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Dunstan Times, Issue 762, 24 November 1876, Page 3

Josh Billings -writes that “Philosophers aul agree that the milk is put into the kokernut, and the hole is neatly plugged up ; hut who the fellur is that does it, the philosopphers are honest enough, for a wonder, to admit they can’t tell us.” “Dear nle, how fluidly he talks !” said Mrs Partington, recently, at a temperance meeting. “ I am always rejoiced when ho mounts the nostril, for his eloquence warms every cartridge in my body. ” Said, Mr TaplCy, of Danbury, feeling softly over his nose, “ T dont’t want to he too hopeful or sanguine, hut 1 believe 1 'am going to have a boil.” The first day Artemus Ward entered Toledo, U.S.-, travel worn and seedy, ho said to an editor who was on the street, ‘ Mister, where could I get a square meal for twenty - cents ?’ He was told : and then he inquired. I say, Mister, whore could T get the twenty five cents ?’

A negro, who was injured by fulling from the new post-office building in Danbury, was bo black that the doolor bad to takii a lantern to find his pulso. So the doctor’s boy says. A Danbury man noted for his close-fisted propensities, was showing an old coin to a neighbor, when the latter asked s—“ Where did you get it ?" “ 1 dug it out] of my garden,” was the reply. “It is a pity you didn’t find it in the cemetery,,’ said the neighbor. “ Why so?” asked the coin owner. “ Because you could have saved the hole to bo burled in 1” was the somewhat Unexpected reply. In the harbour of San Francisco, a wave struck a fishing-boat, and overboard wont two disciples of Ike Walton. Some parties who happened to be in a bodt close by went to their assistance, and rescued the half drowned pair. On being questioned how the accident occurred, they replied, “ We didn’t capsize ; we only went down to see why the fish wouldn’t bite.” Gertie ‘ I wish I had lived in the time of William the Conqueror, mamma dear.’ Mamma : ‘ Why love ?’ Gertie : 1 Because then we should not have had so much history to learn, and we should not have had to know the names of all those wives of Henry YllL’ Let him do his part. —Frank Moulton says that either he ought to be in the penitentiary or Beecher ought to be out of his pulpit. There is no getting around that. But Mr Beecher’s failure to do his duty is no excuse for Moulton neglecting his. Let him go to the penitentiary.—Detroit Post. ‘Facts arc stubborn things,’ said a lawyer to a female witness under examination. ‘Yes, sir,’ said the witness, ‘and so are women ; and if you get anything out of me, just let me know it.’ ‘ You’ll be committed for contempt,’ said the lawyer. ‘Very well,’said the witness. ‘I shall suffer justly, for I feel the utmost contempt, for every lawyer present.’ There is a man in Glen’s Falls, New York, who won’t believe any stories about the sagacity of dogs. He says that dogs have not common sense. In proof of his assertion, ho relates how he poured kerosene on a dog and set.it on fire just to have a little fun, and that dog actually ran under the bain belonging to him, and lay there and set the barn on fire, though the man whistled to him to come out! A gentleman, travelling, found by the wayside a man he supposed to be eighty years of age weeping moat bitterly. Desirous to know the cause of such immoderate grief, he inquired of the old gentleman why it was that it was crying. He was informed that his father had just been whipping him. “ Your father!” exclaimed the astonished traveller; “is it possible that he is alive?” —“Yes, sir,” saidjthe mourner ; “he lives in that house”—pointing to a small habitation near the road. The traveller was anxious to see the father, and accordingly turned into the house, where he sat and conversed with him, expostulating on the absurdity of his conduct in whipping so old a man as his son. The old man apologised, saying that the young rascal had been throwing brickbats at his grandfather, who was at work in the garden.