Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLVII, Issue 88, 14 April 1894, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

"Mr. Scrapem," said tho hostess to an , amateur violinist at an evening gathering, " you play the violin, doyounot r" "Yes, after a fashion, you know," was the modest reply, "How nice!" murmured half the company. "Did you bring your violin with you?" "No, I did not." "How nice !" murmured the other half of the company, in fervent unison. Not qnite wax i— A joke was once played : tit Madamme Tuaaaud's by. the late Fred j Leslie. Being there with a Jriend one day, Leslie sat down close to a group of figures, j tiad became immobile. He had great command of feature, and eat so rigid that visitors began to look at him, and then search their catalogues. After a time the "figure" moved its head, merely said, ' ' I'm rested now ; let uh go and have some tea!" and, riwiag, walked away, to the •arprue of the group that had gathered to inspect it. Very Disagreeable. — Jack Potto — "Titnrains is one of the most disagreeable fellows to play poker with that I ever met." Bill Bobtail— " Does he always grumble when he loses P" Jack Potts — ' ' He never loses. " He^ — " Of course, my prospects are not the brightest. We shall have a gTeat deal to contend against." She — "Dearest, we •hall have each other !" Heard on the Round Pond. — He — "Do you like the Dutch roll ?" She—" I haven't tried it, but I liko French ones ; also Vienna and Tlovi/i bread." Miss Softly (who has been attending a course of lectures) — " On, Professor, I saw snch a funny old fossil in the museum today! I thought of you at once." Thero are trees in California so tall that it takes two men and a boy to look to the top of them. One of them looks till he gate tired, and the other commences where he left off. Fickle Fortune. — Jack — " Minnie Milyuns refused me lost night." Lucy— "Don't be despondent, Jack. There are just 08 good fish in the sea as ever were caught." Jack—" Yes, but gold fish don't bite every day." Young Wile—" Yea, father always gives nway expensive things when he makes presents/ Husband— "So I discovered when he gave you away." (And then he went to the library to draw a cheque for the monthly millinery bill.) "If I rest I rust " is a German proverb. " If I trust I burst" ia the tradesman's version. Eulalia (sentimentally) — " Oh, no ; I have no desire for great wealth. I Hhould bo very happy as the wife of a noble bread winner." George (practically) — "And I should be happy, very happy, aa the husband of a good breadmaker." She concluded to learn. . Young Arthur, who is forbidden to speak at table, haa had his revenge. At dinner he was very uneasy, and finally said, "Mamma, mayn't I say just one word?" "You know the rule, Arthur." "Not one word?" "No — not one, my dear." At a later stage Arthur was asked what he had wished to say. " Oh, nothing —only Mary put tho custards outside the window to cool, and the cat's been eating > 'em all the while !" On pleasure bent— The bicycle rider. The economuiug of your time coiwistn of the way you spend it — you can't save any. ' ' There is ono good thing about buying a really handsome and expensive dress," suid Mrs. Bunting to Mrs. Larkin'. " What iH that P" " Why, you feel aa though you really ought to buy another not quite so good, to Have your best one." Weather Prophet — "How are the indications to-night?" Assistant— " Mighty uncertain. I hardly know what kind of a report to send out." Weather Prophet — " Nothing easier. Make it ' fine weather, with local rains and thunderstorms.' That's always safe. If it'.s fine, we hit it right ; and if it rains, that's ono of our local storms. See?" A French gentleman was paying his addresses to a young English lady, whose knowledge of hey admirer's tongue was on a par with his acquaintance with hers. One day he came into the drawing-room, in his hurry forgetting to close the door bohind him, ruahed up to the object of his affections, and with outstretched handd and admiring gaze, cried, "Mdllo. Je t'arde !" " Roally !" replied Bhe, indignantly, " shut the door yourself." Mettle-some. — No man knowß how much he can do until his dearest enemy says it positively can't be done. Teaoher. — "Try to remember this: Milton, the poet, was blind. Do you think you can remember it?" "Yes, ma'am." "Now, what was Milton's great misfortune ?" "He waa a pott." At the rate we're going, soon we may expect the reformer to demand that the -week be closed on Sunday. In self- defence. — Mrs. Watta Hername — " Ob, children, yon should never let your angry passions rise—" Youngster (uhiming in) — " He tried to hit me on the noso, and ao I blacked his eye." A rather plain lady asks the opinion of her minister — " Is it a sin to feel a trifle of vauity when I am called handsome by a gentleman?" "Not a sin for you, my child, but a terrible responsibility hangs upon the gentleman." Artistic Wife (to bald husband) — "Let me paint a spider on your head, darling, so that tho flic.-i don't come to trouble you while you are doing your little nap."