Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLVIII, Issue 54, 1 September 1894, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Sweet are the Uses of Advertisement. — Secretary of Commercial Club : "Really, Mr. Tallowick, unless you pay up your subscription boon I shall be compelled to put your name upon the board." Mr. fallowiek (with true commercial instinct) : "My dear sir, that is a capital idea — a splendid advertisement ! Put it up at once, and if you'll keep it there I'll pay the subscription with pleasure." Homes for Animals : — For dogs—Kennelworth. For horse* — Dun-stable or Box Hill. For cats — Parr-fleet. For parrots — Pol-perro. For cattle— Ox - ford. For babies— Baby- lon. Ending 1 in Smoke. — Master (engaging 1 a valet): "Well, I think that's all. Now, have you anything to ask on your part?" Valet : "Well, if I may make so bold, may I enquire -what tobacco you smoke ?" Master: "I don't smoke." Valet: Oh— I'm sorry for that, sir, very sorry, because then I can't see my way to . Good morning, sir." (Exit precipitately.) "How about the new cook? Does she make your favourite dishes now?" Mrs. Newed: "No, but she breaks a lot of them." " Mrs. Lookout is a great church woman, isn't she ?" " Dear me, yes ; there can't be a new bonnet come into the church without har seeing it." "Do I bore yon?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half inch shaft into a man's arm. "Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I strike you?" A little fellow had been seriously lectured by his mother, and finally sent into the garden to find a switch with which he was to_ be punished. He returned soon, and said, "I couldn't find a switch, mamma, but hero's a stone you can throw at me." Miss Joico: "Yes, Jack and I are to becomo partners for life." Miss Means : "And you will be the senior partner. How nice!" Robbie (in a sober mood) : " Oh, mother, I wish I only had all the money I've spent on sweets." Mamma (proudly^ : "My boy would put it in his savings bank, wouldn't jeP" Robbie (deliberately) :" No, mother, Id buy more sweets." A caller had mentioned that a neighbour had been obliged to shoot his dog because it had grown old and cross. After he had gone, little Edith, who had been very quiet since the dog was spoken of, surprised her mother by asking : ' ' Mamma, when do you I think papa will shoot Aunt Sarah ?" Over the gate of a graveyard in South- •< Tenessee is the following inscripsaSteri. '"> persons allowed to be buried in iioni ">».. except those who live in the this enolosttro > rillage." '• "How could you Magistrate (severely;. „„ le who t bo so mean as fo swindle p. . „ w £ u confidence -you? /^somei^S Tyef y"u'i?eirme chowe how to work them as do «'£"i. «k" said the professor, "Goot musset*.^ class, "good musbeaming kindly on *»» ndt 8 ingreaßeß seek aidts der dichesi,. ,' „ mus l d t h e dot appetite." "I wona. >^ Xasseß nn d a thoughtful girl who wore k i, at jg fao high forehoad, " I wonder if ti. . ne ver reason pianos in boarding-houses are tuned?" "My son," said a tutor of doubtful morality but severe aspect, putting his hand on the boy's shoulder, "Ibolievo Satan has got hold of you." "I believe so, too," was the reply. Doubtful. — Miss Spoonwell: "I fancy he cares for me. Ho called me his dear, delicious, darling angel!" Miss Spight: " Oh, he is nothing if not eccentric, dear." (And Miss Spoonwell appeared a trifle mystified.) It is said that "Love laughs at locksmiths," but it shows the most profound respect for goldsmiths. " I Know a Trick."— Wife : " Poor Laura's husband's just lost £8000 on the Stock Exchange." Hnsband :" Don't tell me. Before you can make jugged hare, you have to have a jug " Wife :" No you don't, dear." Husband: "I mean a hare." Wife : "And not even a hare, dear — at the German restaurants." Six-year-old Johnnie, walking through a cemetery, and seeing the inscription on a tombstone, "Not dead, but sleeping," said : "Well, I know if I was dead I wouldn't tell a story about it." "Yes, sir, ever since he married that wealthy heiress he has led a regular dog's life." " I hope that will be a warning to " "He has, in fact, nothing to do bat eat, drink, sleep, and submit to being caressed." "All the men run after beauty," she said. "I do not think so," he answered ; " if they did you would have a crowd after you all the time." He stayed pretty late, but sbe never once nor looked at the clock. " Do you know Mrs. Ferguson has pneumonia, and is not expected to live ?" "No; how's that?" "Well, she got her feet wet going round to find the cheapest place to buy a pair of goloshes."