FUN AND FANCY.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2482, 24 May 1909, Page 8

FUN AND FANCY.

“Mr Chairman/’ began a man who was unaccustomed to public speaking. '‘l—er —l—er—l—er ” “Go on,” interrupted the chairman kindly, “to err is human!”

Old Lady (to new curate): “Ah, sir, we do enjoy your sermons. They are so instructive. We never knew what sin was until you came to the parish.” Beggar : “Can you give me any money or food? I’m hungry, yer- honor.” Fat Alderman : “Lucky beggar ! I’ve not been hungry for years,”' Mrs Oyer: “Have you had. any experience in taking care of children?” Applicant : “No, ma’am. Heretofore I’ve only worked for the best families.”

A Request.—A parent who evidently dis approved of corporal punishment wrote the teacher: “Dear Miss. —Don’t hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except in self-defence.”

Mrs Newlywed: “Cook has burned the bacon, dear; she is so young and inexperienced. Won’t you be satisfied with a kiss for breakfast?” Mr Newlywed: “At right; call her in!” “You go about borrowing money, and yet you seem to be prosperous.” “i am.” “How do you manage it?” “My motto is, ‘Always put off till to-morrow these you have done to-day.” “My good man, did you ever take a bath?” asked a woman of a tramp who had knocked at her door. “No, mum,” replied the beggar. “I never took nothing bigger’n a silver spoon!” Unsuccessful Sportsman (to gamekeeper) :“When I was in Australia I shot the biggest kangaroo the natives said they’d ever seen.” Gamekeeper: “Hindeed, sir! What was you a-haimin’ at?” Miss Fisher: “I really don’t think I shall take part again in the theatricals. I always feel as though I were making a fool of myself.” Pilkins (who always says the wrong thing): “Oh, everybody thinks that.”

“Then you don’t think I practice what I preach?” said a Scottish pastor to a deacon. “No, sir, I don’t!” replied the deacon. “You’ve been preaching on the subject o’ resignation for two years, an’ ye hivna resigned yit!” “I’m a little uneasy in my mind. Ned asked me to marry him, and I told him I might some day. Now, would you call that a promise ?” said a young lady to her dearest friend. “No,” was the reply; “I should call it a threat.’

Policeman (to loiterer): “Now, then, what are you doing here?” Loiterer: “What are you a-doing here?” Policeman; “Can’t you see? I’m doing my duty.” Loiterer: “An’ can’t you see a-making the duty for you to do?” “Miss Prue has a theory for reforming the world.” “What is it?” “Mothers ought to exchange children.” “What good would that do?” “Mothers always have such strict ideas how other women’s children should be brought up.” “Don’t you enjoy the glories of summer?” queried a poetic young lady. “Yes,” answered the prosaic paterfamilias to whom the question was addressed. "It is something of a comfort to find the gas bills getting so -much smaller.” Senior Waiter (to rather green assistant at a recent banquet in a celebrated London hotel) “Now then, young man, do a bit o’ somethink, and don’t stand a-gaping and staring there as if you was the bloomin’ guest of the hevenin.” Stern Parent: “Tommy, you are not to play with that Smith boy any more; he looks a had little boy.” Young Hopeful: “Oh, daddy, he isn’t, he’s a good little boy. He’s been in a reformatory school twice, and each time he’s been let out for his good conduct.”

Two countrymen were staggering home one night, when one of them said, “Wot o’clock is’t, Sandy?” Sandy, after spending some time examining his watch in the moonlight, replied, “It’s either ten minutes past aucht or twenty minutes to twa; I canna mak’ oot which.”

Gus de Smith : “Do you know my father, Miss Birdie?” Birdie; “I have never met him, bu-tf I believe he is a modest, unassuming sort of man.” Gus de Smith: “Right you are. Y r ou can get'some kind of an idea how unostentatious he is when I tell you he does not brag about having me for a son.”

Y 7 ou lazy fellow!” said a squire reprovingly to a villager. “Do you think it’s right to leave your wife at the washtub while you pass your time fishing?” “It’s all right, sir! My wife doesn’t need) watching. She’ll work just as well as if I was near her!’

An old crofter was standing at a shop window in Glasgow, when a friend came up. to him, and, after some conversation, said—“come awa’, Donald, and I’ll stand ye a dram.” “Och,’’replied Donald, “I’m no’ in the drinking line the noo, but if ye hiv nao objections I’ll take the tuppence.” The Actress: “Dear me! I have lost the handbag containing all my diamonds. What shall I do?” Her Manager: “Oh, don’t make a fuss about a little thing like that," The Actress: “But the handbag also contained a sovereign,” Her Manager : “Great Scott! I’ll telephone for a detective at once."