WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XLI, Issue 138, 13 June 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

He (desperately)— " Tell me the truth. Is it not my poverty that stands between us ?" She (sadly)— " Y-e-s." Ho (with a ray of hope) — "I admit that lam poor, and so, unfortunately, is my father; but I have an aged uncle, who is very rich, and a batcnelor. He is an invalid and cannot long survive." She (delighted)— " How kind and thoughtful you are ! Will you introduce me to him ?" A—" Are you happier since your second marriage ?" B— "Oh, much happier. Feel much more settled, you know." A — " In your mind ?" B—"B — " Yes, and all other ways. I was never quite clear in my first venture who ran the house, but in this case everything is plain sailing, and no occasion for dispute." A — "She knuckled, eh?" B— " Oh, no. She's master!" Bhe -- (enthusiastically) — " Oh, George! don't you think the greatest joy in life is the pursuit of the good, the true, and the beautiful ?" He— "You bet! That's why I'm here to-night." Francis 1., King of France, was desirous of raising one of the most learned men of his time to the highest dignity of the Church, bo he asked him if ho was of noble descent " Your Majesty," answered the Abbot, " there were three brothers in Noah's Ark, but I cannot tell positively from which of them I was descended." He obtained the post. Mrs. S., having unexpected visitors at dinner, sent to tho nearest pastrycook's for some jam tarts. When the time came, and, they were put on the table, the lady, pretending not to know what was on her own table, asked, " John, what are those tarts?" John, astonished at being questioned, replied in great haste, " Fourpence a-piece. ma am." A Virginian editor, having notified to all correspondents that all communications intended for publication must be accompanied by the full name of the writer, received ono from a lady who signs her full name, to wit — Anna Matilda Sophia Electra Jane Dolly Ann Potter Bell. Little Bessie had been offended in some way. She went off into the corner of the room and turned her back on the company. " I'm mad," she exclaimed, sulicily. " I wish I didn't have any papa or mamma." "That's wrong, dear, 1 ' said her mother. "We are the best friends you have." "Well," said Bessie, still sulking, '• I don't mind having papa. He isn't here much. But I'm gettin' awful tired of the rest of you." Ethel—" When angels come upon earth, mamma, are they in disguise ?" Mamma — " Yes dear. Why do you ask ?" Ethel —'• Because I heard Cousin Frank say to papa this morning that you were an angel ; and papa said perhaps you were, but that you mnst be ono in disguise." M'Corkle — " Jaysmith calls himself a solf-made man-" M'Crackle — "Well, no one who knows him will dispute the assertion." A pretty girl's face value is greatly increased by the possession of a wealthy papa. We are told thnt " a word to the wise is sufficient;" but the Welsh language seems to have more y's to the word than are absolutely necessary. Mrs Brown — "You don't seem tn havo a very high opinion of your husband's ability ?" Mrs Malaprop — " No, he's a very ignorant man. Last night he spoke of persons acting in concert when he should have known that they only sing at Buch entertainments." For a neat mixture of metaphors it is not easy to beat the opening sentence of a recent paragraph in a morning contemporary — " Many are the pitfalls which lie in the path of a man who sits down to make his will." An old Scottish matron was one day sadly complaining of the depravity of modern times. She wound up her diatribe with the assertion that " Paradise was now changed into a pair o' dice, and matrimony into a matter o' money." Love eats axle grease and calls it butter. There is nothing improbable to a jealous woman. He — " I fear lam wearying you with my prosy conversation. You look a little tired." She— "Oh, no, indeed ; I was only thinking how very tired you must be." " Mother, what is an angel 4 ?" "An angel? Well, an angel is a child that flies." " But, mother, why does papa always call my governess an angel ?" " Well," exclaimed the mother, after a moment's pause, " she's going to fly immediately." " You haven't heard anything until you have heard both sides," says a writer. This may be pretty I logic, but the bass drum refutes it. A Scotch boy was one morning at breakfast, when he bawled out, "Oh, mistress, there's a flea running in the milk, and its legs are touching the bottom." The mistress said, " What, Jock do ye no' get eneuch o' milk ?" The boy replied, "0' yes, mistress, plenty for the porridge I get." " Do you know De Yore Browno?" " No." "He told me ho fell in with you at the boat rnce." " Yes, we fell in together, but we didn't Btay in longer than we could help." Friend — " lam surprised that you, a professor of a college of medicine, should countenance the brutal game of football, and allow your students to enter into the sport !" Professor Sawbones — " My dear Bir, it is a most economical thing, and of great benefit to my pupils. They use the victims of football games to practise setting bones and mending broken heads." Irasoible old party. — " Why, you scoundrel, you told me you didn't have a cent. I ju6t saw you take out a sixpence." Tramp—" I know that, sir ; but I don't waut to spend 1 that piece. I carry it for good luck."

