WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XXXVI, Issue 90, 13 October 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Miss Clara — " I made such a blunder to-day, Ethel." Miss Ethel— " ¥es V Miss Clara — " Yes ; I went into a drug store and told the young gentleman bebiod the counter that I wanted a good spouge bath ; I meant, of course, a good, bath sponge. It was very annoying." Over an inn in Ireland bung a sign entitled the Four Alls. It represented a king with his robes and sceptre, a bishop with his mitie, b warrior with his sword, and a poor man kneeling in his rags.- The king is saying, "I rule all;'' the soldier says, " I fight for all ; " the bishop says, " I pray for all ; " and the poor man says, " An' I pay for all." Scene, Ciystal Palace. Yankee visitor, addressing a policeman on duty — " I calculate, stranger, that if they keep you much longer under this glass roof you'll be in a fair way of sprouting." Bobby, despondingly "No fear of that gnv'nor; they don't keep mo moist enough !" When a clergyman remarked that there would be a nave in the new church the society was bnilding, an old lady whispered that she "knew the party to whom he referred." Edinond Burke one evening in "snuffinj; the caudte, was awkward enough to snuff' it out. " Ah," said he, " I fall under the sentence of Horace — ' Brevis ease laboro, obscurus fio.'" Please, ma'am, can you help a poor man who is out of work V li I ( daresay I car; find something for yo to do." " Thanks. If you cou. give me some washing to do, I'll ta' it home to my wife." Ample grounds for complaint ■ finding the gioands of your coffee i consist of nothing but chicory. " f "Throw up your situation?",' "Certainly, I am about to marry."

" Do you propose to live on love V* " No, on my love's father." The best thing to do when you catch a cold is to let go of it. The man who rang the bell to give an alarm of fire when there was noue tolled a lie. " Riches take unto themselves wings and fly away," said the teacher. " What kind of riches is meant !" And the smart, bad boy at the foot of the class said he " reckoned they must be ostriches." And tho -only Bound that broke the ensuing silence was the sound a real smart bad boy makes when, without saying so in just so many words, he seeks to convey — and usually does convey — the impression that he is in great pain. Friend (to candidate) — "Did you see your picture in this moning's paper 1" Candidate (horrified) — " What that thing me? Why, 1 cut it out and sent it to the comic weekly as ' the missing link.' Heavens and earth ! Why didn't I stop to read that printed matter 1 " You may hide your thoughts, conceal your mind and disguise your actions, but the smell of a raw onion will rise in its might and inform a sneering world how you have gathered it to your inner man. There is one streak of consolation in marrying a girl with a squint. You never need to fear her daring you to look her square in the face when you are explaining how it happens that you are late from your club. When a ship " lays to," it is because she is eggs-hausted.