DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 32, Issue 160, 1 April 1939, Page 6 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

“Is your father always as glum as this?" "By no means. lie laughs twice a year—spring and autumn when the women's new hats come in." “Do you like this pie, darling?” "It’s delicious, dearest. Tell me. did you buy it all by yourself?” » v V Radio Expert: “Tlie moon throws back the wireless waves from the earth. ’ Radio Listener: "1 don’t blame it!” * ♦ • Mistress (to maid giving notice): “Why do you want to leave? Haven’t we always treated you like one of the family ?’’ Maid: "Yes. ami 1 don't intend to put up with it any longer.” The reporter was interviewing a prosperous soap manufacturer. “It is a well-known fact,” he said, "that you made your fortune out of soap. Mr. Lather. Now. to what do you attribute your success?” “To clean living, my friend : to clean living,” was the reply. s> * * It was a secluded corner, calm, cool, and restful. In the distance could be heard the strains of a dance band. The very air breathed romance.

“Do you realize what it would mean if I were to give you a beautiful diamond ring?” he asked, softly. She thought she knew, but instead of saying so she cooed: “W bat—what would it mean?” “It would mean,” he said, “that I should have to live oil fourpenuy lunches and wear my old clothes for a • vcar '” 4 . o ,

A young Lancashire couple had moved from their country cottage into a modern Council house. All their goods and chattels arrived safely with the exception of the rainwater butt. After the wife had pleade'd with her husband (hat this was an asset to her household, he said he would go and get it that, evening.

As he had not arrived home at 12.30 a.in. his wife became worried. Ac 1.15 a.m. the back gale slammed and there was a dull thud. In a few seconds the door opened to reveal a dishevelled and perspiring husband, who remarked: —

"Ee. lass, ’A’ve 'ad job wit’ loob. Thee didn't tell me it were full o' waiter."

Wishing to dispose of dog lor a while, as he was going into the country, .-I man went lo the local S.I’.C.A. centre. "Could you sell this dog for £10.000?” lie a-Led.

"Uul, man, no dog's worth that, much.” was the reply of the amazed a genl.

But the other insisted. Some weeks later he returned ami. asking about his dog. was lol'd it had already been bought.

"Do yon really mean you got cash?” he inquired. "Well, uot exactly,” said the agent. “You see, I exchanged it for two £5OOO cats.”

"George Washington sewed,” said the principal, "and do you consider yourself better than George Washington?” "I don't know; time will tell.” said the boy, seriously.

"But, darling.” he argued, gently, -I’ve told you before that it. is economically unsound to spend your money before you get it.” "Ob. I don’t know, dear,” site answered. “If you don’t get it-—at least you’ve bad something for your money.”

A visitor was talking to one of the unfortunate inmates of an asylum. “And so you say your are George Washington? The last time T was here you said you were Napoleon." “So I was.” came the reply. "But that was by my first, wife.”

The financier's daughter threw her arms around the neck of the bride-groom-to-be. “Oh, Walter.” she said, "dad’s going to give us tt cheque for a present 1” “Good!” said Walter. “Then we'll have the wedding at noon instead of two o’clock 1” “But why, dear?” “The banks close at three!”

At a target practice of a company of Territorials the captain swaggered up to the latest recruit ami proceeded to give some instructions about his gun.

“See here, my man, this thing is a rifle. Here is the barrel, there’s the stock. You slip the cartridge in there. Now you put the weapon to your shoulder. These little things on the barrel are the sights. When you have taken accurate aim. pull this little thing, which is the trigger. Now remember what I have told you. Smarten up and look more like a soldier. By the way, what is your business? A clerk, I suppose?” “No, sir,” was the reply. “I’m a gunsmith.”

The squire showed his guest into his bedroom. “I hope you’re not nervous, old chap,” he said, “but this room is supposed to be haunted.”

“Haunted!” exclaimed the guest. What by?”

“A wraith—a spectre!” replied the squire. "A w-w-what?” cried Ibe other. "A wraith—a spectre,” repeated the host.

The guest, gave a deep sigh of relief, and lhe colour returned to ids cheeks. “Oh, that's all right!” he said at last. "At first I. thought you said a rate collector.”

The bus conductor had not noticed Hie hole in the threepenny hit until lie had gone well down lhe bus. After he bad finished collecting be returned to the culprit. "Here, sir,” be said, thrusting the coin before the man, "what's this?” "What's what?” asked the fare, calmly.

"This threepenny bit,” said the conductor. “Look, it’s got. a hole in it.”

“Well, what about it?” said the other. “So bag the ticket you gave me.”