FUN AND FANCY.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2676, 28 July 1913, Page 8

FUN AND FANCY.

Owens: How do you do, Mr Shears? What can you show me in the way of a new suit to-day? His Tailor: Your bill, sir. This is decidedly in the way of a new suit. Wife of a Dernier Cri Artist: Poor Edgar, lie’s one hundred years ahead of Jiis time. Landlord: 1 can’t help that —he’s three months behind in his rent. . A child who had been taught that Socrates had a wife who was unpleasant to him, and that the great pniiosopher drank hemlock, when asked the cause of his death, replied; “Socrates ' died from an overdose of wedlock.” Old Salt: Yes, mum, them’s men-o’-war. Sweet Young Thing; How interesting; and what are tne little ones just ill front? Old Salt: Oh, them’s just tugs, mum. Sweet Young Thing; t)h, yes, of course; tugs-of-war. Eve heard ot them. Mr Harnutt: I admit, sir, that my life has not been what it should be, but i truly and unselfishly love your daughter, and if ever i give her a moment’s pain 1 hope i ll be made to suffer torture for ft. Old Oeiftleman (.warningly): Oh, you will! lou don’t know her. “We are too prone to put the guinea before the man,” remarked the taproom socialist.' “Well, we have the satisfaction of knowing that it won’t stay there long,” replied the practical individual.” “Where have you been, Mary Ann?” “I've been to the Oiri’ improvement Class, ma’am,” was the maid s reply. •• w efl, and what did the curate say to you ? Lid. you tell him who your mistress was?” “Please, ma'am, he said i wasn’t to give i intended, hut that i was to consider you as my Durden —and bear it. Philanthropic Uhl Lady; But 1 gave you sixpence yesterday on condition that you were not to spend it in drink, and r can distinctly smell liquor on you. Dreary Dan: Lady, i am a victim of cruel circumstances, i found a hottio containin' wot appeared ter me to be worter. Wot was my 'error, lady, to laid, aider driukm’ of it ail, that i,t were whisky! “What is it wound up on that cart?” asked tlie old lady visiting the hre house. “firemen's hose,” was tne answer. “Excuse me,” sue said indignantly, “you cant' tell me tnat any nremaii or anyone else ever had legs to lit those things.” A on holiday entered a hrst-class restaurant and ordered a cliop. After some delay, the waiter returned with a chop or microscopical proportions, “i ordered a chop, sai d the Scotsman, “les, sir; there it is,” said tile waiter, “bo it is,” said the Scotsman, peering at it closely. “i thoclit it was a crack in the plate.” j. wo doctors met for the hrst time at a reception. Both were famous, tnough each adopted a different system of treatment. Said the one, loftily, as he shook the other by the hand, “1 am - glad to meet you as a gentleman, sir, tnough i can't admit that you are a physician.” “And 1,” said the other smiling faintly, “am glad to meet you as a physician, though 1 can’t admit that you are a gentleman.” A bass drummer was needed in the brass band of the police department, and a young Irishman, new on the force, applied for the vacancy. “But,” said the musical director after the examination, “how can you play in the band? You have absolutely no knowledge of music.” ’ ‘‘faith, an’ 1 may not know a divvle ov a lot about music, sor,” replied the applicant, “but v (Ji can tell yen how many bars there arc in a beat.” There had been a fatal accident at the railroad crossing in a httie town, and the Coroner, a pompous old iellow, who magnified conscientiously both his office and its incumbent, had empanelled a jury for the inquest. Tnere was only one witness or the accident, an illiterate Slav from the coal mines, who could understand no English. With him the Coroner began to struggle. “Can you speak Herman?” he asked. The man shook his head. “‘Can you speak Italian?” continued the official. Again the man snook his head. ‘‘Can you speak Hungarian ?” The same response. “Can you speak Russian?” finally asked the Coroner. Again the man shook his head. ‘‘lt’s no use, gentlemen,” said the Coroner, turning to the jury. ‘‘We can’t proceed with the case. I’ve spoken to this man in five different languages, and can’t make him understand me.”