A life spent worthily should be' i measured by a nobler line, by deeds , not years. . j Life is of two parts — that which is < paet — a dream ; that which is to come — a wish. \ TIME. Time darks the sky, time brings the day, Time gladens the heart, time puffs all joys away ; Time builds a city, and o'erthrows a nation, Time writes a story of thoir desolation, Time hath a time when I shall be no more, Time makes poor men rich and rich men poor. It is ever to bo noticed that in tho race for precedence some ono must take the dust. Spare not, nor spend too much ; be this thy care — Spare but to spend, and only spend to spare She came to her mother with the question—" Which is the worst, to tell a lie or to steal ?" The mother, taken by surprise, replied that both were bo bad that she couldn't tell which was worse. " Well," said the little one, " I've been thinking about it, and I think it is worne to lie than to steal. If you steal a thing you can take it back, unless you've eaten it. And then you can pay for it But," and there was a look of awe in the little face, " a lie is forever." This is the curse of life, that not A nobler, calmer train Of wiser thoughts and feelings blot Our passions from our brain ; But each day brings its petty dust Our soon-choked souls to fill, And we forget because we must, And not because we will. — Matthew Arnold. There are two reasons why somo people don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't any mind ; tho other that they haven't any business. Bear and forbear is short and good philosophy. Ignorance of the law excuses no one— except the lawyers. He that a watch would wear, just this must doPocket his watch, and watch his pocket too. There are those who never reason on what they should do, but on what they have done. There is nobody 80 poor that ho cannot be kind. Dignity and love were never yet boon companions. There is but one temple in the world, and that is the body of man. Nothing on earth is holier than that high form. We touch heaven when we lay our hands on a human body. — Novalis. If girls wish to get into the very best company there is perhaps not any pleasanter way than is detailed in this beautiful passage from a German poet : — "A flower do but place near thy window glass, Aud through it no imago of evil shnll pass. Abroad must thou go? On thy whito bosom wear A nosegay, a doubt not an angel is there ; Forget not to water, at break of the day, The lilies, and thou shalt be fairer than they; Place a rose near the bed nightly, sentry to keep, And angels shall rock thee on roses to sleep.' More than talent, more than beauty, more than wealth, something more than wisdom, good manners are the best letters of introduction and the firmest cement of friendship. Honour to him who, self-complete and brave, In scorn, can carve his pathway to the grave, And, heeding naught of what men think or say, Make 1 his own heart his world upon the way. — Lord Lytton. Never confide in a young man. — new pails leak. Never tell your secrets to the aged — old doors seldom shut closely. Wo can give advice, but we cannot give conduct. — Duke de la Rochefoucauld. Take time to deliberate ; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. There is no remorso so deep as that which is unavailiug. If we would be spared its pains, let us remember this in tiuio. Heine's rich banker uncle used to say, '"If the fool of a boy had loarned something, he would never havo had auy need to write books." Spend youv timo in nothing which you know must bo repentod of.