PICKLES

Dominion, Volume 27, Issue 146, 17 March 1934, Page 18

PICKLES

An old lady, while travelling by train in London, called the guard at Vauxhall station and made the complaint that a man in her carriage was mad. “I’m sure he’s mad.” said she. “He’s gibbering to himself in the corner, and keeps on saying that he’s Napoleon.”’ “Oh. don't you worry about that, mum,” replied the guard. “Next station’s Waterloo 1” ♦ * * Gushing Young Thing: “It was wonderful of you to drop ten thousand feet in a parachute. Do tell me your sensation.” Bored Aviator : “Oh —er —it was just a kind of sinking feeling.” ♦ ♦ ♦ Mrs. Higgins and Mrs. Brown after a quarrel were making up at the ladies’ bar. “Well, Mrs. ’lggins,” said Mrs. Brown, “I bears yer no malice.” She raised her glass. “So ’ere’s lookin’ at yer, an’ ’eaven knows that’s a heffort 1” ■* * * “How is it the biscuits are so hard this morning, Mandy?” “I’s sorry, ma’am, but Ah ain’t feeling right pert this mawnin.’ My system’s kinda run down, so I eat the only yeast cake that was in the house.’’ • » • “So you think you would be a suitable valet for me,’’ said the old man to the applicant. “I must remind you that I’m pretty much of a wreck. I have a glass eye. a cork leg, an artificial arm that needs looking after, not to mention a wig and false teeth.” “That w’Oiild be all right, sir,” responded the other. ”1 have plenty of practice. You see, I once worked in the assembly-room of a big motor concom,”

A general and a colonel were walking down the street. They met many privates, and each time the general took the salute he would mutter, “The same to you.” The colonel's curiosity soon got the better of him, and he asked: “Why do you always say that?’’ The general answered : “I was once a private, and I know what they are thinking.’’ * * * Wrecked Motorist (opening his eyes) : I had the right of way, didn’t I? Bystander: Yes, but the other fellow had a motor lorry. * ♦ ♦ “Did my medicine do any good?” “A wonderful remedy, doctor. I took three spoonfuls and my cough went; I rubbed three spoonfuls into my knee for rheumatism, and the rest we used to .clean the silver.” » » * An old negro, taken ill, summoned a physician of his own race. After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man’s pulse, and then examined his tongue. “Did your other doctor take your temperature?” he asked. “I don’t know, boss,” replied the sick negro. “I haven’t missed anything but my watch as yet”

Nurse: "I think he’s regaining consciousness, doctor; he tried to blow the foam off his medicine." ♦ * • During the filming of “Napolebii” someone remarked to Ricardo Cortez that the movie ought to have a happy ending. “They’re giving it one,” Ric retorted, “They’re letting Napoleon win the Battle of Waterloo.” Murphy had been careless with the blasting powder, and Duffy was delegated to break the news. '"Mrs Murphy,” said he. "isn’t it terflay the feller calls for the paymint, of Murphy’s life insurance?” “Shure it is," answered the spouse. "Wull, now a wor-rd in yer ear,” said Duffy; “shure ye can snap yer fingers at the feller ter-day” ♦ ♦ ♦ He had rather liked the look of her, and suggested a run in his car. When they had gone a few miles, the girl said: “Now, before we drive any farther, ] want you to understand that I don’t flirt, so don’t try to hold my hand or kiss me. Is that quite clear?” The young man gulped and said, “Yes.” ‘ “Now,” said the girl, brightly, “since that is «ettled and done with, where shall we go.” He munnured t “Home.”

A party of tourists were enjoying the wonders of the Grand Canyon. A native passing by was asked by the driver of the car: "I say. can you tell us what caused this terrible gorge?” “Well, they say a • Scotchman once owned a ranch near here, and one day he lost a golf ball down a hole." »* . * A member of Parliament met his tailor in the street one day. - "Did you get the bill I sent you, sir?” the tailor asked. “Oh, yes,’’ replied the M.P. in his best Parliamentary manner, "it has received its first reading.” » ♦ • He had gone into the library to put the question to his father, and she was anxiously waiting on the front porch. “Well,” said the suitor, when he returned, “lie asked me how I was fixed, and I told him I had £5OO in the bank.” “Yes, yes," she said excitedly, "and whati did he say to that?" “He borrowed it.” “Mr. Jones,” began the timid-looking young man,, “er —ah—that is, can—er — I —will you—’.’ “Why, yes, my boy, you may have her,”. smj]ed the girl’s father. The young man gasped. “What’s that? Have whom? he asked. “My daughter, of course,’ replied Jones. “That’s what you mean. You want to marry her, don’t you?" “Why, no.” said the young man. "I just wanted to know if you could lend UIO , “Certainly not I" said Jones, sharply. “Why, I hardly know you.”