FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3557, 2 December 1882, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Nonpareil looks bigger than Pica when you see your name in the reports of a police court. A contemporary asks: ' Would thehcavens fall if justice were done ?' Probably they would from sheer astonishment. By the ancient law of Hungary, a man convicted of bigamy was condemned to live with both wives in the same house ; tho crime was, in consequence, extremely rare. ' What have you been doing since I last saw ye ?' 'I have been attending a course of free lectures.' ' A course of free lectures ?' ' Yes, I was married a week after we parted.' ' Mother, what have people got noses for ?' asked an Austin child of her mother, who had seen better clays. 'To turn up at poor folks, my child,' was the cynical response. Two Irishmen were lamenting the illness of a friend who had been much brought down of late. ' It's dreadful wake he is and thin, sure ; he's as thin as the pair of us put together ?' one of tho sympathisers observed.

An Irishman (twin brother to the one who swore ' By the powers, he'd never go into the wather till he could swim ') once putting on a new pair of boots, remarked, ' Sure and sartin, I'll niver bo able to git on these infarnal boots till I've worn 'em at laist a wake.'

Two Irishmen who often mado a night of ifc over a whisky bottle were late one evening at their usual occupation. At length says one, seeing the supply finished : ' Arc ye goin' to bed to-night, or maybe yer' goin' to sit up till to-morrow morning, as ye did last night ? ' We should rot be surprised if half-a-dozen young swells think the following advice applies to them : —•' What Would you do if you were I and I were you ?' tenderly inquired a young swell of his lady friend, as he escorted her home from church. ' Well,' said she, ' if I were you I would throw away that vile cigarette, cut up my cane for firewood, wear my watch-chain under my coat, and stay at homo at nights and pray for brains.'