Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLIX, Issue 16, 19 January 1895, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Encouraging Temperance.— Colonel (in the orderly room) : 'What is -this man charged with ? Drunkenness, as usual f Provost . Sergeant : ' No, sir, twin' improperly dressed in the street. You know, sir, he's turned hover a noo leaf,, an' giv' hup the tipple ; an' now 'c 'as the cheek to djsfigger his uniform by sewin' a bit 6' blue ribbing on tfte breast hof 'is toonio !' The prisoner is discharged with a caution not to repeat the offence. He doesn't ; he lapses ; he is carried dead drunk to the guard-room an hour or two later. A schoolmistress asked her class to put the nouns boys, bees, ■ and bears into a sen- ! tence. The scholars thought intently for a j few moments, when one ragged youngster, ! with a look of victory on his face, raised ; his hand. ' Well, Johnuy,' said the sohool- ) teacher, ' what is your sentence ?' ' Boys bees bare when they go in swimmin'.' Tbe teacher did not call more of her olass. Just for Spite.— He: 'Who's that man with tße intensely red hair?' 'She— • That's Mr. Narkles, who has made a pot i of money by patenting an infallible hair 1 dye.' He : ' Why does he not use the stuff I personally P It would be an improvement.' ■ She : 'Ec does. That's not the natural colour of his locks. His wife detests red hair, and he dyes that hue jutt to spite ! her !' ! He : ' Oh, yes ; my book is being transi lated into various European languages.' •She: ' Really f Well, 1 1 hope they'll trans- ; late it into English some day.' ! Not Very Legible.— Ethel : ' You take a Hong time to read Mb note, dear'/ Maud 1 (engaged to budding literary youth) : "' OK, he writes suoh a sweetly illegible hand that I can scarcely make out what he means. But he's Buoh a dear, enthusiastio boy that I wouldn't shock bis feeliugs by telling him so. 1 Facetious Friend. — ' Well, have you and your wife* yet settled as to who is to be the ; speaker of the house f 1 Young Husband— 'Not yet. We usually occupy the chair, together.' He Was Used To "It.— Tobboll was an actor, and at breakfast it was observed that he ate none of the lean portion of his' bacon. ' Wh'aVmakes you do that f ' asked a fellow ■ guest. ''It's just this,' .was the reply, .' ever.eince I^got on in the profession I have ■ been acoustomed to a fat part.' At a Country Danoe.— 'Just look at ' these people dancing. Are they not awful f. i 'Is it .the Liverpool .Lurch or .the Sqar^ [ boroujrh Soramble? The Birmingham L Bounce or the Manchester Muddle ?' 'Or , Oheedleton Cuddle V It was in Cheedle- ! ■ ton. ' Not two do the same step. ' And i .not one can keep time.' ' Neither can the band.'- [ Prattle (to his wife) : • You don't seem to t have the courage of your convictions.* ■ Mrs. Prattle : ' I should like to know how i you get at that conclusion ?' Prattle :' • You I day there's no use talking, and' then you ; talk for hours.' " ' i - .She JSad a Reason. — ' That is a curious ," triok F you have got into of sticldng t your , ear-rings into the wall-paper at. night.' i ' There a nothing out of the way in that, r Surely you have heard that walls have ears.' i Reparter : Hier Spricht Man Deutch.— i ' And have you ever had a lover, Eraulein f ' 'Nein.' 'Then make it ten.' ' Can you change this note for me ?' asked a seedy-looking customer of the oashier at a West End bank. ' Certainly,' replied the cashier. And then he took it and stamped across it two or three times the word ' counterfeit'/ in large letters. 'There,' he i observed genially, 'l think I've changed it i for you ! ' But the seedy-looldug man had . fled. i Everything comes to him who waits. But you'll get what you want much sooner by ' going to fetch it yourself/ ; ■ I One of- the Bwazis while in London the ether day, on being shown a game of foot- | ball, asked with some curiosity : ' What is j 1 that thing worth that they are fighting for i ia fiercely ?' He referred tothe ball, of course, and ond on being told it was only . valued at seven-and sixpence or so,' he • muttered contemptuously, • What fools ! ' Likely.— ' Arry : ' 'Ere", I say, I like that, i I do. Pott Boyle painted. by .'isself, an* 'im ' "wif TiSth' 'ia'ands %" 'is pockets. , - ■ , -j '-■ r ■•■»*