FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3678, 28 April 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Pat says the cloture is like an umbrella, because it shuts up at convenience, and is brought into use during Liberal reign.

"A reputashun," says Josh Billings, '' once broken may possibly be repaired, but the world Avill always keep their eyes on the spot where the krack was." Amateur Preacher: (waxing Avarm) "Oh! brethren, brethren! what can Ido to move you r" Voice in crowd: Shut up, and scramble some coppers, old man."

An actuary gave a student the following advice : " Hoav to become practically acquainted with the ride of three." Live with your wife, mother, and mother-in-law. Said a pompous husband to his wife who had stolen up behind and given him a kiss : "Madam," I consider such ;iu act indecorous." "Excuse mo," said the wife; " I didn't know it was you."

" Excuse this bit of sarcasm," said Smith to Jones, " but I must say that you are an infamous liar and scoundrel." " Pardon this bit of iroiii/, , ' said Jones to Smith, as he knocked him over with a poker.

Landlady (to boarder who has passed his cup six times) : '' You are very fond of coffee, Mr Smith." Mr Smith: "Yes, ma'am, it looks as if I was, when I am willing to swallow so much water for the sake of getting a little."

Mr Milner Stephen is said to have forwarded a cablegram condoling the Queen on the'late accident. Her leg , has been constantly rubbed with the cablegram, and by -[atest advices you may see she is better. More joy for Steve ! —Society.

A man recently died from swallowing his pocket-knife, and injudicious medical treatment combined. He got along very nicely so long as the knife was closed, but when the doctor gave him opening medicine it killed him.

An Irishman wanting to buy a stoA'e, was looking over a stock in a store. The dealer in praising a certain stove said, '' If you buy one of these stoves, you Avill save half the coal you -would otherwise use." "Faith," said Pat, "then I'd better take two stoves, and save all the coal."

During a recent performance of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet," the fair Juliet's question in the soliloquy, before taking the sleeping draught, " what if this mixture do not work at all 'r" was answered by an urchin in the pit with, " Then take a close of pills !"

A coloured porter in an Austin store asked the proprietor for a day's leave of absence. " What's up now ?" " Dar's a niggah gwinc tcr get married, and I oughter be present to sec him fru." " Who is this coloured' man at whose wedding you have to be present "r" "I'se de niggah, boss."

First Alpine Tourist: " I siy, Will, are you asleep "r" Second Tourist: "Asleep? No, I should think not! Hang it, how they bite !" First Tourist: "Try my dodge. Light your pipe and blow clouds under the clothes. They let go directly. There's a lot perched on the foot-board of my bed now—coughing like mad."

"That, boy -will make a very popular preacher," said a father, pointing- to his eight-year-old son, who was kissing his little i'emale companion. "What makes you think so ? " asked the mother. " Why, can't yovi sec for yourself 'i " was the roply; " so yoiuiy, and yet so fond of the girls." An Iritfltfu.au. once tried to shoot it little

chirping bird with an old Queen Anne musket. He fired. The bird with a chirrup or two new away unconcerned in the foreground and Pat was swiftly and noiselessly laid on his spine in the background. Picking himself up and shaking his fist at the bird, ho exclaimed: "Be jabbers! ye wouldn't a chirruped if ye'dbeen at this md of the gun." " Look here ! " said he, "I dell you vat it is, you petter don't dake nonstock in dem weader bredictions. Dose beople don't know nodiug. They can't tell no petter as I can." "But, my dear sir," said a person present, " they foretold the storm we just encountered." " Veil, datishzo," replied the German, contemplatively, "but I dell you vat it is, dat shtorm would have come yust dc same if it had not been bredicted. "Heart-disease," said Jemmie, as he assisted Patrick to up-end a barrel of cement, "heart-disease is one of the worst diseases. Some people never knoAV they have it till they dhrop down dead." "Thrue for you, Jemmie," replied Patrick ; "and those people who know that they have it have to be inoighty careful wid themselves. I knew a man wanst that had it, and he was always obliged to dhrop work about five minutes before he felt it

coming on." A correspondent of Modem Society vouches for the truth of the following story. —Some young ladies at school agreed to give an entertainment at Christmas. The" mistress was not to know what the things were. It Avcnt off beautifully. Charade: Ist Scene.—A young couple engaged. 2nd Scene.—The Marriage. 3rd Scene.—The delivery of a telegram calling him away to India. N.B. Interval of five years. Ist Scene.—Ho comes home and produces tusks, skins, and great riches, &c. &c. She then throws aside a curtain and displays five little beds containing babies, and says : "See, I too, dear Charles, have not been idle."