THE CORRECT DIAGNOSIS.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2488, 5 July 1909, Page 3

THE CORRECT DIAGNOSIS.

Poet :“ Can you tell me the cause of these pains I have in the leg's ?” Doctor: “ May I ask where you live ?” Poet: "In an attic room, sir." Doctor: " Then the pains are room attic, five dollars, please."—New York Sun.

A SMOKE CONSUMER. A gentleman whose lungs are not strong enough for him to enjoy the fumes of tobacco after a dinner party, lately took with him ‘o a friend’s house a little lamp, which he placed on the table when the cigars were lighted. Over the flame of this little lamp was a of platinum, which, growing red hot in a very few seconds, consumed the smoke oi a dozen cigars as fast as it was made, so that the atmosphere cf the room was as clear as it would have been had there been no smoking going on at all.

STUPENDOUS CONCEIT. A celebrated man not long since received a just rebuke. A lecturer stated that the aforesaid celebrated man knew how to make a most excellent cup of coffee. A respectable minister wrote to him asking for the receipt. His request was granted, but at the bottom of the letter was 'the following manifestation of stupendous conceit; "I hope that this is a genuine request, and not a surreptitious mode of securing m> autograph." To which the minister replied; • ‘ Accept my thanks for the receipt for mak ing coffee; I wrote in good faith, and in order to convince you of that fact allow me to return what you obviously nfinitely prize, but which is of no value to me: your autograph.’

HARD TO SWALLOW. The teller of “ tall stories" generally finds his rebuke awaiting him in an intelligent company. On one occasion, when several physicians had met, the conversation ran to the subject of the extraordinary things which a human being might swallow and still live. The familiar stories about swallowing silver dollars, sets of false teeth, and so forth had been related, when Doctor Longbow began to speak. " Two years ago," he said, " I was called in great haste to attend a carpenter in my town, though the message said that the man was beyond doubt already dead, for he had, while holding a large gimlet in his mouth at his work, suddenly been taken with a fit of hiccoughs, and swallowed the gimlet. " But when I arrived at the man'* house, I found him very comfortable. T&» gimlet, gentlemen, gave him no trouble at all to digest." There was silence for a moment. Presently one of the other doctors remarked: " With you for his physician, Longbow, the man was lucky that it was only a gimlet that he undertook to swallow." " What do you mean ?" " Why, if he had tried to swallow one of your stories, it would have choked him to death."

" YOU BE A LIAR I" Bishop Wilberforce rather plumed himself on remembering faces, and justly so. One day, however, he received a somewhat rude shock. A Hampshire lout appeared in s country church among the candidates. The Bishop felt sure he had confirmed him before, so he leaned over and said, very softly: “ My boy, I think I have confirmed you oefore." Ihe lad opened his great, wide syes, and replied : “You be a liar." Wilberforce knew that this was only the Urdinary way a clown knew how to deny vhat was not true. So he was told to kneel down, and he was confirmed. In a village school he was giving a lesson >n Jacob's ladder and the angels, and then nvited any child present to ask a question, * hereupon an ingenious lad asked how it was hat the angels wanted a ladder when they had yings. The questioner was a little nonplussed, but wanting to know what was floatng in the children’s brains, he called up a ittle chap, and said : " Tommy, can you explain that ?" " I suppose, ’ said the urchin, "cos they k’as a-moultin'.”

HOW TO POP THE QUESTION. Instructions to Bashful Young Men.) Don’t be too sudden about it. Many a jirl has said "no” when she meant "yes,” iimply because the lover did not choose the right time, and pop the question gently. Fake a dark night for it. Havethecurtains Irawn, and blinds down, and the lamp urned almost out. Sit near enough to her so jrcu can hook your little finger into hers. Wait until the conversation begins to flag, ind then quietly remark : “ Susie, I want very much to ask you something." '♦ •• • She will fidget about a little, and, prooably, answer: " Yes ?" After a pause, you can add : “Susie, my actions must have shewn—;hnt is, you must have seen—l mean, you iiuse be aware that—of course, you know—" Pause here for awhile, but keep your little finger firmly locked. She may cough, and :ry to turn the subject off by asking you how you liked the sermon, but she only does it to mcourage you. After a pause you can continue : " I was thinking, as I was coming up the street, that, before I went away, I would isk you— that is, I would broach the sublet nearest my—l mean, I would know Stop again, and give her hand a gentle squeeze. She may make a move to get iway, or she may not. In either case it tugurs well for you. Wait five minutes and then go on. " The past year has been a vajjy happy one to me, but I hope future yean will be itill happier. However, that depends entirely on you. lam here to-night to know—that is, to ask you — lam here to-night, to hear from your own lips the one sweet " Wait again. It isn't best to be too rash jbout such things. Give her plenty of time to recover composure, and then put your hand an your heart, £.nd continue: Yes, I thought as I was coming here tonight how happy I'd been, and I said to mysclt that if I only knew you would consent to be my-that is, I said if I only knew—if I was only certain that my heart had not deceived me, and you were ready to share " Hold on—there’s no hurry about it. Give the wind a chance to sob and moan outside among the trees. This will make her lonesome, and call up all the love in her heart. When she begins to cough, and grow restless. and get closer to you, you can go on : Before I met you this world was a desert to me. I didn't take any pleasure in life, and it didn’t matter whether the sun shone or not. But what a change in one short year. It is for you to say whether my future shall be a prairie of happiness, or one long and never-ending pathway of thistles. Speak, dearest Susie, and say—and lay that ” Give her five minutes more by the clock, and then add: "That you—3’ou will be—that is, that you will—be mine ?" She will heave a sigh, look up at theclock and round the room, and then, as she slides her head over your vcst-pockst, she Will whisner; •• will”