HUMOROUS.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4413, 19 September 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS.

Every artist loves his sweetheart. A Scapegrace.—A man late at dinner. The soda-wate? seller is known by his phiz. A commen-tator —Tho ordinary boiled one. Some fishermen use cotton for bait; ho do women. The grandest verso ever composed.—The universe. Vulcan is like a Voudoo. Ho is the black's myth. Thoy come high, but we must have them —Sour grapes. Tho average pretty girl is a ninnycent young creature At band contests, the toot ensemble is rigidly looked to. The objection to a political ring is, that it is not the Bquare thing. Never yet knew a gun that was put on trial that didn't result in its discharge. Pansy reed costs twenty dollars an ounce, and tho result is 'only a pansy blossom.' People who spend tho summer at tho beach imagine that they have a shore thing. Tho bounty on wild animals is paid, by the head ; but in cities, dogs are killed by the pound. Sitting in an editorial chair does not make an editor.—Probably not, but it very often breaks one. Bob Ingersoll is reported to have given a largo order to provide his family vault with fire escapes. Why wasn't Eve tried for stealing tho apple ? —becauso thoro was no court of appellate jurisdiction. It has been often noticed tha a man who ' paints tho town red ' at night, feels awful blue in tho morning. Tho editor always refers to himself as ' wo' bocauso ho is the smallest man connected with tho paper. The purchaso of diamond's by the pock sometimes is facetiously alluded to, but it is a fact that gold is found by the quartz. When a girl is young she wants numerous dolls, but when sho grows older her wants increase, and she desires Bevcral dollars. Dr. Koch says the cholera micropeis like a comma, in shape. Hence, perhaps, the facility with which it fastens on tho colon. The Tonsorial Gazette, an organ for tho barbers, has been started in Chicago. It may succeed but it will bo by a close shave. 'What is tho difference between a newspaper man and a pitcher,' asks tho base ball writer. — About two thousand dollars a year. A yonng girl in India has become a Budhist. When asked why she did bo, she replied,'l know on which side my bread is Budhered.' A gentleman hearing a pair of lovers singing, whose bans had been published in church, exclaimed ; ' listen to the mnaic by the banned I' The Tennessee mother who doesn't allow ' slack ' enough in a boy's pants to last him two growing years is rated as a woman of no calculation. It makes an editor happy all day to look out of a window and watch a bore coming to call on him, and then to sco him pass by without looking up.

The jewels in tho Cathedral at Moscow are valued at. twelve million dollars, and dozens of people have died within a stone's throw for the want of bread.

An editor in Mexico is called'a ' periodista.' This is because, however busy he may seem to be, he never fails to stop work while invited out for tho beer. Woman is charged with deception about her age, but the charge is unjust. When a woman says she is thirty years old you may depend upon it that she is. A Burlington girl has an album in which are preserved the photographs of all the young gentlemen who have flirted with her. She calls it her ' rogues' gallery. An Indiana man has applied for the position of ' Sexton ' of the Post-office Department. This is tomb much! We suspect he wants to inter the dead letters. A man in Oseola, Michigan, has three daughters, all of whom are deaf mutes. This may not be especially humorous, but thero is a certain enjoyment about it. A gentleman noticing that his wife's bonnets grew smaller and smaller, and the bills larger and larger calmly said : ' I suppose this thing will go on until tho milliner will send nothing but the bill.' An exchange heads an article, 'Why Judas tscariot Hanged Himself.' We have always understood that it was becauso he was cheated in a bargain, but perhaps tho revised version has a new explanation. 'I'm a plumber !' answered a burglar who was discovered in a chamber in a house in Cincinnat.iat midnight, and the ownerturned cover in bed with the remark : Oh, I was in hopes it was a burglar, and that he might leavo mo something.' About 4000 Russians came to this couni try last year. This is not a large number, but if their names were tied together the unpronounceable appellations would reach around the earth, and be more dangerous to run against than a barbed wire fence. An old miser in a country village being asked for a subscription towards repairing the fenco of the graveyard declined, saying ' I subscribed towards improvin' that bury-in-ground nigh on to forty years ago, and my family hain't had no benefit from it yet!' A smart young man saw with blushing pride, a pretty actress watching him, and growing bold too soon, he was thus repulsed ' Oh you need not apoligise for speaking too me. I did notice you ; but the fact is lam studying a big silly boy's part, and wanted a good iay figure to look at.' A little" boy had his long curls cut off the other day, and was annoyingly reminded of the fact by nil his friends. Going with his family into the country, soon after his arrival, he came running into the house in great sorrow, crying : ' Mamma, mamma, even the hens laugh at me ; thoy all say Cut-cnt-cut got your-haircut.' In Victor Hugo's younger days during a performance of his play ' The Burgraves,' Alexandre Dumas, seeing a man asleep in the Btalls, said to his friend: ' There, Hugo watch tho effect of your versos.' A little nettled, Hugo waited his opportunity, and a week later, while Dumas's play of Henri lII.' was being played, caught a spectator napping, and calling Dumas's attention to him. ' Yes,' said Dumas, ' but that's tho same man who went to sleep the other night it has been impossible to awake him.' In a certain village a well-known bishop during the exercise of his official duties, was quartered with tho chief inhabitant, whoso wife was absent on a visit, and the guest was given tho spare bedroom. The wife, on her return, enquired who bad been at the house in her absence. ' Bishop X,' said the husband. ' Bishop X exclaimed the good woman. 'And where did you put him to sleep ?' 'In the spare bed of course.' 'In the spare bed!' shrieked the horrified matron. ' Why, I put all the silver under the mattress before I went away!' And she rushed up stairs to the spare bedroom to see if the silver was safe.