XMAS CRACKERS

Dominion, Volume 27, Issue 70, 15 December 1933, Page 30 (Supplement)

XMAS CRACKERS

Christmas Visions .When we set the yule-log blazing, And the children dance with glee, 'At fair visions they are gazing, But they’re blind to what I see. They all glimpse a fire-fairy Dancing up the chimney-flue, While I'm seeing January, 1. When the Christmas bills fall due. After Meals In the midst of the Christmas revels there came a knock on the front door. The lady of the house went to see who was there, and found a doleful-looking tramp standing on the step, with a bottle of medicine in his hand. “I’m very sorry to trouble you, ma’am,” he said, bolding up the bottle, “but the doctor has ordered me medicine, and I ain't got nothing to take it with,” The lady of the house was sympathetic. “Oh, I sec.” she said. “What you want is a spoon and some water, I presume?” The ragged one smiled , sadly. “Not exactly, ma'am.” he said. “But the label on the bottle says the medicine must be taken after meals, and, as I ain’t ’ad a 'bite since yesterday. I was ’oping perhaps you might ’ave a chunk o’ cold turkey ileft over.” ( Not Likely 1 Accused: I don’t understand the question. , Judge: He means, just tell the Court what happened. i? “Indeed, I won’t! What do you suppose I pleaded not guilty for?” A Few for Interest Mike Murphy, who lived on a farm, bent his friend, Jimmy O'Brien, who lived in town, a crate of chickens’for a Christinas present. < “Did you get the chickens?” asked Mike the next time he saw Jimmy. “Some of 'em,” answered Jimmy. “After I got ’em from the station they got but of the crate, and I was two hours scourin' the neighbourhood and then only got ten.” “Sh—sb —sh, Jimmy! Not so loud, I only sent ye six.” * Personal Views Hotel Manager : "Here are some photographs which give very good views of the hotel if you'd like to take them away with you, sir, as a reminder of your Christy bias vacation." Departing Guest: “No, thank you. I have my own views of the hotel which I am going to take away with me for the benefit of my friends.” All Are Welcome! The colonel’s wife sent the following bote to Captain Green: — “Colonel and Mrs. Brown request the pleasure of Captain Green’s company to dinner on Christmas Day." Captain Green’s reply gave her a shock. It read as follows:— “With the exception of four men on leave and two men in the guardroom. Captain Green’s company have great pleasure in accepting your invitation.” Too “Flighty”

I've parted -from my Mary Jane — A maid divinely fair, For since she's bought an aeroplane Her nose is in the air. She seems a different girl to me. ! She's much too high and .mighty; Besides, I cannot love, you see, A lassie who is “flighty!" Long and Short of It The customer watched the butcher c weighing the Christmas joint. “I wish you would not give me such bliort weight for my money,” she complained. “And I wish you would not give me such a long wait for mine,” returned the tradesman. ' We have now reached the period of the year when presents make the heart grow fonder. “What does the average man want with h solid silver sigarette lighter?” demands h writer. Matches. " It’s a wise child that knows its own father —in a white beard and red dress-ing-gown. ! J “Only love can make the world go . round,” we are told. What about those 1 Strong Christmas cigars? 1 Mistletoe is expected to be very plentiful this season. Holly, also, wifi doubt- ■ less be up to scratch. 1

A little boy had been extremely Eaughty during Christmas dinner, and his father told him to go to bed, and he would come up a little later and settle account with him. Before getting into bed the child knelt down and said: “Please. >. God, if you really * want to help a little boy in trouble, now’s your chance.”

