FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3954, 22 March 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Should you say that it is really wrong to take any one in when it rains ? Can oyster sauce bo properly described as " native impudence P" Does an actor j)erform an honest action when he takes another actor's part ? Should you say that the proper inn for hungry lawyers to go would bo to Gray's ! Is it correct to describe Cork whisky as a light drink ? Would it be right to say that the fashion of wearing short dresses is like a railway accident because it stops the trains ? When you are desirous of making - a cheap present to the girl of your heart, would you tip her a wink ? Come, now, would it be very, very wrong to declare that matrimony is sometimes spelt m-a-t-t-e-r-o'-m-o-n-e-y ? Would you say that a carpenter is liko a barber boon use he can't get along' without shavings ? We are told nothing was made in vain ; but how about the fashionable girl ? Isn't she maiden vain ? Do you think that a gentleman "travelling " for Parkins and Gotto, or one of that ilk, is a most extraordinary anomaly because he,is a .stationery traveller ? "Why don't you ask a blessing ?" wiid a boarding-house keeper to the boarder. He looked all over tho table, and gloomily asked, " I'd like to know what for ?" Tho railway reformer's theory is that reduced rates will lead to increase of revenue. The reduction of grain tari ft 0 last year has resulted in a loss uf £00,000. Argument is of no a-Vailc here. " William," said a teacher to one of his pupils, " can you tell me why the sun rises in the cast?" "Don't know," replied "William, " 'cept it bo that the yeast makes overything rise." Teacher fainted. " Why do you set your cup of coffee on the chair, Mr Jones ?" asked a worthy landlady at breakfast ono morning. " It's so very weak, ma'am," replied Jones. " I thought I would let it rest." When a young and handsome widow gets back to feathers and furbelows, you needn't be afraid of hei'—the danger is past. But hold yourself hard when sho gazes mournfully into your eyes from the recesses of a black crape veil. When a cowboy goes into a "western news-" paper office to demand satisfaction the editor always explains that the assistant who wrote that article " has just gone out to kill a man, but will bo back in a few minutes." Tho cowboy never waits. "You are tho most stuck-up chap I ever saw," remarked a young lady to a youth whom she met at a taffy pull, to whom he retorted : " And you are just as sweet as yon are candied." Another lea]) year horror i From His Own Standpoint.—Mountain Guide: "This, gentlemen, is the finest prospect anywhere for miles around. Standing here you can see no fewer than thirtytwo public-houses."

A gentleman at an evening party in the Far West, observing another gentleman eyeing his umbrella, stopped the proceedings thus : '' You handle that umbrella, you touch that umbrella, you even look at that umbrella, and I'll cnim it down your throat, and then spread it!"

A Medinia family row was started because the wife refused to kiss the husband good-night. Then the son knocked the father down with a boot-jack, the son was fined and the wife gets out a warrant for tho old man. " God bless our home " was the motto over the dining-room door.

" Mercy on us children, .stop that noise. TVhatjjaro you quarrelling about f" Little Nell: "Wo isn't quarrelling." Mamma: " Then what is all this noise about ? "What is Harry scolding for, and why arc you pulling , his hair?" Little Nell: "It's only play, mamma. Wo is pretendin' wo is married."

Three tailors established themselves in the same street in the old Spanish city of Bejar. The first .wrote on hi.s .sign: •'The best

tailor in this town." The second adopted as his motto: " Tlio best tailor in the world." But the . third, who' was the smartest of the lot, got away with them nil by putting , on his sign "The best tailor in this street."