HUMOROUS.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4282, 18 April 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS.

A cool thousand —Half a ton of ice. Cut down —the results of jhis first shave. A door belle —The pretty maid-servant. The literary man always has write oil his side. A Cologne batli is a sort of a penny dip. it is one for a scent. ■ A man who makes money hand over fist —the prize-fighter. Mormons ought to; bo good sailors — they have so much marry-time experience. There's one line that every woman delight to hang on—tho masculine. ' Alonzo' asks for a '..puro.-.foi* love.' Marriage, Alonzo—marrigo. A cologne bath is a sort of a penny dip. It is one for a scent. When some men crawl out of office they do not leave much of a hole. Tho lay of the land in Montana is very 'high.- That is eggs are there quoted at ten cents each. . ■ • ~ WoreSolomou alive ho might give Sullivan some sound advice, such as go thy -haunt thou slug-haul. It is said that there is a soft side to every man, That's the reason a dude is afraid to stand on his head. People who go up in a balloon together are generally concecded to bo considerably taken up with one another. A good printer is a man of the highest Ivpe. Ho slicks lo his case, and makes if a rule Iv never lo be out of soil. It ii a very cn<y Ihing, even for the mast ignorant man to bo an author of nolo if his uamo is worth anything. A man never knows, says a writer, 'when an idea is going to.strike.' The same tiling ij true of icicles. ' iS'cck or nothing,' remarked the landlady as sho handed that part of tho chicken lo the late boarder. Tho huiian of Moiocco hao J.OUO wives. Solomon had 700. But Solomon was a wise man ; he knew when ho hud enough.

The Egyptian question are the camels coming ? A new magazine is called Age. It contains a good deal of fiction. She — what arc you thinking of ? He — Nothing She—Egotist. 'I've joined the Fenians,' said Smith, as he went to. dinner, ' I'm going to dine a mite.' Nothing surprises a man more than being killed when ho expects to kill jsomebody. The gobble, gobble' song appears to be a favorite'air (ust now with most of" European diplomats. ~. One-half: of the world dosen't know how the other half lives. And 'tis just as well. lisaves a great deal of gossip. ' Shall 1 give you a quarter or a half portrait ?' asked the artist of Mr Vandergoukl. ' Give mo a whole portrait, sir. Money is no object with me.' .Flippant Cockney— Are there any fools in this part of the world, my hid ? Nondescript — Not as I know on, zur. Why d'yr foci v bit lonesome. When Francis N. Bangs the New York lawyer, thanked the Lord that there were no reporters in heaven, ' You forget the recording angel, eaid the reporter present. As a title can now be bought- in Europe for SSOO there is no reason why any more American heiresses shonld marry organ grinders. ' Circumstances altar cases ; but I wish I could got hold of some cases that would alter my circumstances, ! said Lord Brougham when he was a struggling lawyer. When a clergyman remarked there would be a nave in the church the society was building, un old lady whisporrd that she knew the party to whom he referred. A man said to his aged mother speaking of his wife. '1 do wish I could keep Mary from exaggerating so.' ' Got her to talk about her own age,' responded tbo shrewd old lady. Philantropist: ' Here, here, stop that? What are you doing to your little.brother ?' Boy: ain't, doin' nothin.' 'Why does ho cry so then ?' ' Cause I tooked his candy away from him.' 'But didn't you havo some candy too ?' ' Yes, but I eat it all up. ' That gives you no right to rob your little brother. ' Yes it does, lam a Socialist I am. A rather venerable lady countess married a man who did not belong to the nobility. " How did eho come to marry him ?- She has a title and he has not," remarked one gentleman to anqther. ." I don't know for cortain, but 1 expect sho preferred to have a husband without a title" than to have a title without a husband. 'There,' exclaimed Blobson, pointing to a tramp, who was attempting to leave the premises with a large clog attached to his trousers, ' there is. what I call a good example of a contested seat.' An lowa editor wrote an obituary of ono of his subscribers, at tho requost of the widow, in which he inadvertently spoko. of the deceased as having gone to a ' far happier home.' And tho fastidious mourner was angry.

The Albany Argus thinks that if Tennyson's play is too long for tho stage, as has been alleged, tho singe should bo enlarged.

