Wit and Humour.

Evening Post, Volume XLVI, Issue 19, 22 July 1893, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

L Curious. — Ships are always referred to as ' belonging to the female bex ; even a man- of - J wur is called "she." ■ Hoisted — with his own pct — hard !—! — Painter (before his own picture)— " Take ' my case, for instance—/ am a self-made ' man." She (absently looking at his effort) — "I never much cared for your work, ; Gerald." ' Enthusiastic Angler — "I can't fancy anyone not fond of trout-fishing." Tonder- ' hearted maiden — " Unless it be the trout." "Our new minister," said Mrs. Grant, * "is not a good visitor, is he?" "No," said Mrs. Richards, " I suppose his wife is j a pretty good cook herself." * "My wife," said Squibs proudly, "is , queen of the tea-table ; she nuverreigns but she pours." An experienced sausage-maker stuffs all , tbe chopped flannel in tho middle, so an to , make both ends meat. ; " You haven't another cigar like the mo you gave me the other day, have you ?" * " Yes, here's one." "Thanks, old man! I'm trying to break my boy off smoking." It is well to avoid the use of phrases cap- , able of a double meaning, as the following , will show ; — A lady famed for her skill in r cooking was entertaininganumberof f rieuds at tea. Everything was much admired but the excellence of the sponge cake wiib tho subject of remark "Oh!" exclaimed one ' of the guests, "itis so beautifully soft and light! Do tell me whero you got the ; recipe?" "I'm very glad," replied the . hostess, " that you find it bo soft and light. ' I made it out of my own head." Mary Jane says that she is looking out for a situation in Egypt, there aro such a [ lot of "Fellahs" there. Eggs-actly.— Dreadful boy (to grocer, . who has inadvertently sat in a box of his own eggs) — "Woofs good Bettin' on 'em, guvnor ? They're long purst 'atchin ! Most suitable. Mrs. Joues-Smith — "That ' dear Madame Prodigue is so charmingly f poetical. Sheeallsheriioivdrcasea 'dreams. Mr. Jones-Smith— " A very good name for ' them indeed, for her husband speaks of the \ bills as ' nightmares.' " [ Uady of the house — "During the lost week you have had three different policemen vibiting you. I don't propose to put up with any such conduct." New cook — " It's not my fault. The bill of fare in this house is so poor that no policeman can stand it more than two days. That's why you see a fresh one here almost every day." The following story of a well-known Q.O. is told by "The Cricket," in Hearth and ' Home : Mr. Lock wood, the eminout QC, ' has v fund of quiet humour, which is thu 3 joy of his intimate friends. A short time | ago he and his wife were invited to a dance 1 given by a fashionable hostess, and hup1 pened to enter the room at the same time as 1 a Scotch guest, Mr. M ,of Loch Buio. 9 As is customary with many a laird of high ' degree, Mr. M ,on being asked by the 1 footman for his name, gave Loch Buie and > Mrs. M ." " What name, sir," asked i the functionary of Mr. Lockwood. "Fifty- ■ two Portman Square, and Mrs. Lockwood, ' ' 3 promptly replied the Q.C., with a dignity f equal to thai of •' Loch Buie " himself. ' A lady found her servant burning two ' candles at once, to enable her to do sewing. s The mistress severely scolded her for her ex3 travagance, and made her promise to be i more careful in future. Some time after1 wards the lady again detected her doing } some work with the aid of an extra light. ' She said — "Jane, did you not promise me ' thatyou would notburutwocandfesatonce." T "I did ma'am, and I have kept my word, : for ever since I have cut the candle in two * and have burnt the two halveß together." > She—" I could never marry a man until 1 he had done something heroic." He — "I'll take you at your word, dear. I auk you to " be my wife. Certain stories, even when the same man * continues to repeat, have a tendency to grow 1 like rolling snow-balls. "So our friend 1 Brown went to the top of Mont Blanc ?" ■ " Not at all." "But hesaid so." " True, j Two months ago, when he returned from | Switzerland, he said he had been at the foot ' of Mont Blanc. Since then he has grodu1 ally lied himself to the top " Visitor — " Why, how big you are grow1 ing, Tommy ! If you dou't look out you'll 1 soon be taller than your lather." Tommy i —"Won't that be jolly? Then Pop'l] buve to wear my old pants, cut down for him." BAK WXIXXBIBMS. i "We were thrown together," as the , husband said when his wife and he were ■ thrown out of a hansome cab. -, " Present alms !" as the chaplain told i the Boldiers when he was preaching a , charity sermon. i <■ Rather far-fetched," as the sceptic i observed when he was shown a piece of 1 wood which his informant assured him he i had brought from home the North Pole. "lam financially embarrassed," as the millionaire oxclaimed when he had so much ■ money that he didn't know what to do t with It.