DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 31, Issue 142, 12 March 1938, Page 8 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

Doctor: I will examine you for two A certain citizen had been arrested guineas.” for illicitly selling whisky. As be Patient: “Go ahead. If you find it stood in the dock the colour of his I’ll give you half.” nose was evident to all spectators. * ♦ ♦ The prisoner’s counsel stood up. “Look at the 'defendant,” lie said. “Can you honestly say he looks like a man who would sell whisky if he had it?” In less than a minute the jury returned their verdict—not guilty.

".Mary, how is it the eggs are sometimes boiled soft and sometimes quite hard?”

“Well, mum. I’m sure I don’t know. I puts them in regular as the clock strikes eight, and I takes them out without fail when I hears the down train go by.”

The piano salesman knocked at the door of a flat on the third floor. A husky stevedore answered. “Would you be interested in buying a baby grand piano?” asked the salesman.

“So you think you can stand the arduous duties of a film-actor?” asked the manager. “In this business, you know, it’s not at all an uncommon thing for an actor to he thrown down a thirty-foot flight of stairs into a barrel of water.”

“Where is it?” growled the dock worker.

“My dear man,” smiled the salesman, “you didn’t expect me to carry a piano with me, did you?” “That’s the trouble with you whitecollar guys,” sneered the stevedore. “You think you’re too good to do a little manual labour.”

“Oh, I can stand that,’’ replied the applicant. “I was collector in an easypayment furniture shop for four years.”

The telephone bell rang in the guest’s room. The hotel desk clerk was on the wire.

A well-dressed woman was charged with stealing goods from a largo store. It seemed an obvious case of kleptomania, and the magistrate, who was inclined to be lenient, asked the prisoner if she had anything to say on her behalf.

“Good morning, sir,” was his cheery greeting. “It’s exactly eight o’clock—and time to get up.” “Yeah?” grunted the sleepy guest. “What for?” The clerk was taken aback. “Don’t ask me,” he returned. “You’re the one who left wortl to be awakened at this hour.” “What kind of a reason is that?’’ the guest shouted. “After all, who am I?”

“Well, sir,” she sai'd hopefully, “I only take British goods.’’

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman were in the hotel bar. After several drinks they began an intense discussion as to what nationality each might have belonged to had he not been born what he was!

A doctor was called in to attend a man. Having done all he could for the time being, he told the patient’s wife to take her husband’s temperature in the morning. On the following day, when the doctor called, he asked her if she had done what he told her. “Well, we hadn’t a thermometer in the house,” she said, “but I put the barometer on his chest an'd it registered ‘Very Dry,’ so I gave him a pint of beer and he’s gone to work.”

“Noo, Tommy,” the Scot asked the Englishman, “had ye no been an Englishman, what would ye ha’e bin?”

“I’d have been a Scot,” said Tommy. “And what would you have been, Jock, if you hadn’t been born in Scotland?” “Och, mon, I’d ha’e been an Englishman,” was the reply. “An’ you, Pat —tell us what ye’d ha’e been?”

“Sure,” said Pat, “an’ if Oi’d not been born an Oirishman Oi’d have been ashamed o’ myself.”