' I understand Mr. Einstein, your son Marcus is stage struck.' 'Stage-struck Ah, no, ho was yust run ofer himself mit a

dray.. : ; : ' Hey, Sambo wha 1 d'yo leave yo' his board in' place fur ?' 'Oh ! (ley charge too much for dis year darkey.' ' Wha' dey charge ?' ' Dey charge mc wif stealin' de spoons, and so I lef'.' Mrs Parvenu explains that she thought Marmalade such : a pretty name when she saw it on Delmonico's bill of fare that she gave it to tho baby instead of Mary Ann, as first proposed. Politican —An' Phawt do you ask for.a roide in yer yellor kerridge ? Driver — Twenty-five cents. Politican - — Twinty foiye cints / An' is that all wan saves by vvaikin' ? Begorra ! the counthry is goin to the dogs, shuro !■■

'Ma, this paper says thcro . are 3,950 bands of Mercy in this country. What is a Band of £Morcy f, ,' An association for charitable purposos child.' ' Oh ! 1 thought it was a brass band that didn't practice evenings.' George Washington Adams goes to buy a pair of shoos of Hans Bachsteih. ' Yell mcm friont, votnomberdo you vare onyhow ' Wall, cus,om'ry I wea's two, 'copt in the summer time, when- I goes, bah footed bo let's hey a par, an' yo' bigger size.'

Parson Whangdoodlo Baxter distinguished himself once more at tho funeral of an aged colored man : 'Our deceased brudder was married foah times during his life,' said Whangdoodlo, ' but only one ob de widows am so fortunate as to be-able, to survive him long enough to be present on dis heah solcmeus occa.hun. -

When the well known song ' Mrs. Brady's. Daughter' was having a mn,a lady one day went into Phillip Werlien's storo on Bourbon street New Orleans, and stepping up to' a dashing young salesman said : 'Mrs Brady's daughter" Glad to'know you replied the: young man extending his hand. 'How is your mother ?' ' .

Andrew Carnegie, the Scoteli millionaire of Pittsburg, has received a bad snub. Ho was ambitious to attain that political recognition in London which it is in the power of the Reform Club to confer. He felt sure of admission, but lie was unmercifully : blackballed.

Bridget (to head of the house) — Tho coachman has eloped, soor. Head of the house —Great Caesar! My daughter, eh, my daughter ! Bridget —Shurc. an'its not yer daughter ; it's the missus. Head of the house—How- long ago ? Bridget—Not foivo minutes, soor. Head of the houseToo late ! too late !

' Isay, old follow, what are your politics ?' said one Irishman quizzing another. ' Con servative—my father was Conservative ; lie replied. 'And what is your religion.,? continued the other. 'Protestant —my father was a Protestant,' was tbo answer. ' And why arc you a bachelor,' said the other. ' Becauae my .father was a—oh, confound it don't bother me. with such stupid questions. .

' I don't know that it is malaria—that it is. I'm —ah,'and ho ran his fingers in a sweet, invalid style through his hair and over his sad, sad eyes.- ' Icawn't eat, anything—you see —ah. My appetite's so delicate. It rejocts everything—ah.' ' flave you tried Sinker's baby food ?' sho mildly suggested. And after he had answered ' No—ah, he really looked quite distressed, and said he thought lie would 'go homenil.' ...'.''■

' Papa, dear,' lisped a Sewickley belle, yesterday, ' do you know there is one place in an Eastern State that 1 am constantly envying?' 'And what attractive spot is that, my daughter?' ' It's Elizabeth,' responded the ingenious maiden.. 'Explain yourself, my child. My Greek education was sadly neglected.' 'Well, papa, I'lizabc'th ought to be happy, for it's in a New Jersey all the time.' Ero another dawn this damsel had her garment and tho old' man had the bill.

' Here is something T just dashed off, and my friends are so delighted with it, that at their earnest request I brought it to you. They aro all subscribers to your paper.' And lie slid contentedly into a chair just (vacated by an exchange fiend. 'Do you write much of this sort of stuff?' inquired the editor. ' You wish to know, I suppose, if I often ascend into tho realms of poesy ? Yes, very often, and nil my poems are highly, praised by my friends. They call me the American" Keats.' 'Ah ! I sincerely hope you will emulate his example.' ' Oh, thank you.' ' Yes, Keats dieclyoung.'

Ono Sabbath morning two dogs entered a villago church in tho west of Lanarkshire, shortly before the commencement of the service. Ono of the animals belonged to the minister, and had for a long time " onjoyed the privilege of sitting at the foot of the pulpit-stair, and thither ho betook himself. His brown-coated companion, howover, went prowling about tho church for a considerable time, until lie became tired of reconnoitring, and moving cautiously forward became desirous of exchanging nose civilities with the occupant of the pulpitstair. The minister's favorite began to show his teeth, and in an instant they were al each other's throats. The minister could not. proceed with the discourse by re.i°on of the noise, and the beadle descended from his seat to separate (lie combatanls, He succeeded in driving the intruder'back' from the pulpit, and us it retreated t" ■. u\N the steeple door, lie caught up a p .>! n» 1> and' struck it on the head with the mi„. An old woman, to whom the book* belonged, called in a shrill voice—' Confound ye for a graceless sinner, what garl ye fling the Psalms o' Dauvit at the dumb brute for!' ' I.alms o' Daunt.!' exclaimed tho beadle, 1 1 wad cleave his Samson's jawbane if 1 had it.'