HUMOUR.

Dunstan Times, Issue 2409, 18 November 1907, Page 6

HUMOUR.

Orator—, Now, friends and fellowcitizens, what is natural deduction from these facts ?’ Voice in the crowd —Fifty per cent.’ A man who has a family of several marriageable daughters has placed in each of their rooms the motto, ‘Learn to say ‘yes,’ Mrs Prosy—‘Reading is quite a 1 pessiod with my husband., Mrs Dresser —‘ So it is with mine when he reads my milliner’s bills.’j Mamma —‘ I wonder why babies insist on being rocked ?’ Papa — ’ They don’t. If they had their own way they’d much rathei lie still and howl.’ ‘ What reason does he give for not paying his wife alimony ~ ‘He says that marriage is a lottery, and hence alimony is a gambling debt.’

‘ Maud’ that little boy next dooi swears dreadfully. I hope you don’t play with him.’ ‘ No, mother, not now. He’s taught me all he knew,’ Governess— 1 Why don’t you learn your lessons in history ?’ Pupil—‘What’s tbe use. 1 heard ma say the other day, ‘ Let bygones be bygones.’ Elderly Young Lady (with a sigh) —‘Ah, I have seen twenty-two summers.’ Unsentimental Gentleman — ‘ Yes, but how often have you seen them ?’ Brown— ‘ Hurry up and put away those medicine bottles.’ Mrs Hrown —The life insurance agent’s coming.’ ‘Congratulate me, Jimmy; I’m engaged to Sally Jenks.’ ‘ I’m awfully sorry, Henry, but I can’t conscientiously do it; I’ve been engaged to Sally myself.’ Chairwoman of Young Ladies’ Political Club— ‘ We have just received a proposal ’ Membeis (instantly rising to their feet) —‘ Which of us is it meant for ?’ Jacks —‘ Townley is an exceedingly cautions man, don’t you think?’ Johns —‘ Cautions ! Why, he wouldn’t pay a compliment without getting a receipt for it.’ The Widow r er—‘l’ve always said that if I married again I should choose a girl who is as good as she is beautiful.’ Miss Willing—‘Really, this is very sudden, George. But I accept you, of course.’ ‘Yes,’ said the dork at the Hotel, * we have eighteen hundred servants.’ ‘Well” said the departing

guest, * I must have overlooked four or five. I’m quite sure I haven't tipped quite so many as that.’

Schoolmaster—‘Try to remen.ber this: Milton,the poet, was blind. Do you think you can remember it?’ Bobby—‘Yes, sir.’ Schoolmaster — ‘Now, what was Mi'ion’s great misfortune ?’ Bobby— ‘ He was a poet,’

Friend— ‘ You’ve never been called in consultation, have you?’ Young Doctor —‘ No,; bull'd like to be. It’s nice to charge ten times as much as the other doctor for saying that you don’t know any more about the case than he doe?,.’

‘You misjudge me.’ said the hypocrite, reproachfully. ‘I admit I am a poor, weak mortal, but telling untruths is not one of my failings.’ ‘lt certaiuly is not,’ agreed the hardheaded man. ‘lt is one of your successes.' Prospective Tenant —'Is the water good here ?’ Caretaker—• Oh, yes, ma’am ; though it do bring you out in spots if you don’t hare it filleted.’ Yes, she’s made a name for herself.’ ‘ln what way?’ ‘Why, she need to be Ellen Mary Aim Brown. Now she is Aileen Marian Browne.’ Young Medico— ‘ What is the secret of your success V Old’ Un — t I make it a rule to find out what a patient wants to do, then I order him to do it.’ The Brute—' What are you thin ing of, Mary ?’ Mary— ‘ lam dreaming of my youth.’ The Brute —‘ I thought you had a far-away look in your eyes.’ Teacher —‘ Now, what is a fort ?’ Johnny—‘A place for soldiers to live in.’ Teacher—‘And a fortress ?’ Johnny—‘ A place for soldiers’ wires to live in.’ ‘So your servant girl has left you again ?’ said Mrs Naybor. ‘Yes, re plied Mrs Sububs. ‘What was the matter ?’ ‘ She didn’t like the way I did the work.’

Lady (in draper's shop) —‘ And m this colour also genuine ?’ Assistedi —‘ As genuine as the roses on yctK cheek, miss.’ Lady— ‘ H’m ! Show me another one.’ Nell —‘ Miss Antigue clings to t e idea that marriages are made in heaven.’ Belle —‘ Well, it must be comforting to her. She hasn’t much chance here, ’ He (bashfully) —‘ May I—er—kiss your hand, Miss Dolly ?’ She—‘Oh, I suppose so. But it would be so much easier for me to remove my veil than my glove.’ ‘ By the wej, how did you come out with that drink cure you put in your husband's tea ?’ ‘ First rate, fle hasn’t druak a drop since.’ ‘Of whisky ’ ‘No; tea.’ He —‘Are you sure that I am the only man ou ever really and truly loved ?’ She —• Perfectly snre. I went over the whole long list of them only yesterday.’ ‘ Tommy, 1 said his mother, / if I give you a piece of toffee, will yov try to be a good boy’?’ ‘Yes, ma’am/ replied Tommy, ‘an - I’ll try to be gooder if you’ll give me two pieces/ ‘ I’m sorry you spoke so sharply to that boy—you must have cut him to the quick !’ ‘lmpossible ! He has no quick !’ ‘No quick ? Why, what ’ ‘He’s a message boy!’ Father (to his son, who has just handed in the bills for his first term at college)— ‘ I shouldn’t have thought that learning would have cost so much.’ Son — 4 1 ill, yes, father ; and lam the one who studies the least of any of us.’ A theological student, supposed to' be deficient in judgment, was asked by a nrofessor in the course of a class examination’ ‘ Pray, Mr E., how would you discover a fool?’ ‘By the questionr he would ask/ was the rather stunning reply.

