WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XLIII, Issue 61, 12 March 1892, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

" I hope, sir, you will assist a poor man whose house and everything that was in it, including my fumily, sir, was burned two months ago last Thursday, air." The merchant to whom this appeal was addressed, whilst very philanthropic, is also very cautious, so he asked, " Have you any papers or certificate to ahow that you lost anything by the fire ?" "I did have a certificate, sir, signed before a notary public to that effect, but it was burned up, sir, in the house with my family and the rest of my effects." The tears ran out of the merchant's eyes from laughing, as he handed over twopence. He was a candidate for Parliament and a limb of the law. Whilst canvassing he was treated to the following : — Mr. Candidate (knocking at the door, where the wife appears) — " Xa your husband in f" "Wife — "No, sir; but I know what you want. My husband is' sure to vote for you, because you got him off for stealing that gun." Candidate — " No, no ; alleged stealing of the gun." Wife— "Alleged be bothered! We'vo got the gun in the house now." She — I would still love you if you asked me to live in a cot. He — How about a flat?— She (sighing) — Even love has ite limitations. Wife — Why is it that dudes wear only one glass, dearest ? Husband— You seem to forget that they have to have one eye to see with. Tailor — How wide a collar shall I put on your overcoat, sir ? Customer — Make it so wido that when I pass you in the street I can turn it up so you won't recognise me. Comedian — I've bad news for you, old man; our leading lady, your wife, has eloped with the billposter. Manager— Horrible ! How are we ever to get that next town billed P A woman in Philadelphia broke her arm trying to soratch her back. She was no relation to the woman who broke her jaw in trying to hold her tongue. Druggist— You might have charged that yOUngf wion 10 aKUlizigrs for- -filling- that; prescription. Why did you put the price at 2s 6d ? Clerk— He understands Latin. She— The trouble is that I can never pitch my voice right. He— Why don'tyou pitch it out of the window, then P She — What good would that do ? He— lt might get the air, at least. Sweets for all sorts. — For the rioh, oachous and hundreds and thousands ; for the drunkard, brandy-balls and liquorice ; for tho hot tempered, pepper-mint; for the doctor, mixed drops; for the pugilist, cocoanut chips ; tor the veterinary surgeon, colts-foot rook ; for the policeman, bull's eyes. Qne of the Plymouth Brethren was asked why they never spoke of the Plymouth sisters. " Oh," was the answer, " the Brethren embrace the sisters." De Peyster (they had been conversing on art topics)—" Are you fond of majolica, Mrs. Parvenu £" Mrs. Parvenu (who has made several bad mistakes since her entrance into society, and is on her guard)—" Weller — that depends entirely on how it is cooked." "Robert, dear, how do you suppose those dozens and dozens of empty bottles ever got into the cellar?" "Why, I don't know, my dear. I never bought an empty bottle in my life." Professor — "This eccentricity you speak of in your daughter, isn't ft, after all, a matter of heredity ?' ' The mother (severely) —"No, sir! I'd have you to know, sir, there was never any heredity in our family !" "This, ladies and gentlemen, is the celebrated triok mule ' Dot,' " said the clown as the boast was being led into the ring. "After many years of effort, I am able to say^l oan make him do anything he wants '" Well, of all the— '»— Dossett— " Do you know your dogs have eaten a pound of my butter, Master Sara ?" Mr. Samuel— " Oh ! Was it salt or fresh butter, Dossett?" Dossett-" Fresh." Samuel— "Oh, that won't hurt 'em. 'Morning, Dossett." Bob— " How do you stand with your employer so well, T,om ; you never laugh at his jokes ?" Tom—" No ; but I dine at bis restaurant, and, pretending not to sco j him, I retell, all his stories, saying loudly, ' I cant tell it as well as he can, but here's a ! rattling good yarn Mr. D. told us this morning.' I've been promoted three times this year." "I had t° be away from school yesterday, said Tommy. "You must bring an excuse, "said the teacher "Who from ?' ' " Your father." "He ain't no good good at making exouses ; ma catchf s bjm. every Experienced traveller (at railway restaurant) " When did that man at the other table give his order?" Waiter— "About ton minutes ago, sah." "What did he order? "Beefsteak and fixin's, sah." How much did he fee you ?" " Quarter sah." Weir, here's haft a dollar. Cook him another steak and bring me his" "Yes, sah." Customer— You didn't leave any ice here yesterday. Iceman - Yes, I did. Didn't you notice a small damp spot on the side walk? Customer— Yes. Iceman-Well, that was your ioe. It melted before I could get into the house. Pew-renter— "l -want to tell) you, Dr Hornblower, how much I liked 1 your sermon on brotherly love yesterday morning Ifc was powerful, and right to the point " Dr. Bornblower-«I am very glad if you OT^ lfc v ,/^enter-" Enjoyed it ! Well, I should say I did. There are a lot of people in th*t church that I hate like poison, and yon, simply gave them fits" Traveller - "Can I f.f.find my way through these woods?" Resident --"Not if it is true that the man who h-h-hesitates is lost* The beautiful Mrs. Norton one day went to buy some faster oasts for her neice to use as models hi drawing. The proprietor ol the shop displayed a large collection of hands, arms, and ears, and finally held up a yery symmetrical nose. ' ' There, ma'am " said he, "I can safely recommend that. It w the Hon. Mrs. Norton's nose, andharjuts do buy a lot of 'cm. It's very popuRather a long sibling this, eir, said tho cabby holding it in hjs outstretched palm. Yes, said the old gentleman, '.'audit's as broad as its long,'* "Talking about literary style, there goes "tT? Ol^ ¥Ws finished sentences." Indeed? Is he a novelist?" "No- ho is an ex-convict." ' "Pa," inquired an up -town boy, "what is a sage?" "Asage, my son," replied tho mrrief ™ 7l ""^ anUUJ w *°»e™ A girl should remain under her mother's wing-especially if sho is a little chic.