PICKLES

Dominion, Volume 27, Issue 59, 2 December 1933, Page 18

PICKLES

Tommy came out of the room where his father had been tacking down a carpet. He was crying lustily. "What’s the matter, dear?” asked his mother.

“Papa hit his linger with the hammer.” sobbed Tommy. “But you should not cry at that, dear; you should laugh,” said mother. “I did,” said Tommy sadly.

Jimmy: Dad must have been up to all sorts of mischief when he was a boy like me. “What makes you think so?” asked his mother.

Jimmy looked very thoughtful. “Well,” he went on, “he always knows exactly what questions to ask me when he wants to know where I’m going and what I’ve been doing.”

The bachelors of a certain town were scared by the advent of a fearsome type of the desperate husbandhunting spinster. After throwing each of the local bachelors into spasms of terror lest he should be the recipient of her attentions, she managed to capture the curate. Local bachelordom was so relieved at its escape that it united in presenting the curate with a wedding present in the shape of a costly dinner service. The curate was overwhelmed. "Such a magnificent service!” he gasped. “Well, you see, my boy,” explained the chief of the. local bachelors, “it’s really a thanksgiving service.”

“She's been tlirowin’ things at me all our married life, your worship.” said the little man. "and we've been married 20 years.” “Ami wily have you never complained before?” asked the judge. "Well, she never hit me before, sir.”

A clergyman noticed a woman pushing a pram up a steep hill, and volunteered his assistance, which was gratefully accepted. When he had pushed the pram to the top of the hill he said: "No thanks at all. I am delighted to help you—but as a little reward, may 1 kiss the baby?”

“Bless you. sir,” said the woman, "it isn’t a baby—it's a dozen of stout!”

A very dignified and correct lady was horrified when she came upon some little boys bathing in a pond with nothing on. “Little boys,’ she called, “isn’t it against the law to bathe here without bathing suits on?” “Yes,” replied one freckled-faced urchin, “but Johnny’s father’s the policeman, so you can come on in.”

A rather fuzzy young lady was taking herjirst lesson in car driving. “The hand lever.” said Hie mechanic, "brakes the rear wheels only, the footpedal brakes all four. Is that clear to you?”

“M’yes,” said Hie young lady, doubtfully, “but I’d rather not have any of them broken.”

A minister came upon a member of his flock staggering home and gave him a helping hand. Pressed to enter the house, lie demurred. “Come awa’ man.” he was urged, “and let the guid wife see who I lia’e been wi’ the nicht.”

“What do you think of these beauties?” asked the angler husband. “You needn’t try to deceive me.” replied the wife, laughing. "Mrs. Smith saw you in the fishmonger’s.” “I know she did. I caught so many I simply had to sell some.”

. He was awakened in the middle of the night by his nervous wife, who said, “I hear sounds as though someone is coming tip the stairs.” "IVha's rhe time?” he asked, sleepily. "Two o’clock,” replied the wife. “S’all right,” he said, turning over: "it’ll be me.”

Mother: Do you want to hear a story about a good little girl? Modern daughter (aged six) : What was she good at?

His wife sat pensively gazing round the room.

"’Thinking of something?” inquired her hubby tenderly. “Yes,” she replied. “Do you feel like moving pictures?” He started. The thoughts of a few hours in a cinema appealed to him.

"You bet I do!” he said with enthusiasm.

“Good!” she said, pointing to a pile in the corner of the room. “Then you can help me to move these up into the attic.”

The teacher was having an arduous task drilling the principles of arithmetic into her youthful pupils. “Now, listen, ’ she said, "in order to substract, things have to be in the same denomination. This is what I mean: Now, you couldn’t take three apples from four peaches; nor eight marbles from eight buttons. It must be three apples from four apples, and so on. Do you understand ?” The majority seemed to grasp the Idea. But one youngster in the rear raised a timid hand.

“Please, ma’am," he inquired, “couldn’t you take three quarts of mlik from two cows?”