AS YOU LIKE IT.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2483, 31 May 1909, Page 6

AS YOU LIKE IT.

A Newburg goat the other day devoured an entire volume at one sitting. That’s what you might call a regular swallow tala goat,

A professor says the world is growing larger, but we doubt whether it will ever be big enough to satisfy the schoolboy with his first pair of trousers and watch. She was a sweetly inexperienced young housekeeper, as one may gather from her remark when someone suggested that she should purchase spring mattresses. *' Yes,” she said, "if they are in season we had batter have one.”

A Claim for Compensation. “Why don't you work?" said Marivaux to a sturdy beggar who asked alms from him. " You seem strong and hearty.” “ Ah, yes,” responded the mendicant, "but if you only knew how lazy lam.” “Don’t you think you have a good mamma, to spread nice pieces of bread-and-jam for you ?" said an old lady to a little boy who was enjoying his tea, " Yes,” was the reply ; “ but she would be still better if she'd let me spread on the jam myself." An Altered Case. —A young Indian widow, following the usage of her country, was about to burn herself together with the ashes of her deceased. “ You go to rejoin the spouse you have lost." said the priest encouragingly. “ What,” said she, "to rejoin my husband ? In that case I shall remain where I am."

A recent advertisement containg the following “If the gentleman who keeps the shoe-store with a red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and aa Iron handle to the ( slate-roofed grocer’s shop, he will hear qf something to his advantage, as the same is the gift of a deceased mother flow no more with the name engraved upon if. Landlord to Tenant.—" Good morning, just called round to see if it would be convenient to settle your quarter’s rent, sir." "Tenant —"Did, eh?" Do you know, landlord, that none of the doors in this house will shut ?” Landlord—" New house, sir, New house, you know; takes time to settle," Tenant—" Ah, then there’s a pair of us. I’m a new tenant; It takes time for me to settlej too. Good morning. Call again."

Tom Stokes, half tight, went to the shop for a shave. As no one was in, he sat down and was soon sound asleep. A wag came in, made a clean shave of Tom’s head, took a wig from the shop case, put it on, and left him 10 bis nap. Tom woke, put on his hat, and went home to bed. It the night'the wig came off, and next morn his wife saw a bald head. " There I" said she, " I knew how it would be, Stokes. Your brains went long since; now your hair has gone as well." A writer in a juvenile magazine lately gathered a number of dictionary words as defined by certain small people, of which the following are probably genuine ;—" DustMud, with the juice squeezed out. Fan—A thing to brush warm off with. Ice—Watei that stayed out in the cold and went to sleep Monkey—A very small boy with a tail. Pig a hog’s little boy. Salt—What makes your potatoes taste bad when you don’t pul any on. Wakefulness—eyes all the time coming unbuttoned.”

A Curious Twist.—A labourer who was employed at a building in course of erection in the town of G found, on getting up one morning, that he had slept too long. He pul on bis clothes as quickly as possible, but la his hurry he put the back ot his trousers to the front, put his belt round them, and went away to his work without discovering his mistake. On taking a "hod "of bricks up the ladder he missed his footing, and fell with a crash to the ground.' Some of the workmen, hearing the noise, came running up, and. lifting him to his feet, enquired if he was much hurt, and he, looking down and seeing his trousers, replied, “ I think I’m no ' much hurt, but I’ve got a terrible twist."

False Rumour.—Rossini had laid n wager ; it doesn’t matter what it was about, but the stake was a turkey with truffles. Hia adversary lost, but was in no hurry to "jay. Rossini met him one day and said—"Well, what about that turkey?” "Ahl the tuffles are not in season just now." "Nonsence," said the maestro, "'tis the turkeys that have spread that report." A Rrvised Version, —"What do you think of our cathedral ?" asked a Parisian oi a countryman whom he met coming ont of Notre Dame. "It is very fine," was the reply, " but a thought occured to me Whilst I was there during the service, and it was that the choir should make a slight alteration in their liturgy. Instead of saying—--4 Lord, have mercy on us, miserable sinnsrt f they should say—' Lcrd, have mercy on ua, miserable singers 1’" One day, before breakfast, Mrs Bates had been showing her new servant girl how tc cook some sausages, and after seeing them carefully dished, left the kitchen, telling Betsy to bring them to table along with the tea. The tea was brought but the sausages were not to be seen. " You have forgotten the sausages," said Mrs Bates. " No, please ma’am: You said I was to bring them in with the tea." So she had. They were to the teapot. Absolution. —An audacious thief whilst on his knees in the confessional, filched the watch of the priest to whom he was confessing, "Father,” said he, "I steal/* 1,4 What, my son." Father, I have stolen (the' watch was now in his pocket), but I would restore. To you, father, would I give bach {what I have stolen." 41 It rn’t to me that ivou should restore, but to him from whom iyou stole." "But, father, he from whom .'I stole won’t have it.” 44 Ah, well, you may keep it yourself.

j Quits.—A pastry cook whom a poet ’bad praised highly for his skill in cookery, in some verses he had written, wished to reward him for his compliment by presenting him with a cake. The poet found, however, that the paper at the bottom of the cake was 'part of his poetical production, and went in 'a rage to complain of this insult. “ Why do you reproach me ?" said the cook. 44 We are quits now; for you made your verses on my cakes, and I make ray cake upon yovkr .verses. ' It Worked.— "Here y’are now; fwt packages for twopence!” yelled a seedyfooking envelope-pedlar in Holborn. 44 Here y’arc, this way, two packages for a penny!" howled another envelope-pedlar, almost hustling his fellow-merchant off the pavement. Women out shopping noted the difference in prices, and soon bought out the two-for-a-pewy man, Then both pedlars drifted round the corner, and th* one who sold no envelopes divided his stock with tho other, remarking, with a chuckle, 44 It .works bee-utifully, old pal, don’t it ?" 1 In the north of Lanarkshire lived a wellknown character of the name of Sandy B- —who lived in a turf house, the roof of which was badly in need of repair. This, however, Sandy was too lazy to do, and c t a wet day the neighbours used to laugh a< 'Sandy, who sat inside with an old umbreil* over him to keep off the rain, which came in by several holes in the roof. 4 ' Man, Sandy." said a neighbour to him one wet day, " you should mend the roof; you might as well hae a big riddle for a roof as that." " Toots, unan." said Sandy, "it’s far ower wet to Wend the roof the dsy, and on idly fry 1