METHODS IN POLITICAL LIFE.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3556, 1 December 1882, Page 4

METHODS IN POLITICAL LIFE.

' Are you the editor ?' said a man who wore a conciliatory smile and dyed beard, as he took a seat in the office.

We acknowledged that at present we served and instructed the public in that capacity, and, to prove our assertion, we showed him the blisters made on our hands by our exertion in operating the Archimedian lever that moves the world.

' Well, I want you to surprise me with a flattering personal notice in your paper. I am going to run for constable, and I want something neat in the way of a send-off.' ' Our columns are always open to advance the best interests of the public, but we shall expect you to first surprise us with a pecuniary compensation, not necessary for publication, but merely as a pledge of good faith.'

1 I'll pay. A man can't expect to be surprised without; paying for it in advance. What have you got ?' 'Wo can accommodate you with almost any kind of personal notice, from a cheap electro-plated biography to an eighteen carat obituary, and at u> scale of prices varying according to the strain on our columns and veracity. In moulding public opinion vre defy competition. Now, how would you like this ? It is a neat little pre-Kaphaelite gem, and will cost you only one dollar fifty cents :

'Our enterprising townsman, Colonel ■B , than whom there ia no more popular and genial a gentleman in the length and breadth of our great Empire State, has consented, at the earnest solicitation of many friends, to sacrifice his very profitable business to the public good, and has authorised us to announce him a candidate for the honorable office of constable of the precinct.' ' If that is not strong enough, here is a Michael Angelo, full length, in which your full qualities of head and heart will be touchingly alluded to, and you wil be commended for your generous impulses—on two dollars fifty cents each insertion. Then wo have a brilliant thing, after Mozarfc, which is really intended for gubernatorial candidates —speaks of your jeans clothes, and pay-as-you-go proclivities; but it can bo easily

modified to suit a prospective constable. It will cost you three dollars. There are several others, from two dollars to ten dollars each. For referring to you as an ' old landmark,' one dollar extra is charged.' ' I reckon you can saw me off three dollars' worth, but you must throw in something about my brilliant war record. , ' We always do that. ,

' And just wind up by surprising Captain Bill Smike. He is running againt me. I wouldn't say anything he might take offence at. Only say that he is not fit for the office, because he has a breath like a buzzard and the record of a convict. You might add that my brother hasn't got a wife that has fits ; that will hit him where he is sore, for his brother's wife is subject to fits. I don't care to lug my personalities into this campaign, unless I am obliged to.' 'We can't do it, colonel. Your rival is our personal friend. He is a subscriber.' ' Pshaw ! I thought you were running an independent paper, in the interest of the people, but I see you are the subsidized organ of a political clique,' and off he went to see the editor of the other paper.