WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XLIII, Issue 90, 16 April 1892, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

" So you manage to put up with 7 our ?artar of a wifo ?" " Oh, yes ; we have ota of fun togethor." "How w that? • Well, you see, my wife, when ahe gets nto a passion, is in the habit of throwing it me anything that comes in her way. Every time ahe hits me, she is pleased ; and ivery time she miasea, I am pleased ; and 10 you see we have lots of fun.'' Young- Mrs. Codling (to her papa) — • Oh, papa, what does the word ' oontract| mean ?' Papa— "It means to make imaller, my dear. For instance, heat expands and cold contracts." Mrs. Codling — « Then it's all right. Harry told me he was contracting some heavy debts, and I was so nervous till you oxplained it.' Firat Turkey — Where do you expect to spend Christmas ? Second Turkey (proudly) — 1 shall be at the baker's for dinner. First Turkey (with a Bneer}— Humph .' I'm to cut an important figure at the Sinner of Mr. D'lamond, the wealthy iewollor. He (highly obnoxious)—" Good evening. You remember me, I hope. She (with assumed cordiality)— Yea, perfectly. lam not one of those girla who nave convenient memories, you know. "You say your husband ia both economical and extravagant. In what way?" "Well, he is economical in bestowing praise and extravagant in giving advice." Things one would rather have expressed differently -.—Aunt Jane—" That makes three weddings in our family within a twelve month ! It will be your turn next, Mathilda." Mathilda— "Oh.no!" Aunt Jano — " Well, the most extraordinary things happen sometimes, you know !" Father— " Johnny, there's a button off your coat. Go upstairs and sew it on." Little Johnny (in surprise)—" Mother will sew it on." Father— "l know she will, but I want you to learn to sew on buttons yourself." Johnny (amazed)— " Why ?" Father (solemnly)— " Some day, Johnny, when you grow up, you won't have any mother— nothing but a wife." A bear attacked a farmer's cabin in the backwoods of Canada. The farmer climbed into the loft, while his wife defended the house with a poker. ' ' Give it him, Nancy* exclaimed the husband. Af tor the boar was killed he camo down from tho loft and said, " Nancy, ain't we brave ?" Stranger (brightly). -" Fine day!" Chronic grumbler- " Ye-es-locally-probably raining somewhere !" A certain M.P. said once to a leading politician, " I shall support you whenever I think you are right. " " That ia no satisfaction," retorted the leading politician, with a twinkle in his eye ; " anybody may support me whon lam right. What I want is a man that will support me when I am wrong !" . . Freddie's sister has been studying telegraphy, and tho other evening the lad went to bis mother and said, "Mother, there must be lots of bad things hi that book Lizzie is reading." "Why, child, what makes you say that ?" "It is pretty noar all dashes." Blinks (during heavy rain)— "Did you go and ask Mr. Jinks for that umbrella I lent him last night ?' ' Office Boy— ' ' Yea, sir ; he Bays he ia very sorry, but the umbrella is still wet, and he wouldn't like to return it in that condition. He says he will carry it home to-night and dry it by the fire." Tom — "Did you send that poem you wrote to your sweetheart ?" Jack — " Yea, but I shall never write any more." Tom— "Why not?" Jack— "When I called next evening after sending the poem, almost the first thing she said was, ' Oh, Jack, I want to show you some doggerel that some fool sent me." Customer (to baker's boy)— "ls your bread nice and light ?' ' Baker's boy (confidentially)—" Yes, mam; it only weighs ten ounces to the pound." " Doctor, I came to see about my brother. " " What "iB the matter with him?" " One of his legs is shorter than the other, and he limps. Now, what would you do in a case of that kind ?" "I am afraid I should limp, too." Silly goat:— Wh"en is a she-goat not to be relied upon ?— Why, when she's kidding, stupid ! "That was a wonderfully clever speech that your huaband just made ; and he tells me it was entirely impromptu," said Bullfinch. "Oh, yes, quite so," replied Mrs. Wooden. "It is marvellous that he could do ao well when he looks so tired." "Well, I should think that he might look tired. He sat up all night thinking what he'd to say !» O'Kelly— "ls it breaking yer long neck yer nfther in the dark?" Dolan— " Sure, an' Oi can't foind the matches." O'Kelly « Then strike a loight and luk for thim, like a Bensible.person.". . — "■HHyßne can see with half an eye, remarked the potato to the plum pudding, "that you have got an awfully swelled hoad." " Oh, rot !" rejoined the Autocrat of the Christmas Table, "you're tho unfortunate fellow who's always getting famines up ; but I bring only joy to mankind." First Irishman— Pore Flanagan has jiat been drowned. Second Irishman — He's a lucky bhoy. Oi always thought he'd be hanged. Chicago man (to stranger) — How are you ? Nice day to-day. Where do you hail from? Stranger (German Prince)— Sir, Ido not hail ; I reign. One of the bridesmaids at a fashionable wedding was aoftly crying during the ceremony, and her escort, nudging her, whispered, ' ' What are you crying for ? It isn't your wedding." " Perhaps that's why lam crying, ' ' she said. " Papa, why do we wish people a ' good appetite,' and not a good thirat?'" " Because that isn't necessary." " I have just been reading an interesting story of two men who were lost in the Adirondacka while hunting," said the beautiful Mias Kiokens. " Were you ever lost, Mr. Tubbs ?" "Once." "When?" " When I firat Baw you I was lost in admiration, and I may add that I have not since been found." The only people who keep diaries for any length of time are those who keep them for sale. An Irish labourer working at a building, wrote home to his friends telling them he was having a glorious time of it, constant work, nothing to do all day but run up and down the ladder with bricks ; the man at the top did all the work. Brown— Why don't you spread your umbrella ? Coles— Well, to tell you the truth, I'm afraid someone in tbe crowd will recognise it. Brown — Then, why do you carry it ? Coles— Afraid someone will call for it when I am out. A bookbinder said to his wife at their wedding, " It seems that now we are bound together, two volumes in one, with clasps." " Yes," observed one of the guests. " One side highly ornamental turkey morocco, and the other plain calf." An excellent story ia told of a Britiah aoldier in Egjyt. His colonel, observing him one morning wending his way to camp with a fine Egyptian rooster in his arms, halted him to know if he had been stealing obiokens.