JOTTINGS.

Evening Post, Volume XVII, Issue XVII, 24 May 1879, Page 1

JOTTINGS.

The compositor who made It read, "In the midst of life we are in debt," wasn't much out of the way. A wife can always make home attractive to her husband by hiring a pretty chambermaid. There is a man in Tennessee with such big feet that if he gets them wet in Docamber he doesn't have a cold in his head until February. Said the little pet of the household, on her birthday : " It's lovely doll I dear grandma and grandpa. But— but— l'd been hoping it would be twins 1" An inveterate old bachelor says that ships are called "she" because they always keep men on the look-out. Why is a doctor better taken care of than his patients ? — Because, when he goes to bed, somebjby is sure to rap him up. " Eternity, past and future, Hashed before my eyes," he said, " and I saw where the crack of doom began and ended." This was his experience the first time a base ball struok him in the stomach. "Are you in love, Mary?" "Yes, mother." "How much?" "Well, I don't know exactly, but I should think about five feet or thereabouts, for I feel all overish. " One of the young men belonging to a choir had his hair cut by a generous barber on Saturday. Sunday he sane a solo, "Cover my defenceless hetdl ' and blushed like a lobster while doing it. "No," said the smart boy-baby, when the pretty young woman wanted to kiss him. "But why not?" asked she. «O, I am too little to kiss you ; papa will kiss you ; papa kisse3 all the big girl*." He was permitted to play with his toes. A Yankee photographer presented a revolver at the head of a gentleman who was sitting for his photograph, with the cheering remark: "My reputation as an artist ia at stake. If you don't look smiling, I'll ' blow your brains out." He smiled. A tradesman recently told* a youth in his shop to write in large letters on a sheet of paper, " Wanted, a stout lad as light porter." The young scapegrace, either from ignorance or design, wrote, "Wanted, a stout lad as likeß porter." " What is the matter, Juila, you look as sorrowful as a sick lapdog?" "O, don't perplex me, that's a dear 1 my grief is too great for ntteranoe. I've had such an awful vision I I aotually dreamed that Ro3a Smith had ' got a - new silk ■ dress !" ' ' ! . Tuß Detroit IW Press declares that a Delaware man thrashed his wife almost to death because their baby didn't get a prize at a baby show, and then offered to trade the baby for a pig. The authority of the Press, however, in such matters is not first-class. A boy, five years of age, having stolen a oaa of milk, his mothor took h|m to task with moral suasion* and Wound ip her dis. course by exclaiming : " What in the world were you going to do with tbj milk ' anyhow-?." . "I wai going to fteal** { little dog to drink it," was the oruibing a reply. The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding 'his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following hits took place :—": — " I fear, Charles, you lose a great deal of time with this fiddling ? " " Sir, I endeavour to keep time." " You mea*, rather, to kill time ?" " No, I only beat time." Broad Statements. — A certain breadth of statements is permissible in one who sees through magnifying drops of grief, but the man must nave had a previous habit of conscious exaggeration who relate 'that, when his powder-mill blew 9p, the mortgage on It came down uninjured in^a cornfield, and had to be paid, while the insurance, falling into the -tea, wae lost. A Talent for Teaching. — Lady (to French Goveraew}-: I am shocked to find that my daughter has been receiving letters in French: from a young man. Qoverneis : Pardon, madame. It is only my little ruse to cheat mam'selle into study. When she would reply to "an unknown! lover— a Frenchman-4-mon Dieu, how quickly she will learn my language ! , At Banchory lately, the parish sohoolf' ; master, from mere curiosity, put thW question to the scholars,. "What it", nothing?" A pause ensued, i until ait urchin, whose proclivities for turning a penny were well known among bis schaoL. fellows, got up and replied, "It's when k - man asks you to hold his horse and jo^t says thank you." The answer h»j sinof „ earned considerable notoriety ■ for thflr* youngster. v " Can you tell me whejj Washington* Monument is?" asked a rural rientleraasi in Charles-street, Baltimore, {/he other* day. " Just lift your eyes off the;grounoV\ said the person addressed, Yather tartlj** . " and you'll see it." " Wei), I hey lifted ' my eyes," Baid the rural party, looking . his informant calmly in the faceL "an' \L don't see nuthin' but a darned old fool." t "Beware of enthusiasm," said Talley^i rand. During the' furore that; Trebefii' raised in Berlin, some enthusiastic young ' lady admirer knelt down and kissed one of the boxes in a mass of luggage labelled >, ' Trebelli, ' belonging to the party," « Obi ' my dear young lady," cried the baritone 1 of the troupe, running up to her, "thai i box is not of Madame Trebelli — that is my ' ? ' thing* vot go to the vashvoman'a 1 " He was praising her beautiful hair, and begging for one tiny curl, when her little brother said, "O, my ! 'taiut nothin' now. You just ought to have seen how long it hangs down when she hangs it on the aide of the table to comb it." Then they laughed, and she called her brother a cute little angel, and when the young man was going away and heard that boy yelling he thought the lad was taken suddenly and dangerously ill. Mr. Byron (says the Theatre) was inveigled to an amateur performance of " London Assurance" a fortnight ago. The Sir Harcourt — after the performance — singled out Mr. Byron, «nd ia a thoroughly self-satisfied way enquired of him, " Well, and what did you think our 'London Assurance' like? Instead of the flattering compliments he evidently thought due, this was the reply Sir Harcourt received — " What did I think your London assurance like ? Why, like your cockney cheek !" In a school, the teacher of which rather prided himself upon his skill in imparting to his pupils a correct knowledge of spelling, upon a certain examination day, when the trustees aud parents were in attendance to hear the exercises, the whole school was put through a course of spelling. The word "Aaron" wai given out by a visitor. After numerous comical attempts to spell it, it was correctly rendered by a little girl, who shouted out, "Big A, little a-r-o-n— Aaron." For a few minutes all went gaily as a marriagebell, every word being spelt correctly. At last some one gave out the word " Gallery." This was rather a "poser," being out of the regular track of words spelt in the classes. Many unsuccessful attempts having been made, by-and-by a rough urchin, whose eyes fairly twinkled with the expected triumph, spoke out in demy- ■ ringing accents, mindful of the previous victor, "Big GaL little gal-e-r-y—Gal-lery !" This effort closed the exercises in spelling.