Dad Was Wrong Mother, to small son, during Christmas dinner: “No, Jimmie, for the third time I tell you that you cannot have any more dessert.” Jimmie: “All right: but I don’t see where Dad gets the idea that you’re always changing your mind.” Twopenny Plungers Sandy’s “dead cert” for the Boxing Day meeting had failed. He was miserable over his loss. “Don't take it so badly, Sandy. What if you have lost your shilling?” said the bookie cheerfully. “It's no mcself I’m thinkin’ on,” replied Sandy, “but there were six of us in it.” Last Straw It was a great shock to Percy Softleigh when he caught his best friend in the act of kissing his (Percy’s) sweetheart under the mistletoe. “Well, Harry,” he said, “I never expected this of you. After all the years we’ve been chums and the many times I’ve been a friend to you. I’m more than surprised?’ Then his voice got louder, and he began to show signs of anger. “And stop kissing her while I’m talking to you !’’ he hissed. Mighty Poor Chance Bittle Milton came home from Sundayschool with a mite box. “Why do they call it a mite box. mother?” asked Milton. “Because,” chirped in his brother, “you might put something in it and you might not.” t Most Disturbing The vicar looked across the breakfast table at his wife. “You know, my dear,” he said, “this business of women masquerading as men is very disturbing. Even I am not free from suspicion. Here is a letter addressed to me as ‘Dear Sir or Madam? ” Retort Courteous A nervous woman passenger on a crowded Christmas train, as a climax to a hundred foolish questions, asked the harassed guard: “Why do you wave your hand when you want the train to start?” “Oh," replied the . tormented man, “when I wave my hand that means get to blazes out of here.” Someone who overheard the guard’s answer warned him that the nervous woman was the wife of a director. “Phew!” exclaimed the guard. “I’d better apologise.” He paused nt the woman’s seat, took off his hat. and began an apology. She didn’t say anything. She just waved her hand! Looking Ahead They were married at the beginning of December, and the twenty-fifth was approaching. “You know, little wife," he said one evening, “we mustn’t have any secrets from each other, must we, sweet one?” “No, darling,” she whispered. “So,” he continued, “I want you to tell me how much you intend spending on a Christmas present for me. so that I can calculate how much money I shall have left to buy one for yon.”

The Rest Was . .. ! The Jones family life was one of strict routine. Even on Christmas Eve there was no relaxation. From six-thirty to seven every evening was father's half hour, when the whole family subsided into unbroken silence, while father- read the evening paper. At six-thirty precisely, little Joan dashed into the room. “Oh ! mummy, mummy, the ” / “Joan, Joan, quiet please, you know that this daddy’s half-hour!” “Yes, but, mummy ” “Joan, if you cannot be quiet, you must go to bed at six in future.” Joan subsided. Half an hour later: , “Now, dear, what did you wish to , say?” “Well, mummy, the bath’s full of water. Johnny’s slopped up the waste > pipe with cotton wool, and the tap's t broken I” \ Never Say Dye t R..,gie gathered her fair form into his J arms and stared happily at the moon. It 1 seemed too good to be true! Evelyu c loved him, nnd had just said so! s “And will you still love me, dearest,” j he breathed, “when the years have turned your lovely hair to grey?” , She shuddered. 1 “Good gracious" she gasped, “I’d dve a first." o

Whiskers Are Cheaper Pat and Jock were spending Christmas 1 in London. During a tour of the shops in j the West End they came to an expensivelooking barber's. I “Razors!” exclaimed Pat. “You want one. don’t you?” “Ay.” said the Scot, peering through the glass. “There’s a beauty-there for twenty- < five bob,” said the Irishman, “and there's . another for thirty bob. Which would you sooner have?” < “A beard,” said Jock, walking off. Complete Control , Mr. Spinks had bought a new radio for i Christmas. | “How many controls are there on your radio set?” a neighbour asked. . “Three," was the doleful reply. “My mother-in-law, my wife, and my daughter.” They Took the Hint “Are yon still bothered by those relatives of yours who coine down from town and stay over Christmas, and never invite you in return?” asked Mrs. Smith. “No,” snid the unfortunate victim, “they finally took the hint.” “What did you say to them?” asked Mrs. Smith eagerly. “Nothing was said.” explained the other, “but we served sponge cake with every meal while they were here.” The ‘‘Cold” Shoulder “I say. Joan,” said the young man, full of confidence. “I’ve just been thinking how jolly it would be if we two got married before Christmas. Any objections?” “Dough,” replied the young lady at once. He reached for his hat and made for the door. “H’m,” he replied, “I might have known you’d have thought of that snag first." He departed into the night, while she, poor girl—witli a cold in her bead —wondered why he left when she had accepted him. lltlltlllllllHllillllltllllfUUllltlllUUllUllliillllllllltlllllllUlilKlllll

