « A bad, revengeful little boy rubbed fine cayenne pepper all over the back of his coat, and well into the cloth, and then laughed out loud in school, for which the master flogged him severely, but dismissed school soon after to go and see an eye doctor. Algie: "What are your chances with Ethel?" Chappie: "She said she would be tempted to marry me if anything should happen to her dog, and he sneezed twice while I was there last night." "Yes l am awfully fond of that girl, \nd I believed her to be perfect, but I saw 4omethingabout her lastmght that made me ill." "What was that?" "Another fellow's arm." "It strikes me that it is awfully disagreeable for you to talk in your sleep every night," said Mrs. M'Cbrdie to her husband. "I agree with you, my dear; but I have to improve my opportunity, you know." He: "Miss Angelina, I love you—" She: "But I haven't a shilling in the world." He: "Exouse me, you did not allow me to finish. I love you not — " She : " So. I only wanted to try you. -You see I have a fortune of £20,000." He: "Yes; but you interrupted me again. I love you not for your moneys sake." She: "Well, I'm so glad, for that was only a joke about that £20,000." " I can't pay this bill, doctor. It's exorbitant ; I'm no better than I was, either." "That's because you didn!f- tuke my adrioo.-**- "Ah weif of course, if I didn'6 , take it I don't owe you for it. Thanks. } Good -morning." At a recent tennis tournament, one young lady not being np in time, the secretary , sent a verbal message to her house to inform her that if she did not come at once he would " scratch " her. The maid, horrified At the wont of courtesy in the use of the term she did not understand, endeavoured to soften the message by delivering it thus — "Please, miss, Mr. Racket says if you do not corns at one* he will squeeze you."