FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3626, 24 February 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

The reason the man exploded AA-ith laughter was probably because he did'nt know he was loaded. AVhy is the letter it like a faithless lover : —Because it is sure to be in constant.—yea, doubly so. A small boy, five years old: "Oh, mother, it is hot; I'm half a little oven, and half a little pond." " AVhy should we celebrate AVashington's birthday more than miner" asked a teacher. "Because he never told a lie," shouted a little boy." An aged negro was recently shoAving the scars of Avounds inflicted by the lash Avhenhe Avasaslave. " AVhat a picture I" exclaimed a sympathising looker-on.— "Yes," responded the coloured brother, "dats de Avork oh de ole masters." "Sambo, Avhat do you suppose is the reason that the sun goes towards the south in the Avater !"—" A Veil, I don't knenv, massa, unless he no stand de climate ob do norf, and so am 'bliged to go to de souf, Avhere he 'spcriences Avarmer longitude." An honest Roman, of very con.et habits, aa-lio Avas told that if lie smoked one cigar less a day for two years he could save enough money, principal and interest, to buy a good farm, has made himself sick as death evenday for the past lavo Aveeks, trying to learn to smoke. Thus is the path of honest industry beset Avith difficulties. A Ncav Yorker in London becoming bored by tho talk about English pedestrianisrn, and especially about the AValking abiliticsof English girls and women, declared that " when you come to right down steady going, the American Avomen can ride more miles in the street cars Avithout getting tired than any other handsome creatures in the Avorld." An old lady in the country had a dandy from the city to dine Avith her on a certain occasion. For dessert there happened to be an enormous apple pie. "Ea, ma'am," said he, "lioav do you manage to handle such a pie!'" "Easy enough," Avas the reply; " we make the crust up in a Avheelbarrow, Avheel it under the apple tree, and then shake the fruit doivn into it." A one-legged Yankee orator named Jones was pretty successful in bantering an Irishman, AvllL'U the latter asked him : "How did you come to lose your leg:" " AVell," said Jones "on examining my pedigree, and looking up my descent, I found that there Avas some Irish blood iv me, and becoming conA-iioed that it had settled in my left leg, 1 had it cut oil' at once." "Be the powers," said Pat, " It Avould have been a good thing had it settled in your head." Address to a Barber.—"l want a close shave. lamin a hurry. Do not put any oil or grease upon my hair. I never use bay rum or cosmetics. Please comb my hair up and back. Ido not wish my hair trimmed or cut. I do not ivant any hairtonic or skin medicine. Ido not want any shainpo or a bath. I have not heard the latest news from Egypt, nor do I Avant to. I care nothing for politics, or crime, or society. Ido not care for stock or market reports. I am not a stranger in the city and I am not going to the hall this evening. I am a professor iv a deaf and dumb institute and lam glad of it. Go ahead and and shave me."

The editor of a religious paper was complaining that people Avould rrct read his editorials, and a sly old brother remarked: " I can Avrite an article for your paper, and I Avarrant you that nearly every man and AA-oman aa-lio sees the paper Avili read it." " On Avhat subject AA"ill you Avrite it:" " It makes no difference; let it be a sermon on any subject you may dictate." "Do you mean to say that your sermon Avill possess unusual interest':" "No, it Avill be commonplace." "Then Avhy will people, particularly women, read it:" "Because I Avill head it 'A Scandal irr High Life.' "

A drunken man Avas swaying unsteadily in the street. Avhen a dog Avith a tin pan tied to its tail, ran between his legs. The collision avus so forcible that the man Avas upset, and the dog ran on, minus a piece of its tail. The man got up beivildered, rubbed the bruised end of his spinal column, picked up the dog's tail and thus soliloquized: This is unfortunate. Newer before suspected I had such a thing as a tail till I go and fall down and break it off. Might make a fortune zibitiug myself as man Avith tail.. Ther'd been millions in it—millions in it. Just my luck. Whenever I get a good thing it's always gone before I rind it out." A negro planter came to Vicksburg the other day, sold his cotton, put Ids money in his pocket, aud started doAvn tlie river. Leaning too far over the guards of the boat as it backed out, he fell overboard. His portmonnaic, Avhich Avas in his side pocket, fell out and rode Avitli his hat on the surface of the water, Avliilo the current carried the negro aAvay. The yaivl Avas lowered and assistance at once started toivards the droAA-ning man, Avho, perceiving his treasure floating off, raised Ms voice and shouted: ' Save dat pocketbook !' His head Avent under aud ho disappeared. As he rose up again, he grasped: 'Par's §185 in dat pocket-

book !' Scarcely had he uttered the words before he sank a second time. The yawl came within reach just in time to save the droAvning African, as he came to the surface for the last time. As soon as the water Avas Aviped from his rrose and mouth so that he could speak, he said : ' Did—did you save dat pocketbook :' ' No,' Avas the response. ' AVell, den, said the negro regretfully 'AA'hat de debble was de use of savin' me ?'