There is a case of a former ■ hockey player who now uses his old shin-guards when he plays bridge with his wife. “Some facetious members of the congregation,” said the vicar, “have been i nthe habit of potting buttons in the plate. May I suggest that, in view of a recent arrival at the vicarage, they substitute safetypins?" ~

The True Version Little Bo Beep, she lost her sheep, And to say they returned is a fable, For now the whole flock in a furrier's stock, Is on view with the label “Sable.” Motoring Epitaphs Ed. Smith is lost to. earthly wiles. He took a curve at fifty miles. O'er Mike O’Toole they've now said Mass, He reached for his brake, but stepped ou the gas. Here lie the bodies of both the Drakes, They trusted too much in their 4-wheel brakes. Inventors, Take Note! 'Most any golfer, poor or rich, Would never count the cost, Could he but buy a golf ball which Would bark when it was lost. A ‘‘Domestic” Tragedy A young serving-maiden, named Kate, One morning did sleep rather late; Wood for fire rather green, Added some paraffine, Done in oil, framed in oak, was her fate. iHiiiiiiiKiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinniiiniiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiixiiiiiiiii

Under the Mistletoe They met under the mistletoe on Christmas eve. "Do you know,” she said, “you are the very first man to kiss me?” "Well, you must have taken lessons in a correspondence course then," said the sophisticated swain. Pre-Depression Story “We had better make a front-page story of this wedding,” remarked the editor. "Why?” asked the social reporter in surpr’se. "They aren’t very prominent people.” “That may be,” he replied, “but this is the first account of a wedding you have turned in for ages that hasn't had as s last line, ‘They will reside with tht bride’s parents.’ ” Song of the Radio . Yes, we have atmospherics, We have atmospherics to-day. We’ve induction, reaction, Cats’ whiskers and crystals. Dull emitter tubes also and, say, We have antiphonics and filaments. Grid leaks and switches, and say. But yes. we have atmospherics, We have atmospherics to-day.

Correctly Described They had met again after the Christmas vacation, and about the - brief respite. /‘Met a couple of nice people when I , was away,” commented Wendell. “A male and a freemale.” c His friend looked at him queerly. “Freemale,” he echoed doubtfully. “You mean male and female, don’t you?” 3 “No,” replied the other, with a grin; 1 “one was married and the other wasn't, i see?” } Potted Tragedy i ’ The curfew tolls the knell of parting t * day, : A line of cars winds briskly o'er the I lea, i A pedestrian plods his absent-minded I wop, I And leaves the world—quite une&- [ pcetedly. I Compos Mentis Doctor (at lunatic asylum): Mrs. Sharp was here to-day, and wanted her husband sent home and placed under her ’ care. Superintendent: Did you let him go? “No. He said he would rather stay ' here.” “H'm! The man must be sane.” i > The Weather Prophet . “I'm thinking of applying for a job at ; the Meteorological Office.” “What qualifications have you?” “Well, I've a couple of pretty reliable corns.” Mistakes Counsel (to medical witness, tartly): ‘‘Doctors sometimes make mistakes.” Witness: “And so do lawyers.” Counsel (deliberately): “Doctors’ mistakes are frequently buried six feet under the ground." Witness: “Quite so, and a lawyer’s mistakes often swing in the air.” Too Much Promise Brown: I have not seen your son for many years. He seemed to be quite a promising lad. Welton; Too promising. He’s been sued twice for breach of promise. High Thoughts “No,” she replied, more in sorrow than in anger, “I can never be your wife. The man I marry must be strong and silent—a man I can look up to" “Yes?” the rejected swain replied; “Well, I advise you to pop round to Trafalgar Square and hare a look at Nelson 1”

Made to Last “Oh, my!” murmured Miss 1933 (stirverying grandmamma’s wedidng-s ring); “What heavy, unwieldy things the}' were in your time.” “Yes, my dear,” replied Granny, “but you must understand that in my dav they were made to last a lifetime." Perils in the Home Bruises on my left ley, Bruises on my right; Shins and battered knee-caps Aching in the night. Football? Hockey? Rugby? No. I never play; Just a gate-leg table Purchased yesterday.