HUMOROUS.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4300, 9 May 1885, Page 6 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS.

Natur.'il slippers—Eels. Green gages —Lovers' vows. The earliest squatters —Kangaroos. Signal for a bark—Pulling a dog's tail. The matron's lament —let us sweep. Somebody advertises real estate dirt cheap. How to find a girl out —Call when she isn't in. The path of duty—through the customhouse, A poor relation — Telling an anecdote badly. The horso prefers to dine at the table d'oat. By the will of nature, honey is the universal bcequest. An air of importance.— One's first breath. An egotist's story extends as far as I can reach. Should a cook curry a chicken with a coxcomb ? Girls look upon the engagement ring as a very promising affair. Patronsjof husbandry—Mothers with mai'-riage-able daughters. A career of crime must come to a halt or a halter. Troy weight is like an unconscientious person, becauso it has no scruples. Sulphur comes from Vesuvius ; therefore it is good for eruptions. Unpopular Music—Thomas's concerts on tho back-yard fence. To become peace-makers—Play at football in a crockery shop. A child is often the hyphen which connects an uncongenial husbind and wife, A boy has just died from a dose of ink out West. An ink west determined the fact. What is the use of talking of this world's joys and sunshine to a man who has on a pair of tight boots ? The man who fancies everything he sees is notso troublesome.is the one whoseizes everything ho fancies. It must have been a cue-rious man who said he should like to light his j)ipo with a billiard match. A man may bo properly said to have been drinking like a fish when ho finds that lie has taken enough to make his head swim. Napoleon said that ' bayonets think.' Ycg, and few thinkers have so much keenness, point, and penetration as they. Why is a very angry man like the clock at fifty-nineminutes past twelve ? Because hois just ready to strike one. A young lady, when told to exercise for lior health, said she would jump at an offer, and run her own risk. By an Irishman : Why is a storm when it's clearing up like a castigation ? Sure, an , ain't it a bating ? Talking of oarsmen, John Paul says it is a great thing now a-days to bo ' a gentleman and a sculler.' Butter down !' as the goat remarked to himself, as he saw the farmer's wife crossing the field. An old conductor says lie is no judge of female beauty, but he can always tell when ladies are " passing fare." Sleep-walking is supposed to be in some way connected with the trance-migration of souls. A beau dismissed by a belle, and an arrow dismissed by a bow, are apt, to start off: in a hurry. ' I always thought I should never rear that child,' said an old lady of ninety on hearing of the death of her son, aged seventy. Two sisters—twins —have to be told every thing together, because they are so exactly alike they can't be told apart. Why is a chemist a bad person to havo a dispute with ? Because ho always lias a retort ready. Simpkins has discovered that the pleasantest way to take cod liver oil is to fatten pigeons with it, and. then eat the pigeons. Tho demand for napkin rings made of wood grown at Walter Scott's home, Abbotsford, is proving a great drain on the forest of Maine so says an American paper. When a girl has to stay at home on account of a sty on her eye, it is almost useless to tell her that Providence doeth ull things well. A boy who was sent to a druggist for chloride of lime to ' kill infection, , demanded instead ' a pound of cobbler's lime to kill affection.' A Wyoming paper delicately announces that its charge for marriage notices is 'just what the ecstasy of tho bridegroom may prompt.' A Chicago reporter has just won his spurs by an aiiido headed ' Desperate Bloodshed —The Murdered Man not Expected to Live !' Just keep it lighted for another boy !' is tho latest juvenile invention, when a mother comes upon her little boy with a cigar in his mouth. A little boy who had been used to receive his elder brother's nlc] toys and clothe?, recently remarked, ' Ma, shall I have to marry his widow when ho dies ?' JS'ed and his twin brother, at the age of three years, were saying their catechism to mamma. His brother had answered corrcclly that Hie first man was Aduin. When Ned was asked who was the first woman, he hesitated a minute and then replied : ' Madam.' This salad is very (jriily, , sa ' ( ' a f»"'cncl to Douglas Jerrold one day when they were dining together ; ' don't you think sq ?' ( Qt'itty, jnclecd !' replied Jerrold ; • I should just l.hink it was gritty ! Why, I call it nothing but a gravel path with a few woods sprinkled on it here and there !' Tommy was a liltlo roguo, whom his mother hud hard work to manage. Their house in tho country was raised a few feet from the ground, and Tommy, to escape a well-deserved whipping, ran from mother and crept under the house. Presently the father came home, and, hearing whero the boy had taken refuge, crept under to bring him out. As he approached on his hnnds and knees, Tommy asked, ' is she after you, too ?' A youth wns endeavoring to enjoy an evening in the company of a young lady upon whom ho had called, but found a serious obstacle in the person of a stern father, who at length hinted very plainly that tho hour for retiring had arrived. ( 1 think you are correct, my dear sir,' returned tho unabashed young man. 'We have been waiting for you to go to bed for over an hour. , '1 he proprietor of an hotel has a magnificent scheme. It is a circular hotel, to work on a pivot, like a locomotive turntable. Tho object is to give every -'guest a, ' front-root.), Hi] whaj/ p/irt qi , Switzerland did you feel tha heat the most last summer ?' asked one tourist of another. 'I think it waa when I was going to Berne,' was the reply. 'Henry, my love, I wish you would drop that book and talk with me, I feel so dull. 1 A long silence and no reply, < Oh, Henry, my foot's asleep! , 'Is it? Well, don't talk, dt-ar, you might wake it.' A man by the name of Wyscr, who lately broke his leg while wrestling with a friend, is still a Wyser, but the dor-tor thinks it will be some tjmo before he is a better man. Philosophers tell us that the slightest hair.throws a shadow. And so it does. It throws a shadow over your appHite when you find it in your food. 1 Wasn't that a finished sermon ! J, asked a lady of her companion, as they were coming out of church. Y-e-s,' waa the reply'; ' but I began to fear it never would be. , Gladstone prides'himself on Greek, and a wag-says that his devotion to Homer is so great .that overy article used in his house has to be 'measured by Troy weight.