FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3779, 25 August 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

What is' tho greatest curiosity in tbo world? —A woman's. It didn't require much of a philosopher to discover that all rich widows are handsome. Woman's inhumanity to woman is outbalanced by her insane devotion to masculinity. " I believe in the power of the press as the young lady remarked when she was embraced by a reporter. Professor —"If you attempt to squeeze any solid body it will always resist pressure." Class smiles and cites examples of exceptions which prove the rule. "Why is it?" exclaimed a lecturer; "why is it that this age is full of falsehood ?" "Because so many words have to pass through false teeth," cried an auditor. An lowa man was fined ten dollars for squeezing a woman's thumb. "At that rate," observes the Wilmington News, " Nobody but a millionaire could afford to put an arm around her waist." A writer in a scientific monthly asks : *' What is a meter ?" An opinion has long prevailed that a meter is a contrivance that works twenty-soven hours a clay eight days a week the year round; and when you resolve to economise in the use of gas it throws in a couple of extra hours daily -without charge. In the following epitaph there is a true American ring, a genuine Yankee humour. This ono is on a Robert Gordon, who was blessed by Nature with an immense mouth : Hero lies the body of Robert Gordon, Mouth almighty, and teeth accordin' ; Stranger, tread lightly over this wonder, If ho opens his mouth, you're gone, by thunder! " Mamma, what's that ?" asked a little four-year old in a houso in Warren-street, as the lightning flashed last Thursday evening. "That's lightning my son," said his mother. "Is that what hit my papa tho other night?" _ "Why, your papa never was struck by lightning," replied his mother. " Why do you ask such v question?" "Because when papa came homo the other night you said he looked although he'd been struck by lightning, and he'd better go and sleep on the sofa if lie waa going to keep his boots on." "And you say that you arc innocent of the charge of stealing a rooster from Mr Jones ?" asked an Arkansaw Judge of a meek-looking prisoner. "Yes, sir, I am innocent; as innocent as a child." "You are confident that you did not steal tho rooster from Mr Jones ? " " Yes, sir, and lean prove it." "I can prove that I didn't steal Mr Jones' rooster, Judge, because I stole two hens from Mr Graston the samo night, and Jones lived five miles from Graston's." "The proof is con.

clnsiA-e," said the Judge. "Discharge the

prisoner." This anecdote comes from Scotland: Tavo fishermen, Jamie and Sandy, belated and befogged on a rough Avater, Avere in some trepidation lest they should ncA-er get ashore again. At last Jamie said: "Sandy, I'm steering, and I think you'd better put up a bit of prayer." Sandy said: "I don't know how." Jamie said : "If ye don't I'll just chuck ye overboard." Sandy began : '"Oh, Lord, I never asked anything of Ye for fifteen years, and if Yell only get us safe back I'll never trouble Ye again.' "AVhisht, Sandy," said Jamie, "the boat's touched tho shore; don't be beholden to anybody." "You mustn't touch the top of _ tho baby's head," said a mother to her little four-year-old; "she has a soft spot there that 'is A-ery tender." The youngster gazed at it curiously for a moment and then asked, "Do all babies have soft spots on their head?" "Yes." "Did papa have a soft spot on the top of his head Avhen he Avas a baby?" "Yes," replied the mother with a sigh, "and he has got it yet." And the old man, AA'ho had overheard the conversation from an adjoining- room, sang out: "Yes, indeed' he has, my dear boy, or ho would be a single man to-day."