HUMOROUS.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4455, 7 November 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS.

Toucher—"What is volocity?" Pupil— " Velocity is what a man puts a hot plato down with."

George Francis Train has gono West to defend the Mormons. This is about the hardest blow Mormonism ever got. First lovo is best of course, but if your first lovo goes back on you, you can be tolerably happy with the second and third varieties.

Smith (at table)—" Say, Jonos, what's that in the prcservo dish P Plums P" Jones (without emotion)— 1 ' We'll damson find out what thoy aro!"

A littlo Lawrcnco girl who is in tho habit of going in tho woods to pick clematis, told hor mother that if sho found any " calamities " sho would bring her somo. Miss Cleveland's book was writton on Irish linen paper. By this masterly stroke of diplomacy sho insures for her brother at least 78,000 Hibernian votes in 1888.

Catching flies was tho favorito amusement of the Emperor Domitiim. Muffing them seems to bo tho favorito amusement of tho members of Boston buso-ball nino this year.

Thoro arc thirteen widows living in ono streot about throe hundred yards long in Arncriciis, Ga. The oity authorities propose to put up at each end of tho street a sign, " Dangerous Passing.' 1 Cay old gentleman to boy, on 12th birthday : " I hope you will improvo in wisdom, knowledge and virtue." Boy, politely returning- compliment, totally unconscious of sarcasm: " Tho samo to you, sir !"

Mary (aged 7, but dignified) — " Johnny, I am surprised that you should say ' to previous. * It's naughty." Johnny (aged G, but precocious)—" What should I say ?' Mary (loftily) say tako timo by tho bangs." A corrospondont writes: "I havo been doing a deal of travelling by coach in Scotland, and I think I heard what I may call ' n good thing.' A worthy Scot was prep; - , ing his snuff box upon a who in his turn did not look. if ho likod tho look of tho mull or 'la contents. Bont on refusing the olfer, at last tho passenger politely remarked that ho did not hike snuff. The Scot eyed him for a moment aud then, looking him full in tho faco, remarked: ' Mon that's a pecty, ns ye hao sao gran accomadatioii,"