WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume XXXIV, Issue 68, 17 September 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A good pastor, a widower, proposed to a young lady a short time since, but was rejected. His feelings had a second severe test when a widow neighbour sent him the following text to preach from : ' ' You ask and receive not, because you ask a miss. When is a scarf-pin like a ship at sea ? When it is on the bosom of a heavy swell. An old gentleman, having been invited by an acquaintance to go out and see his country seat, went, and found it to be a stump in a large meadow. "He 'knows on which Bide his bread is buttered," is now rendered, " He is aware of what portion of the staff of life the oleaginous product of the dairy is dispersed." Mock Turtle denned by a victim — Calling a husband "My dear!" in public, and "You brute!" in private. Old gentleman of ninety-two to yenerable lady, six months his junior: "Ah! my dear madam, we are no longer young ! " Old lady, highly offended: "Speak for your--self, sir ! " In one of the largest Scottish board schools a boy was sent by a junior mistress to the head-master for punishment. The lad came crying and rubbing his eyes, and was asked by the master what he had been sent to him for. "Telling a lee," said the boy. The master, to improve the occasion, asked him if he knew where all liars went to. ' ' Yes, " said the half-crying culprit. " Please sir, they gang to the headmaster." Ticket Collector : " You don't expect those boya to travel with one ticket ? " Fond Mother: "Of course I do. They are twins. " Come here, my little Eddy, said a gentleman to a youngster seven years of age, while sitting in a room whore a large company were assembled, "do you know me? " "Yes, sir, I think I do." "Who am 1 then ? Let me hear." " You are the man who kissed Angeline last night in the drawing-room." '

Here is a bit of conscious rustic J wit. John Mann had been sent by his shrewish wife to market to sell the pig. On the way he got drunk, the pig strayed, and never turned up again. A few weeks afterwards John was asked if he had " heard anything of the pig, yet." " 'Eard of "im," he said — "'card of 'mi? Ou, ay, I 'ears of 'im most days ! " Suspicious Tailor : ' There, just stand in that position, please, and look straight at that notice while I take your measure." Customer reads the notice : "Terms cash." Somp years ago a doctor visited a sick child. His instructions were that she was to get a plaster on her chest, when the child started up and said, " They have all got a chest but me ; I have only a ' banbox.' " " You are picturing rather a gloomy future for me, madame," he said to the fortune-teller. "Yes, sir," she replied; "but it is the best I can do for half-a-crown." "How hideous Miss Blakely looked in that new bonnet." " I thought it was very becoming ; at least the trimming was very appropriate." ' ' I didn't notice the trimming." " The bonnet was trimmed with ivy leaves. Ivy is very appropriate ; it only clings to old ruins." There was a feud between the four-year-old young lady and her aunt, which came at last to declared hostilities. But the little lady knelt down at night and said her prayers — " Blobs papa, and bless mamma, and " — there came an ominous pause — ", bless auntie; but if you can't bless her it doesn't matter." A well-known colonial judge, who is an Irishman, recently told a witness, who was somewhat verbose in his answers, to "hold his tongue and give his evidence clearly." "I suppose that was your wife who was in here while you were in town?" queried a new clerk in a Grand Eiver Avenue grocery to the proprietor as he entered. " I don't know. What did she say ? " " Nothing." " What did she do ? " "Emptied the contents of both money drawers into her pockets and walked off as cool as January." " Yes, I suppose it was her, James. I thought she might turn up, and that's why I left only 40 cents in change in the store." " Alcohol will clean silver." Yes alcohol, well stuck to, will clean out all the silver you have. People call it " putting up " at an hotel because there is so much that they have to put up with. " In the sentence, ' John strikes William,' " asked a school teacher in a manufacturing town, " what is the object of 'strike?'" "Higher wages and shorter time," promptly replied an intelligent pupil.