FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3528, 28 October 1882, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

'Variety is the spice of life,' but there's such a thing as a variety show being too spicy. Mr Bright, since his resignation, has abjured peas. He says the shells remind him too forcibly of Alexandria. A Debating Society in Cornwall is discussing the question whether the last snow was a foot deep or twelve inches high. 'Doctor, examine my tongue, , said a good woman, ' and tell me what it needs.'—' It needs rest,' replied the doctor. ' I want a little change,' said a wife to her husband.—' Well,' was the heartless response, ' just wait for it. Time brings change to everybody.' A Frenchman, by way of giving expression to his love of nature, exclaimed, ' O madame, I like ze cows, ze horses, ze sheep, and anyzing else that is beastly.' A high-church parson asked a low-church parson : —' Do you have matins in your church ?' The latter replied, ' Oh, dear, no, —katnptulicon right up to the communiontable. In reply to ' Sopronia's ' question, c What is philosophy ?' The Louisville Journal answers, ' It is something that enables a rich man to say there is no disgrace in being poor.'

' Syracuse has a female architect,' reports a Western paper, whereupon a blighted one writes—'London hasn't a female architect, but she has more than one designing woman.' Morse, who invented the telegraph, and Bell, the inventor of the telephone, both had deaf-mute wives. Little comment is necessary ; but just see what a man can do when everything is qniet ! A woman in California confessed to her husband on her dying lied that she loved another, and was forgiven. She ultimately recovered, and he is nOw suing for a divorce. She pleads that he condoned the offence, and he answers it was only on condition of her dying, and she broke the contract. Among the replies to an advertisement of a music committee for ' a candidate as organist, music-teacher,' &c, was the following : ' Gentlemen, —I noticed your advertisement for an organist and musicteacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years, I offer you my services.' ' Ma,' she said, confidingly, '' Henry has asked me to many him.'—'And you consented ? ' was the query —' No,' was the reply, ' I didn't, and neither did I reject him. If I can keep him on the string until Christmas he'll make me a handsome present to induce me to say ' Yes. , You know I've been wanting a gold watch this long lime.'