Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLIX, Issue 134, 8 June 1895, Page 2 (Supplement)

W it and Humour.

Swoet Girl: " The man I marry must be both brave and brainy." Adoring Youth : " When you went out sailing and upset I i-avod you from a watery grave." " That was brave, I admit, but it was not brainy.' 1 " ifes, it was, I upset the bout on purpose." Tho Superioiity of Woman. — Ada : "Men are so slow! It took him nearly two hours to propose to me last night. Helen: "And how long did it take you to accept him, dear?" Ada: "Just two seconds !" Women are usually most extravagant in their methods of saving money. A Difference of Opinion.— He: " Mrs. Montgomery has a lovely complex jon. She looks lie a piece of porcelain." She : " Or old china." "No," Baid the weary housewife to the minister on his sick call, " there ain't no uso talkin' of re*t everlastin' for the likes o1o 1 me. 'Pears that other folks git luck like that, but I don't. I've ben stumpin 1 round on my feet ever sence I was born, and 'taint likely to let up. 'F I was put underground on a Monday, don't you forgit the Resurrection would come along o' Chowsday, and hustle me out. I know what to look for !" "Young man, what right have youto kiss my daughter on such short acquaintance?" " what proof, (sir, have you that I have done any such thing?" "No positive proof, young man ; but" that hairpin in your moustache is strong circumstantial evidence." Manchester folk are not yet posted in sea-faring lingo. Thus a Manchester Sbip Canal hand was overheard, shouting at the the top of his voice to a captain, " Aro you bringing in the blunt end or the thiirp end of that ship P" Another, wishing to stop a ship, ran along the quay, crying out, " Whoa, whoa !" Fond Mother (to intent son, who is afraid to kiss pretty visitorj : " Why are you afraid to kias Miss Graham?' 7 Infant: "Because when pa kissed her the other day she slapped his face. 1 ' Captain Chißholm was the guest of a Highland laird during the shooting season, and was very populav with the house party. One day the laird, fishing with a ghillie, asked him how he liked the Captain Donald replied, "Oh, he's veryweel as a shot, and a quid haund at the saumon ; but he's naira, naira" (narrow). "How's that?" asked the laird; " I always heard he was liberal." "Ah, weel, it's jist this way,'' Baid Donald: "The other day, when I gaffed a thirty-pounder for him, he asked me if I wud tak' a dram, and I eaid ' Yes. ' He began pourin' the whusky intae the cup, and, hy way o' bein' gentry, I S-iid, ' Stop, stop, stop ' ; and, d n it, he did stop. Ah ! he's rale naira !" "You get off here," said Charon, ashe warped his boat into the Blip at the bottomlees pit. "Dear me!" exclaimed the cyclist; "I am disappointed. I -did so want to try those gold pavements; bntl suppose there are worse things than cinders after all." A Definition. — Labour Leader — A man who does no work. Wife: "What makes you so late tonight, dear ?" Husband (with indignation) : «• I've been arrested." Wife : "Arrested ?" Husband : " Yes. ¦ I bought an umbrella to-day and marked on it, ' Stolen from H Smirk. ' The first policeman I met arrested me. I told him my name was Smirk, but he wouldn't believe me." "No," said the young woman, haughtily, in response to his request, as they sat at the porch in the twilight. " I will not let you hold my hand. I don't believe in such conduct for a young lady. And besides," she added, after a pause, "it isn't dark enough yet." "I do not like big women," said the heedless gentleman sitting next to an unusually tall lady at dinner; and then, seeing his blander, he added, "At least, when they are young." Arizona Pete: "What's that thing that whizzed past?" Citizen: "A trolly car." Arizona Pete : " In my country we sometimes hold up railroad train?, but you bet we'd let that thing have it's own way." Foreign Visitor : " Many of you AraeriMUIB have distinguished ancestors, but you never mention them. Why is that?" American Citizen : " It's this way — While we are poor we aro ashamed to boast ; when we get rich, wo dou't need ancestors." Catalan!, liko most jtrime dvnne, had a great weakness for showing off her jewellery. "You see dis brooch?" she would say. "De Emperor of Austria gave me dis. You ccc de*e earrings? The Emperor of Russia gave me dese. You see dis ring ? De Emperor Napoleon gave me dis " ; and so on. Braham, the eminent tenor, in imitation of this would say, pointing to his umbrella, '-You see dis? De Emperor of China gave toe dis." Then pointing to his teeth, "De Emperor of Tuscany gave me dese."