FUN AND FANCY.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2480, 10 May 1909, Page 8

FUN AND FANCY.

Voice (from head of stairs): “Is that you, John?” “Yes—” “I thought I recognised your stagger.” He {to his wife, just off for a holiday)— “Good-bye, darling. I will write often.” She—“ Yes, do, dear—if it’s only a ■cheque.”

“What do you expect to be when, you come of age, my little man?” asked the visitor. “Twenty-one,” was the little man’s reply. Nervous Employer: “Thomas, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at your work.” Office Boy: “I ain’t working, sir. I’m only just whistling.” Host—“ Have you see the wedding gifts, old man?” Guest—'“No, not yet.” Host—* “Well, wait a moment. I’ll get one of the detectives to escort you.” Friend—“ How about that submarine vessel you invented ?• Oouid 1 you make it stay down?” Inventor—“ Yes; but the stupid thing wouldn’t come in again.’ “Sir,” said the poet indignantly, “poets are born, not made!” “Young man,” rejoined the critic, smiling, “do not try to shift the blame on to your parents!” Mr Wicks (money-lender): “Because I know your father so well I am only charging you 15 per cent.” Mr Brown; “I’m * glad you dou’t know my , grandfather, too!”

A “Floorist.”—-“How did you contrive to cultivate such a beautiful black eye?” asked Brown. “Oh!” replied Fogg, who had been practising upon roller-skates, “I raised it from a dip.” “Doncher know,” began Sapleigh, “that I’m—er—sometimes inclined to think—” “You really ought to tiy it,” interrupted Miss Cayenne. “It’s not such a difficult thing after one gets used to it.” “I must have an iron bedstead,” delared a tourist at an inn. “Sir,” answered Boniface, “I am sorry there ain’t a single ii’on bedstead in the ’ouse. But you will find the mattresses very nice and 'ard, sir!”

Country Bookseller (to miner who has previously invested in a dictionary): “Oh, you must look through the S’s for scissors, not the Z’s.” Miner: “Well, how’s Oi to know? Wot’s t’ good of a dictionary without a hindex.’

Airs C.—“ Good-morning, Bridget. I hope your master and mistress have not forgotten that they’re coming to dine with me to-night. ” Cook: “Indade and they’ve not—they’ve ordered a good hearty meal at home at six o’clock.”

“Behold,” whispered the spiritualistic medium, “it is the spirit of your dead wife.” The man sat still and said nothing. “Don’t you understand?” whispered the medium again. “It is your dead wife. Why don’t you speak to her?” “Oh, she’ll do the speaking if it’s her.” “How do you manage to quote your friends such low terms?” .asked one coal merchant of another. “In this way,” was the reply. “I knock off two shillings a ton because they are friends of mine,, and then I knock off two hundredweight on each top because I’m a friend of theirs.”

There had' been a change of curates ini the parish, and Larry Doolin was asked' how he liked the new man. “Middlin’," replied Larry; “but he can’t com© up to Father James. ’Twas he could tell you all about the lower regions, Shure, to hear him describin’ it, ye’d think he was bred, born, and reared "there, ”

Lawyer: “The defendant in this case is a lazy, worthless fellow, isn’t he?” Witness: "Well, sir, I don’t want to do the man any injustice. I won’t go so far as to say he’s lazy, but if it required any voluntary work on his part to digest his victuals he would have died of lack of nourishment fifteen years ago.” A pompous General in full uniform came suddenly upon a newly enlisted bugler, who failed to salute. The General reported the grave offence to the Colonel, with the order that the boy be severely reprimanded. The Colonel passed the order on to the bugler-major, the latter turned it over to the corporal bugler, who had the offender brought before him in state. “See here, youngster, if you don’t salute old Pokerback the next time you meet him you’ll get a clout in the ear ’ole!”

Maud (who has answered the door bell herself)-—"George, you must not come into this house to-night. If you l«v© me, darling, fly at once, and do not let my father discover your presence.” George (tragically)—“Oh, Maud, my darling, what serpent has entered our Eden to wreck our happiness? Speak, girl, speak.” Maud (tearfully)—" Father has just had the gas bill.” A gunner of the Garrison Artillery, who had successfully passed 1 a blaksmith’a course was at home on furlough wearing the hammer and pincers on his arm when he was accosted by a civilian, who asked what the decoration was for. "Oh,” replied Tommy facetiously, ‘Tin an army dentist.” ‘T see,” said the civilian. "Of course the pincers are for extracting the teeth, but what is the idea of the hammer? To chloroform them with,” was the reply.