A COLLECTION OF REPARTEE. A COLLECTION OF REPARTEE.

Dunstan Times, Issue 3134, 11 September 1922, Page 2

A COLLECTION OF REPARTEE.

A COLLECTION OF REPARTEE.

(From an article by Sir Edward Sullivan in the Nineteenth Gentry). Examples of witty repartees are furnished in large numbers by courts of law, whether lngh or low, some of the best being reported from the legal domain in Ireland. It was there, for instance, that a certain Judge of the High Court in bygone days refused to entertain an application for the adjournment of a case over Good Friday. "Cerlaintly not, Mr Blank. The better the day the better the deed," said his Lordship, thinking be had disposed of Ihe matter. "Well, my Lord," replied counsel, "all I can say is that you'll be ihe first Judge to sit on Good Friday since the time of Pontius Pilate." Two farmers in the West of Ireland 1 had a dispute over some land. The case came into the High Court. The presiding Judge tried to throw oil on the troubled waters, and addressing the plaintiff when in the witness box, lie said: "This i.s a trivial ease. Why not settle it :' Von men have got to be neighbors all your lives. Now, I suppose that, apart' from this trespass, you consider the defendant a very decent inanr" The plaintiff scratched his head and hesitatingly said: "Well, lie is. sir, but he sometimes gets as drunk as a Judge." "You mean as drunk as a lord." remarked the President of the Court. "Yes, my Lord." was the unlocked for answer. John Plnlpot Cumin, a member of I he old Irish House of Commons, a distinguished barrister, and afterward .Master of the Rolls, lias been called "the high priest of repartee." and so incisive wore his witticisms in this dereelion that he was feared and respected bv both Judge and witness. One of the Irish Judges, Fitzgibbon by name, never attempted to hide lus detestation of Curran, and took many opportunities of displaying it. Now, this particular Judge had a mastiff dog that had been trained to sit beside him in Court, and on a certain day, when Curran was arguing a case of considerable importance, his Lordship gave every appearance of not attending to what was being said. and. as it were to accentuate his contempt, be turned to the dog and audibly addressed some remarks to him. Curran at once stopped. "{Jo on. sir," said the Judge. "I beg your pardon," answered Curran. "I thoght your Lordships were in consultation.' 1 At a later period, when tins same Judge had become Lord Chancellor. Cturran was arguing before him, when he was interrupted in one of his arguments by this cutting remark: "Mr Curran, if that is law, I may burn my law books." "Oil. no, my Lord.'' replied Curran: "hotter read them." On another occasion a vain and somewhat pompous barrister, the disarrangement of whose headgear had caused some merriment in Court, addressed the wit: "Do you see anything ridiculous in my wig, Curran?" "Nothing except your head, sir," was the response. 'there is. however, one instance where Curran was absolutely knocked out. in the very kind of contest in which he had himself scored so many triumphs. During an angry debate in the College Green Parliament' House Curran exclaimed in a tone of loft pride: "I am the guardian of my own honor." But Sir Boyle Roche, with the rapidity of lightning, retorted: "I thought the right honorable gentleman didn't believe in sinecures." Before leaving Curran and going on to other exponents of the artless art I may perhaps mention one very characteristic touch of his on an occasion when he was asked to contribute a trifle to pay for the funeral expenses of an impoverished attorney who had just died. "How much do you want?" lie said. 'Ten shillings." they answered. "What!" said Curran. "bury an attorney for ten .shillings? Here's a sovereign ; bury two." In somewhat similar circumstances, at a later day. Douglas Jerrold was appealed to h,v a friend on behalf of another. "Three and two noughts would put him on his feet again." said the friend. "Put me down for one of the noughts." replied the wit. Perhaps one of the most deadly replies ever made to an impertinent observation was the following:- About the end of the 18th century John Partons was travelling by coach in the company of Lord Norbury, then popularly known as "the hanging judge." and happening to pass a gihhet Norbury. with a chuckle, said to his fellow traveller: "Parsons, where would von he now if that gallows had its due '' "Riding alone, my Lord." was the well deserved rejoinder. There are many examples of repartee in connection with the clerical world. ;, selection from which is given here. .' ardinal Vaughan and Dr Adler, the vU'rl' Jewish rabbi, wvro next to each othi r at a luncheon. "Now Dr Adler." -aid the Cardinal, "when may \ have the pleasure of helping you i<> stain.' bain?" The rabbi repiirtl' without a pause: "At your Eminence's wedding." A reply that for appropriate neatness would be hard to improve open. There was unite a delightful reply once made by Dr Potter. Bishop of NewYork, when asked by a lady how it wan that 'ii pictures and statue.-, the angel-! arc always represented as women or young men without beards or mousI aches': "Fveryone know- thai women naturally inherit the kingdom of heaven, but the men only get in by a very close shave." A vistor to St. Albans on one oc-ca-ion complained thai, though he liked the service, he objected to "the stink of the incense." "I am sorry, my friend." said Father' Stanton very gravely. "Why?" i.skod the stranger. '"Well, you see." replied the clergyman, "there are ou.lv two stinks in the next world intense and brimstone—and you will have to choose between them." Famous among the humorists of the neighborhood of Dublin in the last thirty oi forty year.- of the last century was Father James Hcaly. parish priest of Little Bray. No account of quick and witty i.n-swers could pretend to ho complete without including at least a few of his. He was- a.lwayts a high lavorite at (he vice-regal lodge, often in company with an old friend of his I t:rd Justice Barry of the Irish Bench (In one neea-sion at a Christmas luncheon party, when the Londondcrrys w • 're in office, the conversation turned on the decorations of the season, and tic Marchioness, thinking to put a i o-er to his reverence, said across the table: "Father Mealy. I wonder if yen or I ord Justice Barry ever did such ih'ng as ki-- anyone under the inistloloe?" "Oh. no. your Excellency." answered the wil. "Whenever the Lord Justice or myself did anything in that line it was under the rose." A( a dinner parts in Dublin, when the ladies had left the dining room, his friend Lord Justice Barry found bimM'l!' sitting next to the nadre and remarked to him: "| -ay. Father James, r ii<i you ever see a woman quite as th collet* as the lady who was opposite to ven : ,t dinner " Never." said the padre, "since I wa- weaned." There is an excellent storv told in connection with the famous and eloquent William Magce Archbishop of Virk. He made a habit of entertaining "i a small way at tea or other light repast such young aspirants for holv orders as- had approached the closing stage of their novitiate, using the opportunity for the purpose of admonishing them oil some particular portion

of their future duties and responsibilities. On a certain occasion sonic five young men were hi.s guests, among whom there was one Irishman. The host questioned them as to their knowledge of the spiritual comforts to bo administered to the sick and dying, of the manner in which such distressing cases should be dealt with, and so forth; and then, satisfied with their theoretical conception of such matters, he announced to them that he would te.st their capabilities in a really practical way. He would retire to the next room, he said, and lie down on a sofa, representing for the time being the tick or dying individual whom they might be called upon to visit in the life that- was before them. They should come in, he said, one at a time, and treat him exactly as if he was a parishioner of their own part of the country, with whose ways and manners of life they would be familiar. With much perturbation the first four approached the awesome task. They were still trembling when, they rejoined their coitirades and showing signs of having had but little success during the ordeal. The Irishman's turn then canicand it was the Bishop himself who revealed the scene that followed. He entered the room boldly, stood a moment inside the door, and then, turning with a look of severity and disappointment to the prostrate form, exclaimed: "Well, William, drunk again! What are we to do with you at all, at till?" This was the last occasion on which the practical test was applied.