A Village Clergyman Tells This Story. A very fine-looking ooup’e once came to me to bo married. They gave their ages ; he as thirty-one and she as twenty-five. I noticed she was sad and serious ; but I was persuaded he was hon"S,., and, also, that he loved her. I began the ceremony, and he repeated his vows ; but when it came her turn she broke down utterly and sobbed and wept. I paused. He led her to a seat, and, leaving her crying there, suddenly disappeared, 1 learned afterwards that six years before she had loved another man ; they quarrelled, he went away, and she had never seen him since. For two years the second man had been soliciting her love, but while she really loved him she still thought she loved the first. Finally, she had consented to marry him, but was not altogether happy. He must have known the ‘ ways of life/ for, unknown to her, he had hunted up the first man, made him promise to be in the city on that day, and at that very hour to be in waiting at an adjacent hotel. In five minutes the groom returned bringing the other man with him. When they entered she recognised the man with him, and for a full minute there was a dumb show. During that minute she realised how changed she was, and what an unreal memory she had cherished.

I do not expect to see again such an outbunt of affection as that with which she flaw into her real friend’* arms. They took thair placs# for ths seeond

time ; I finished th * cen mony, announced tin m man and w f#, and she went out the happiest women I have ever teen. ’ v

One d*y a couple came to me. bringing as witnesses the parents of both parties. Everything proceed* d smootly to the point. Move, honour, and obev,’ wh n she refused to say the last. ] repeated it again and waited. Again she refused, and 1 shut up my book.

Then there was a scene. They talked it over, and the more seriously they argued aud discussed the more stubbornly she refused. Th® parents became angry, the groom excited, and the bride hysterical. To humour her he joined in the request to have me leave it out. But I liked the fellow and decided that a little sternness from me in the present might be a favour to him in the future. So I told them I had no authority to change it and would not do so. Then there was a scene I tried to show her the foolishness of her objection, but l l was no use.

FinalW, I said to him : ‘ Well, th household must have a head sotn«' where. I will leave it out for her il you will aay it.’ Then it wa« his time to refuse, which he did. He gathered up his hat and started for the door, when, presto! change! she sprang after him, led him back by the hana, looked meekly up at him and said it.

His Own Fault. Pompey : “ De off horse broke his near hin’ leg die mornin’, massa.” “How did he come to do that? 1 asked the master. “It was all his own fault, massa. W’en my back was turned de wuffless animile Jie kick me on de head, mass*.”

Otherwise Engaged A visitor watching an old crofter fishing in a very shallow burn noticed that for half an hour the hook was never withdrawn from the water. “ Are there any fish in that stream ?" asked the visitor at last. “No sir f I don’t think so/’ replied the old man. f| “ But you seem to be fishing. “ Yes, sir.” “Then what is your object?" “ My object, sir, is to show the wife that I’ve no time to hoc the potatoes.”

Modest Old Man. He looked unmistakably an old soldier, and it was not long before the conversation drifted to matters military. Then it came out that he was a Crimean and Mutiny veteran, and soon he was fighting those terrible days over again for the benefit of an interested ’busful of fellow passengers. “ And what was tnc bravest deed you ever saw ? ” asked one. “The capturin’ of the Rooshm gun by Brannigan, that I told you of,” replied the veteran. “And who do you consider was the bravest soldier you ever met ? ” „ “ Brannigan, sir. Brannigan was the boy/’ As he stepped stiffly out of the ’bus, with a parting military salute, a passenger remarked “ Modest old hero that. Did you notice that he never boasted of his own deeds, but always of those of his old comrade Branm gan ?” . , Just then, while the ‘bus waited for the policeman’s signal to move on, the passengers saw the veteran salute a passing gentleman “ How do, Brannigan ? ” they heard the gentleman say. \ ! “ Oh, my !” exclaimed the excited woman who had mislaid her husband. “I’m looking for a small man with one eye.” “Well, ma’am,” replied the polite shopwalker, “if he’s a very sma 1 ! man, mavbe you d better use both eyes.”

“ Your wife used to sing and play a great deal. I have not heard her lately.” “ Since we have had children she has had no time.” " Ah, children are such a blessing.” Teacher; "Bessie, name one bird that is now extinct.” Little Bessie : “ Dick.” Teacher : “ Dick What sort of a bird is that ?” Bessie : “ Our canary home ; the cat extincted him.”

Artist : “ I want to get a fram for a rather important pictur I’ve just finished.” Picture Dealer; “ Certainly sir. For vour own use ?” Artist : “No ; I’m sending it t| the exhibition.” e . Picture Dealer : “Just step» tM way. I’ve the very thing. Thera You see, the design of the “ a ™J is a nymph on each side ! An solutely excludes all danger cl having* the picture hung upsidl -down.” a